It has been a while...
Well. So here we are again.
I feel rather shameful at letting this much time go by without writing really at all, and it appears that I was lacking the flavor in my last few posts, resorting to prewritten online surveys to fill up the empty space. Maybe because I wanted to express myself but didn't feel anything was good enough or to my own satisfaction. It's only been in the last year or so that I have realized I have set some sort of impractical and foolish superstandard for anything I do. I didn't think I was an all-or-nothing type of girl, but maybe I am.
Something tells me it's going to take a long time to find comfort in the in-between. And to really know and internalize that the gray area is not only ok, but it's the best way. How did I get this way?
But, I have made progress. It feels like baby steps but it's at least somewhat encouraging. The more I inch towards accepting myself and what I perceive are my biggest faults, the less anxiety I feel. Since, you know, my troubles with anxiety have been pervasive, if not at best latent, when things in life are going 'my way.'
One of the hardest parts about anxiety is trying to stay in the present. And it's hard to stay in the present when you don't exactly like what the present has to offer. But, I know I can't change that right now, and I can either put myself through hell by giving into the urge to live in the future when I think I will be happier, or I can suck it up, try to remain plugged into today, and cope with my problems. It's ironic because I think as I just wrote that, I'm realizing that my anxiety is almost an escape from reality for me. By living in the future I don't have to deal with the present. And as much as I've always tried to shoot for personal growth and grinning and bearing emotional anguish for said purpose, I think I've adapted to a victim mindset where I want a break and why-does-this-have-to-be-so-hard for me is the underlying message I send to myself. There you go. The vacillation between one and the other is exhausting. How can I accept the things that are hard and challenging and tearful and tiring without completely giving in?
I feel rather shameful at letting this much time go by without writing really at all, and it appears that I was lacking the flavor in my last few posts, resorting to prewritten online surveys to fill up the empty space. Maybe because I wanted to express myself but didn't feel anything was good enough or to my own satisfaction. It's only been in the last year or so that I have realized I have set some sort of impractical and foolish superstandard for anything I do. I didn't think I was an all-or-nothing type of girl, but maybe I am.
Something tells me it's going to take a long time to find comfort in the in-between. And to really know and internalize that the gray area is not only ok, but it's the best way. How did I get this way?
But, I have made progress. It feels like baby steps but it's at least somewhat encouraging. The more I inch towards accepting myself and what I perceive are my biggest faults, the less anxiety I feel. Since, you know, my troubles with anxiety have been pervasive, if not at best latent, when things in life are going 'my way.'
One of the hardest parts about anxiety is trying to stay in the present. And it's hard to stay in the present when you don't exactly like what the present has to offer. But, I know I can't change that right now, and I can either put myself through hell by giving into the urge to live in the future when I think I will be happier, or I can suck it up, try to remain plugged into today, and cope with my problems. It's ironic because I think as I just wrote that, I'm realizing that my anxiety is almost an escape from reality for me. By living in the future I don't have to deal with the present. And as much as I've always tried to shoot for personal growth and grinning and bearing emotional anguish for said purpose, I think I've adapted to a victim mindset where I want a break and why-does-this-have-to-be-so-hard for me is the underlying message I send to myself. There you go. The vacillation between one and the other is exhausting. How can I accept the things that are hard and challenging and tearful and tiring without completely giving in?
posted by anopenhouse @ 12:39 PM
0 comments
