Music: I Can't See New York - Tori Amos
In recent days I've been reticent about blogging...as evidenced by the absence of any updates in the past five months. But there's something about right now that lured me back to my initial form of expression. Things have been so busy that I think I'm forgetting who I am. All the self-discovery, the nights alone in my dorm room ruminating my existence in contrast to others', the honing of my ability to sink deeper and deeper underneath the skin of the daily happenings that create my being...I feel like I have lost my grip on these things in the midst of my busy-ness, my sociality, and my fatigue. But the excitement of these past few months has worn and left feeling like I there was nothing to revert back to. I used to be my own best friend, and although it's been nice to not have to be that right now, I miss it, and I miss spending time with myself. Real time. Not just the mindless lounging on my microsuede couch over dinner or my daily commute to and from work, mind zoning out over the music and eyes glazing over the endless and identical blanket of dark pavement all the way into Grand Rapids.
As much progress I have made in my independence this year...I'll admit, I've had my "I am woman, hear me roar moments," I still believe I have copped out with many other important aspects of my being, that I still dare not mention and I dare not venture.
I love where I'm at...I'm settling into my own skin, yet constantly shedding layers and also putting old ones back on. But, I miss the times when I didn't have the strength to break free but somehow had the strength to stay inside myself. Ironically, the tables have turned and it now takes more energy to live as I once did, examining myself and identifying my substantial fears, wants, "ouches," and neuroses. It's odd that I know the person I am becoming better than the person I really am. It's a tricky paradox though; you would think this is a good thing, which it can be, if you assume that the person I am becoming is the person I want to be in place of the person I am. This is partially true, but I miss the person underneath, the person with the fears and dreams that have been left undealt with by the roadside in my haste to find refuge from challenge and self-disappointment. In doing so, I have embraced new things, new people, new places, and it has been amazing. But maybe in doing so I have completely turned my back on the real me. It's a balancing act that I'll probably be working on the rest of my life. I guess what it comes down to is that maybe I need some time to remember the things I ignored because they were hard to deal with; but now I feel a little bit emptied because I have ignored something important to me.
Thanks to Katie, whose writing just inspired me to reflect on my personal transition through a cathartic medium in which we both feel so utterly safe and so completely ourselves.
