Airports

Music: Valley of the Shadow - Thomas Newman (Little Women soundtrack)

I have always liked airports. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of flying itself, I always looked forward to going to the airport. I like to be surrounded by people who are coming and going. Nobody stays put for too long in an airport. The reason I think I am attracted to this environment is because I'm an escapist. I like to retreat from myself and try to get away from things. A lot of people do this, but in different ways. Drinking, sleeping around, doing drugs, eating. We all self-medicate, because things are too hard sometimes. But my escapism is an actual phsyical escape. I used to drive around a lot. I used to drive completely out of my way just to get away. One time in the winter of my senior year of high school, I began driving to school, and then all of a sudden my hands took the steering wheel and quickly made a right turn when it should have made a left. My mind was saying, I shouldn't do this, but I kept going. I drove around for almost an hour before being late to school. I remember thinking, I just can't do this today. I can't. I need to not be here. So I drove off, and I drove through the country. I thought about nothing. Nothing except the idea that I was trying to get away. I could have driven all day.

Airports hold this same kind of metaphorical world where I can escape life and hope for something better. There is something intoxicating about standing in an airport and watching people with their rolling suitcases and boarding passes purposefully stride towards their gate or the baggage claim. It's like I try to take in their energy, because I look at them and think, These people are living. They're going somewhere. I want to be like that, but so many times I'm just frozen, suspended by my own inability to not fear and not worry, and at times, my inability to make decisions or to make decisions and stick with them. I want so badly to become somebody else at that moment and ask someone if I can come with them to start over. Start from scratch. I'll go anywhere. Minnesota. Washington. Georgia. Hell, I'd even carry their luggage.... anything so that I don't have to be me right then. But I know it's not possible, and that it shouldn't be. So I just stand there, safe in my paralysis, watching everyone else do what I want to do myself, and try to make it be enough. But it never is. It fills me up for a few minutes, and then I go back to wondering: when am I going to live how I dream of living? When will I feel filled up, at peace? When will I be able to really lift myself up from these cheap leather chairs in the terminal and board the plane? And not because someone told me to? I need to get over the fear of departing and the fear of flying if I'm ever going to go anywhere.





Where am I going?

Mid-month resolution?

Music: Black and White - Sarah McLachlan

It occurred to me today that I miss writing. I used to update my livejournal a lot before I switched to blogger. At least in the beginning. I looked through my livejournal yesterday and I feel like that was a different person writing. I wish I still had that ability to just come home and write a story, humorous or dramatic or emotional or contemplative. I feel like my livejournal had a lot more character than this one. Maybe if I commit to writing in this more it will come back to me. I have a lot to say...but I don't like writing it unless I can make it absolutely seamless. I think I have a tendency to not want to do things unless I am positive I can do it perfectly...this is a new revelation I have had. It's odd because I think it sort of goes against my easy going personality. I'm not really a perfectionist...nothing has to be "my way" or anything like that. I don't know. But the important things to me...those are the things that I don't even want to attempt unless I know that I can make it perfect. It's really too bad because I think that I missed out on a lot because I was too scared to take the risk of it turning out not perfect.

I'm trying to fill up my schedule with anything and everything just to get my mind off things lately. My mental/emotional state is on shaky ground and I've been extra tempted to eat a lot and spend a lot of money in order to fill the void. I'm hoping that when this Bible study starts, I'll start to feel a little better again. I'm trying to get as many sub jobs as I can but so far there haven't been that many...because of MLK day and a snow day after that, tomorrow will be my first day of subbing this week. It's middle school gym. Hooray. Somehow I always get all the crappy sub jobs. I almost never get to sub in core academic subjects where the day is usually straightforward. Oh well. At least I don't have to dress up tomorrow.

In other news, I'm about to watch American Idol. I watched it last night, and wow. I don't understand how some of these kids honestly think that they would make it to Hollywood. Honestly. One guy opened his mouth and it literally sounded like if I were trying to play violin with my teeth. And they become so genuinely upset when they get rejected, and their family consoles them. Don't their families hear what the rest of the audience hears? Sheer violence in auditory form? I used to always think that everyone could sing. Not like Mariah Carey but at least carry a tune. This show has blown that idea out of the water.

loaded topics, about which i have much to say, starting with today

Music: Not Alone - Patty Griffin

"...49 percent of all pregnancies in the United States are unintended - that's 3.1 million a year, topping most industrialized nations. Almost half of those accidental pregnancies end in abortion..." - Glamour magazine

"Among our poorest women, unplanned pregnancies have risen almost 30 percent in the past decade, and abortions are up for them too." - Glamour magazine
"...There are now 1.3 million surgical abortions per year in the United States. The Alan Guttmacher Institute (the research arm of Planned Parenthood) reports that women have abortions for two primary reasons: lack of financial resources and lack of emotional support..."
-The Feminist Case Against Abortion


I personally believe that abortion is not a fundamental human right. However, it is apparent that we need to reduce the number of unplanned pregnancies, which will in turn decrease the number of abortions. We need better sex education classes in high schools, and to figure out a way to provide birth control and condoms to those who can't afford them.I don't exactly know what they teach in "abstinence only" schools, but my high school got the complete picture on sex, including the ever-popular STD slideshow. If kids aren't learning about sex in high school when they're likely to start having it themselves, when are they going to learn about it? When it's too late, and they're being diagnosed with some disease or they're in labor?Maybe they wouldn't have it so much if they understood the possible consequences. If it's not a high school health teacher, who's gonna sit them down and genuinely educate them? I don't know too many parents who opt to sit their own kids down and draw anatomical diagrams at the kitchen table and then provide them with information about STDs. I don't think teenagers should be having sex, but they're going to anyway, so they might as well be educated. Here's some more stats:

"Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates about 65 million Americans are living with a sexually transmitted disease (STD). About half of all people will be infected by an STD sometime in their lifetimes. More than 19 million new cases occur each year In the United States, almost half of them among young people aged 15 to 24. Each year, one in four teens contracts an STD."

"Each year in the United States, more than $13 billion is spent on major STDs including human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). "

It pisses me off that the government has to spend that much money treating diseases that are almost entirely preventable. I bet it would be a lot cheaper to supply birth control and condoms for communities than it would be to treat the STD's, unplanned pregnancies, abortions, etc. We continue to dig ourselves in deeper.

This may be all nice and easy for me to say, because I can afford things like birth control and condoms and I'm educated on the topics. But I also believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that sex is a holy and fully intimate act that is best exercised within this committment of people. I have no shame whatsoever about taking this "old-fashioned" and conservative view; it is no less legitimate than what the majority thinks. I think that the U.S. is rampant with problems like abortion, STD's etc. because people seek instant pleasure and lack boundaries. This combination of qualities depresses me. If you can't tell, I'm a huge proponent of self-purity, personal principles and boundaries. It's depressing though, because I don't know many people who have these views. Lately it seems like I've just been continually disappointed in my fellow humans; their beliefs and behavior combined. It's a lot easier to change your beliefs to adjust to your behavior, instead of adjusting your behavior to adhere to your beliefs. I know people who used to say they didn't believe in sex before marriage, and then all of a sudden, they were having sex and no longer believed in abstinence. It's a lot easier to do that than to take a look at yourself and say, "Wow. I just had sex. That doesn't match up with my beliefs, therefore, I fell short of my principles. I should stop having sex, since I've never believed in pre-marital sex." Instead, most people say "Well I guess I believe in sex before marriage now, since I just had it." The value of sex then decreases to them, since it is no longer something worth having a boundary for. And I'm just using the sex thing as one example, I'm not trying to put anybody down for having sex. I'm just using this as an example where I think some people can give up too easily on their beliefs. I do not judge those who make this choice; most people I know have made this choice. (But if I'm disappointed, does that mean I have judged? I don't know. That's another conversation.) But anyway, it takes discipline to talk the talk then walk the walk, but that's what makes you a person of strong character. When you actually apply your beliefs to your life, you are virtuous. Which begs another question: "Why be virtuous?" I have answers for that which I'm not going to get into. But essentially, I wish that people valued virtue more. Not just in others, but in themselves, because "themselves" are other people's "others." There are so many people that say they believe in something, but when looking at their lives, there is no possible evidence for what they say they believe in. It is scary though, to proclaim your beliefs openly, because then people remember. They remember when you screw up and they hold you accountable by judging you when you do mess up. They might throw it back into your face that you're a hypocrite. But I would rather believe in something wholeheartedly and mess up a few times, than to be fair-weathered or confused about what I believe. You make the committment to belief knowing that it might be really hard, and that you might fail to carry it out in your own life. But I'm not into half-assing life and letting myself coast along safely. I've also found that most of the people that are unforgiving like this don't know what they believe, or they lack boundaries for themselves. They don't stand for anything yet. They shouldn't be holding other people to their standards if they don't even have any themselves - they don't know how hard it is. I don't mean to go off on a rant, because I'm not perfect either, and the last thing I want to be is a hypocritical preacher. There are times when I'm sure that everybody has acted in a way differently than what they believed, because it really is a difficult battle to walk the walk. But I think it's a beneficial battle that is at least worth enlisting in. I think it's better to set the bar high and have the occassional slip up, than to set it low and always succeed.

Let's stop being irresponsible. Let's stop taking the easy way out. Let's start holding ourselves to a higher standard. Let's figure out what we believe. Let's start making things important to us again, and acting like they really are.

the new year

Music: Time Will Do The Talking - Patty Griffin

"What happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely." - Galatians 5:22, The Message

I haven't heard this translation of the fruits of the spirit passage before and I really like it. It was my verse of the day on my devo calendar. Doing things "God's way" can be really hard, but I try to trust that my life will be blessed because God works for the good of those who love him.