Last post before the new year

Music: Edge of Love - Mindy Smith


The holidays have come and gone and I'm anxious to start getting things done. I've been in a weird mood or sentiment or something lately though, where I just feel sad and unpeaceful and like I need to escape but there's nowhere I can go. It's like my heart doesn't feel right inside me. Like it's in the wrong body or something. I just don't like everything being so up in the air, like I have no control over what I want or something.

I organized my finances today. I paid my visa bill, deposited checks at the bank, and organized all my bank statements, etc. into this file folder thing I have. I had been holding onto bank statements from 2003...it was time to clear some of that stuff out. It's been part of my effort to simplify my life. I cleaned out a bunch more of my school stuff last week and threw away two more garbage bags. I think it's even time to go through my clothes again, even though I just did that a few months ago. It's like there's just too much stuff. Too much to look at in my room, too much to think about in my life. I wish I could take a big excavator and just clear out all the junk and confusion and sadness in my mind. And since I can't really put all that mental stuff into garbage bags and leave them beside the curb, I try to do the next best thing and clean out my room.

I got a bunch of cd's for Christmas...I give out lists of cd's to my family every year and this is like the first time that I've really gotten any. I got like 5. It was pretty cool. Plus I'm on a Sex and the City kick...I got season 3 for Christmas and I watched it all already and I had to go out to Target today to buy season 4. And to think I used to despise the show. Times have changed. Times have changed and and so have I. So have I indeed.

From long ago

Music: For Your Precious Love - Otis Redding

I was cleaning my room tonight and I came across this list that me and Sayre made back in October of 2002, while sitting at a bar (illegally) in Grand Rapids, watching Sam's band play. We were allowed to stay because we claimed to be Sam's photographer and website manager, despite being drastically underage. Heh heh. I remember it was a list of things we liked or thought were funny or something...some of them I don't remember what they are but some I do, and I remember quite fondly:

-words
-someone else smiling
-holding hands
-looking into somebody's eyes
-BK crowns
-just married couples
-mistletoe
-harmonies
-straying glances
-silly faces
-snaggletooth cats
-hot apple cider in the fall
-inspirational quotes
-people who resemble their dogs and vice versa
-top ten lists
-dedicated songs/lyrics meant for someone
-football saturdays
-foreign accents
-days off
-sunrises and sunsets
-god clouds
-25th wedding anniversaries
-naps
-food when you're hungry
-acapella shows
-flirtation between couples
-chivalry
-ladybug wallpaper
-tortilla chips and excellent salsa
-celtic music
-unnoticed inside-out pockets
-the verb "to be"
-torn sweatshirts
-Quiet Riot
-dimples
-bad hair
-hearty guffaws
-wallflowers
-scatting
-sidelers
-"deep humorous" poetry
-jankety teeth
-romantic comedies
-"NW"
-head-jabbing
-butterflies in your stomach
-snowfall in the evening
-playful smiles

Bathroom Scrawlings

Music: The Way I See You - Bethany Dillon

I graduated yesterday...commencement was super lame and most likely a waste of my time. Oh well. I guess I'm still glad I did it; you only graduate from undergrad once.

I took my last exam today...I hardly studied and I don't regret it because it turned out that it wasn't that bad...there were questions on there I don't ever remember learning anyway so it's not like it would have helped. I checked my grades online and I got an A- in my Shakespeare class...the class I was most worried about so that's nice. But anywho. What I meant to write about was the graffiti in the bathroom stall I was in after my exam was over in Angell Hall. They were so interesting that I had to take out my notebook and write some of them down so I could share them. These are some of what I found scrawled on the wall of a handicapped bathroom stall on the first floor of Angell:

"I slept with my dance instructor and now I feel like a whore. But it was totally worth it!"
...and then in response: "Is he gay?" and "Holla @ you! Big pimpin'!"

"I'm going to ask him if I can make him waffles this weekend. I've decided. But I'm scared. Why am I scared?"
-->in response: "Fuck he should be making you waffles. Pet his head and tell him they taste good."

"I'm going to PLAY him so bad (and he better make me breakfast in the morning)."

"I think I am a lesbian and the denial is ruining my life!"
-->in response: "Cheap exploratory action is NOT just for straight couples."

"I'm so in love that it scares me sometimes. What if something happens and I find out I'm not strong enough to handle it?
-->in response: "Love is not like other unhandle-able things. Like 18 credits and two jobs. It is something inside of us. If you feel it, you can handle it."

"I was so lucky as to have a sleepless night. Make a difference."

"Who keeps erasing this? How are we supposed to 'read the writing on the wall'?"

and the most vulgar, most laughable one of all:
"I <3 taking dumps + steamers."
-->in response: "Juicy ones?"

HAHA. wow. I can't believe I just wrote that on my blog. Well that's a bit of insight into the minds of college women. Excluding me.

The fruits of my non-labor

Music: Sunshine - Keane





too bad i don't know the bottom three people, but i'll take the harry potter girl over being called barbara streisand or the girl from the water babies suntan lotion bottle any day.



i graduate tomorrow!

irkage

Music: Untitled 1 - Keane

I like to think I'm a very tolerant person. I'm tolerant of people who display arrogance, stupidity, or moral relativism. And other things. But there's one thing that I cannot stand. I don't let people know how much it irks me sometimes, because, I try to be tolerant.

Poor spelling. I cannot stand it. I can tolerate it if the person knows they are a bad speller - that's fine and I really don't care - or if someone makes a lot of typos on IM. But it's when people try to act edgy and unique or smart or whatever and they've written some sort of emo manifesto on their blog or facebook profile or something and they misspell something. It's like their efforts to show the world how cool they are have been completely thwarted by a simple mistake that makes them look uncool. I hate it when people try too hard. And it's obvious when people do. Just be yourself, man. I just don't know why this sends a shiver up my spine. Maybe it's because I'm a phenomenal speller. And every time I have misspelled something on my blog it's because it was a typo and I was too lazy to go back and edit the post - I have never not caught my own spelling mistake on any of my blog entries. Maybe it's because my spelling skills come so natural to me that I feel like it should come naturally to everybody else because hey - it's not that hard. I know it doesn't mean that the person is dumb by any means, but whenever I see someone spell definitely like "definately" or relative like "reletive" it's only a matter of nanoseconds before I can stop from uttering "you idiot!" to myself. I am deeply sorry I feel this way. Especially if you are a bad speller. I just feel like at least if you're in college, you should know better by now. And of course, I choose to feel this way because it makes me feel soooo much better about myself. Because I'm super selfish and behold the same qualities that I claim to tolerate in other people. And if you ever point out an accidental spelling mistake that I have made, I will kick your ass. Wow this took a different direction from what I had planned. Sorry for the sarcasm. I don't know what's gotten into me. It must be all the drugs.




And wouldn't it be ironic if I misspelled "misspelled"?

The Endless Flight of Stairs

Music: Everybody's Changing - Keane

So I dropped by Arbor Brewing Co. last night during my study break to meet Sayre and Sammy for Sammy's birthday. Things were all good until I had to go to the bathroom. I walked to the back of the bar and was greeted with the endless flight of stairs. It was a looong way down to the bathroom. I always think it's a cruel joke for a bar to make their patrons walk downstairs to the bathroom. Do you want me to fall down an entire flight of stairs in a drunken stupor? I wasn't drunk - I only had water - but still....it's a principle of the matter. Plus, once I got down there, I was surprised by the presence of a baby changing table and stunned with the overwhelming odor of play-doh. I don't think I'll be one of those mom's that will bring their kids out to the pub. It might be dangerous carrying a baby down the endless flight of stairs, drunk or sober.

I just got back from my Psych exam...it went well I think. Now I just have to finish like 10 minutes worth a internet review stuff for that class, go to grammar class this afternoon, write an 8 paged Shakespeare paper for friday morning, and then study for and take my grammar exam on monday. I'm about ready to curl up in the fetal position. It's actually not that bad at all...I've had it much much much worse, but for some reason like every night the past week I haven't been able to fall asleep until a few hours after I actually lay down, which makes me soooo tired in the morning. It's like I have to wake up in the middle of one of the deep sleep stages or REM cycles or whatever.


...4 days until graduation....5 days until I'm actually finished...

another long day at the salon

Music: Every Little Bit - Patty Griffin

I haven't been doing the Mitch of the Day for a few posts...sometimes I don't feel like starting out a post with a joke or something. I'll incorporate them here and there though. I got my hair cut and colored today...it looks soo much better...which probably wasn't that hard to do, since I don't think it could have looked any worse than what it did. But anyway...I had a 20$ coupon so the total was only 47$...which is super super cheap for a haircut plus highlight and lowlight in Ann Arbor. The only caveat is that I was there from 10am until 2:15 pm. Oh well. Anyway, I tried to capture the essence of my new "concave grid" hair cut (I had a round grid before) but I didn't do a very good job. Here's some pics though. The color looks good...it seems she put in more lowlights, which is fine, because it warms up my overall color. She also curled it under, which I never do since I use a straightening iron, but it still looks good.






I highly reccommend going to the aveda institute. this was my fourth time there, and it gets better each time i go. I got a hand and arm massage too :)

another procrastination survey

Music: Out Loud - Mindy Smith

So basically I got this survey from somebody's myspace page. It's called "Soundtrack of Your Life" or something...all you do is put your playlist on shuffle and type the song that plays for each of the the following scenarios. Here's mine (and I didn't lie about any of the songs):

Opening Credits: Everyday - Lisa Loeb (One of the better songs from "Cake and Pie"

Waking Up: The Beast in Me - Martin Sexton (amazing amazing artist. should be a lot more famous than he is. "the best in me is the beast in me..."

First Day At School: Overjoyed - Nnenna Freelon (This was from her album of jazz covers of Stevie Wonder)

Falling In Love: You Should Be Dancing - The BeeGees (well we suddenly went from the first day of school with a Stevie Wonder cover and then straight to falling in love to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack...cool cool)

Fight Song: Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Josh Groban (probably the worst choice for a fight song on my entire playlist. It's a sappy song lamenting the death of Vincent Van Gogh.)

Breaking Up: Shape of My Heart - Sting (I forgot how much I loved Sting...I actually listened to this song this morning after not hearing it for like a year)

Prom: Master Blaster (Jammin') - Stevie Wonder ("we'll be jammin' till the break of dawn"...hey-ayyyy)

Life: Alone In Kyoto - Air (trippy and totally dreamtastic)

Mental Breakdown: Maureen - Sade (everyone knows my affinity for Sade...this is one of the catchier songs from her album 'Promise'...it also has one of my favorite lyrics "loving you is easy acapella....from the boys you could tell at a glance/you say he looks good/let's hope he can dance..." But anyway, not exactly a 'mental breakdown' song.)

Driving: I'll Find A Way - Rachael Yamagata (Although slow, I actually do listen to this song while driving...I bought her album "Happenstance" last summer...beautiful yet simple lyrics: The rain is like an orchestra to me/Little gifts from above meant to say/Girl, you're falling at his feet/Isn't lovely or stunning todayLay with me/lay with me/I'm alive when you're here with me/here with me/And I'll find a way to see you again/Yes I'll find a way to see you again/Why do the street lamps die/When you're passing by/Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight/If you held me close, would you laugh it away/Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay...)

Flashback: What's Simple Is True - Jewel (From her second and last good album "Spirit"...she used to be amazing...I know her entire first album by heart, this one's decent too, but it's more of a studio release...anyway, some of the lyrics seem fitting: "The more I live, the more I know..." )

Getting Back Together: Somebody - Sun-60 (I'm THRILLED that this band made it onto the survey...this is the BEST early 90s band...I listen to them all the time...all their songs are different but soooo good...my favorite song of all time is by them, it's called "Hold On"....but these lyrics seem fitting too "I've been waiting for you to unravel/and my arms think that they can still wrap you up again...somebody wants you/somebody wants to need you/somebody loves you..."

Wedding: P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) - Michael Jackson (well it's not a wedding without Michael Jackson...but I wouldn't exactly chose this as the first song to dance to or anything...save it for after the open bar has been utilized)

Birth of a Child: Vision of Love - Mariah Carey (Ok I cheated here...it landed on another Nnenna Freelon song but I don't want another of hers since I hardly listen to her anyway...but I am never not in the mood to belt out some Mariah...this song is from her unplugged album)

Final Battle: Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix (this falls into my top 5 fave Hendrix songs...too bad he never finished it :( ...."Well she's walking through the clouds/With a circus mind thats running round/Butterflies and zebras/And moonbeams and fairy tales/Thats all she ever thinks about/Riding with the wind..." Well what can you say. It was the 60's.)

Death Scene: Gravity - John Mayer (ok I cheated again here...it landed on another Sun-60 song, which I loved but anyway...this song is from his new album which I didn't think would be good, but it's surprisingly wonderful)

Funeral: He's Real (All The Power You Need) - Darlene Zschech/Hillsong (how fitting to have a super jazzed out jesus song here... holler at yer savior)

End Credits: Forbidden Love - Madonna (ok...so I HATE madonna now. i can't stand her. but i do own the "immaculate collection" and 'something to remember'...anything thing else that mutates out of her studio is trash. this is actually one of my favorite tracks on 'something to remember', the album that nobody seems to know about. but it's a much more low key, unhyper, kind of acid-jazz/Massive Attack sounding...it has some sad songs, some sexy songs. At one point she says "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac." Interesting. )

So. Apparently that's the soundtrack to my life. I'm not really satisfied with it since it picked a lot of songs/artists I rarely listen to. I'm shocked it didn't pick any Tori Amos, since she's the artist that I have the most albums of. And I just ended that sentence with a preposition.

I will be vague but honest

Music: April 14th, Pt.1 - Gillian Welch

It's times like this when I wish that nobody read this. But I know some will. And as much as I want to keep these thoughts to myself, I also want to just put them out there. I don't talk about serious things on this blog very often, but sometimes I like seeing the legitimacy of my thoughts printed out for whoever wants to read. I don't want pity and I'm not a charity case. I welcome your thoughts, but I don't want comments telling me to "feel better" or that things will work themselves out. Statements like that seem too trivial; their meanings falling drastically short of the situation. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows, and that's ok, because I myself don't know, and if I did, I wouldn't be asking them.

I feel prostrated. Despondent. Like I own nothing and my pockets are turned out and my hands are bare. I am surprised by the frequency of my moments of raw emotional upsets. It seems like anything can make me cry about it. I am fearing the unknown and mourning the absence of something special and significant. Sometimes it feels like I'm a drug addict going through withdrawal. The pain is physical and emotional. And there's nothing I can do except go through it. I tried to do everything right, so that no one would get hurt, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm holding it together, yet falling apart. And I'm not allowed to go to the person I want to go to most. The person who can always make me feel better. But we decided what we decided, and I don't want to cheat or undermine our agreement, because I do think it's a good thing. Hard, but good.

In a strange way I welcome pain sometimes. Pain is what brings me close to God. There's something beautiful about being at the end of your rope time after time, and feeling like you have nothing. Those are the easiest times to reach out to God - because it's no longer a choice. It's something you have to do because you're out of ideas and you can't do it yourself. And I have to keep reminding myself that I was not designed to. I was made specifically for a relationship with God; I'm not supposed to burden myself by trying to fix everything on my own.

I try to prepare my heart through prayer to receive what comes next for me. For us. Although it's difficult because I don't even know what I hope for, and therefore, I don't even know what I fear. I have moments of clarity, and moments of haze. Sometimes I know, and sometimes I don't. I hate being inconsistent, and not being 100% certain. I just fear the unknown, and feeling this way for an extended period of time. I don't know much about what I want in the future - I thought I did. I thought I knew myself pretty well. But when life is unpredictable, it puts everything in question. I hate this so much. I feel responsible for everything. I feel like everything would be great if I could just stop being so confused. I hate that I put somebody through a lot of undeserving pain. Especially that specific person. I never knew I could care that much about someone. Or that someone could care just as much about me. It's interesting how that can happen mutually.

Anyway, there's more I want to say, but nothing has come out really the way I wanted it to. I wanted it to be more articulate and poignant than it is, but, I guess it is what it is. And I don't know why I want you to know, but this is really hard for me. I'm sure it is for you too, but you always have a way of seeming like you can handle anything. I hope I'm not cheating our agreement by writing any of this, but I just wanted you to know and I didn't tell you earlier. I wish so badly I could make this better for both of us. But instead, I'll be praying.