Subsatisfaction = Depression?

I feel like there have been one too many times I have vacillated in my life from thinking "I love my life, this is awesome" and "I would give anything to not have to live this life. I wish I could have someone else's." I've experienced joy and happiness, but sadness and depression too. I'm sure everybody has. But I hate, hate, hate the way it feels to want to disown the life you currently live. It's one of the worst feelings. I know that a lot of this anguish is probably brought on myself because I choose to view things this way. Rather than accepting my circumstances and trying to move forward, I end up resisting every day and denying that this is the way things are right now. I don't know what it will take to be able to accept my life every day. It's really a day to day struggle anyway. It takes a lot of strength to choose to think differently. I feel like I know what I have to do, but what I have to do goes against my habit and possibly my nature. And both of them fight back like hell when my rationality tries to step in and take some control. It's exhausting. I wonder if that's partly why depressed people are so tired and want to sleep all the time. Probably because our mind is exhausted in trying to talk ourselves out of feeling down. Anyway, I hope that I can regroup after this holiday weekend and engage fully into my week at work. Deep breaths. Maybe I can make some phone calls this week too that I've been needing to. In spirit of Easter and rebirth and new beginnings, maybe I can push through the fight against my habits and into a new way of thinking and doing. It would be cool if I could create a new habit - a more positive, healthy, and effective one.

More on anxiety

Tosh.O is hilarious. I had no idea watching people puke would be so entertaining. But only if the footage is grainy. That is not something I'd prefer to see in HD.


In other news...

Tomorrow is a scary day for me. I have an opportunity to develop some clinical skills I am desperately in need of, but it is going to require doing the thing I absolutely hate and avoid at all costs: confrontation. And setting firm boundaries. I know that tomorrow I will experience a pretty high level of anxiety, in hopes that I can sit through it and not let it dictate actions like I usually let it do. I hope that I can push through it, and that after that it will get easier. That's what people tell me. It can only get easier, right? I get really down on myself for not being good at this because I've been at this job for almost a year, and I feel like I *should* feel more confident with it. But if I have been avoiding most of the opportunities to experience and learn these things, I guess I can't really expect to get better or feel more confident. But tomorrow really has to be the day that I confront and deal. I'll be disappointed in myself if I fail to follow through with what my goal is, and if I let my anxiety prevent me from experiencing what I need to experience. I'm going to have to be in a pretty confident and positive mental space tomorrow. How can I get there? I think I might have to do a lot of positive self-talk. It's going to be hard because tomorrow I have to be 'in the moment,' something that I struggle with on a daily basis. Lately I've always got a countdown to something. I'm afraid that I'm missing out on life but doing this, but it's a coping mechanism. Probably also a defense mechanism as well, since it allows me to defend myself against currently reality that I find unacceptable or un-cope-able. I gotta find a better way. Let's see if I can dig deep tomorrow and begin to change some of this ridiculousness.

*Crosses fingers*