Operation Self-Care: TurboFire

TurboFire: Day 31

2012-02-07T13:11:00.002-05:00

So, Sunday marked the end of my first 4 weeks of TF. I completed the first 4 weeks of the prep schedule and did not miss a workout (6 days a week). Well I actually missed one on the day I drove back to MI from NC but I made it up last week. I was nervous for my first weigh-in, because I've been more dedicated than ever to fitness and nutrition and I had to believe that it was paying off. So, I hopped on the scale and it turns out that I lost 2 pounds! I was hoping for 3 and initially had some mixed feelings, but I am happy with it now after thinking about it. The prep schedule was certainly more exercise than I had been doing, but it wasn't intense enough to warrant more weight loss than I had. There were weeks where I only had to do straight up cardio twice. Some of the workouts were very short (strength training for 20 min). So I shouldn't be surprised that I didn't drop a ton of weight. I'm just happy I lost really anything. I'm excited to see what the next 30 days of easing into the regular schedule will bring. It's cardio every single day, and sometimes combined with those shorter strength training workouts. I had my first HIIT workout yesterday. It was only 15 minutes but it was intense. It's 40 seconds of hardcord 90-100% exertion followed by a 30 second break. The thing I'm worried about is the intensity on my knees and ankles. I workout in the basement on a concrete floor and it's pretty tough, since I have poor knees anyway. When I get some more money I plan to buy some kind of padding for the ground. My mom says she has some kind of rug that might be a decent substitute until then. But, I got some good suggestions from my coach on how to strengthen my quads so that my knees will be stronger. I taped them with duct tape today and that seemed to help a little too. I was surprised that my ankles started to become sore though...I've never had problems with my ankles. It's probably a combination between the concrete ground and bad shoes, but I don't have the money to drop on some cross trainers, which they recommend. I'm using running shoes that I've had for about 5 years. I'm going to look for an old ankle brace that I think I have lying around somewhere and take some ibuprofen regularly and see how that helps. Hopefully it will.

The food arena is going well. I'm still aiming for about 1600 calories/day and sticking close to that. I started making steel cut oats with buckheat and blueberries for breakfast and only about 3/4 c. of that (about 200 calories) fills me up for over 3 hours. My dad recommended that I make a batch of it and refrigerate it for the week, which I did. Here is my recipe, adapted from my Dad's:

2/3 c. steel cut oats
1/3 c. buckwheat groats
4 c. water
2 T. agave or sugar
1 c. blueberries (I use frozen)
Cinnamon to taste

Bring the first three ingredients to a boil in a pot and then simmer for 20 min. Remove from heat and add blueberries, agave, and several shakes of cinnamon to your liking. Serve or refrigerate.

When I refrigerate, and I scoop about 3/4 c. of it into a bowl and heat it up with 2 tablespoons of unsweetened vanilla almond milk and 2 tablespoons of sugar-free maple syrup. I still haven't been able to make it as good as my Dad does, but it does the job and gets me powered through my workout.

And omg. I discovered unsweetened vanilla almond milk. It's my new love. I had bought almond milk before but didn't know really what to do with it and it ended up sitting in the fridge too long and I had to throw it away. I have been substituting 1 c. unsweetened vanilla almond milk in my iced coffee and it's amazing, and it's half the calories of how I made it before with 1/2% or skim milk. I've also been using it my smoothies and it's been way tastier than regular milk in my opinion. I made a smoothie with 1/2 c. low fat vanilla yogurt, 1/2 c. frozen blueberries, and 1/2 c. unsweetened vanilla almond milk and the flavor was incredible. I also made some low calorie cookies with it too yesterday and those turned out good too.

Joe and I also made turkey and rice stuffed peppers on Sunday night and those turned out amazing as well. I got the recipe from skinnytaste.com which has awesome recipes with a calorie breakdown. It makes it easy to track on myfitnesspal. There are also some really good looking clean recipes from ohsheglows.com that I want to try as well.

Tracking calories has been a lot easier in the last few weeks, and my hunger has decreased because I think I'm changing things around. I'm eating a bigger breakfast with more fiber and protein and I think that sets the tone for the rest of the day. I was actually under my calories by 150 last night and I wasn't even hungry. Although, of course I took this as liberty to still eat, but I knew I didn't even need to. But generally I haven't been eating when I'm not hungry. It's all about progress!

TurboFire: Day 26

2012-02-02T22:05:00.008-05:00

It's almost the end of prep schedule! A few more days and I'm going to take my first set of measurements since beginning TF. I'm a little scared to weigh myself...I don't really want to do either but I'm curious and figure maybe I should just to see what is and isn't working.

I'm proud of myself because I took a weekend whirlwind road trip to North Carolina and back to pack up my long distance boyfriend and bring him home, and I still managed to do 2 TF workouts and count calories. However, I tried Fire 45 EZ there and I still had some bad breathing problems - I didn't anticipate this because Joe doesn't have cats so I didn't bring my inhaler - but I think I might actually have some legit respiratory issues because I was wheezing just as bad as I was before I got my inhaler and was working out at home. So I'm not sure what's really going on. For now I'm going to continue using my inhaler and then maybe at some point I should actually talk to my doctor. But because of this I wasn't able to complete the workout - I did about half of it but I decided I should quit because I wasn't able to get enough breath in and that didn't seem like a safe idea. Unfortunately I did have to miss a workout the day we drove back - it just wasn't going to happen due to being in the car for 17 hours. I could use that as my rest day for this week but then that's going to affect my starting of the regular schedule next week so we'll see. But, I was proud because we went out to eat a few times and I looked at the menus and nutritional facts online beforehand to see what would fit into my daily calories. I ended up having an amazing salmon dish at TGIFridays and a delicious oat and nut pancake/egg breakfast at IHOP. I also even counted calories on my 15 hour drive down there. The way back was another story though...I was in the car for over 17 hours (by myself) and was too delirious to track my calories. I think I was actually under my calories that day because we tried not to stop too much and I had a few protein bars and not too much else, so I'm not that concerned that that was a day that didn't get tracked on myfitnesspal. I have never been so exhausted in my life though - the drive down wasn't bad at all - maybe because I was so excited to see Joe - but the drive back was excruciating and I'm glad it's over. The drive down I think was good because I got in an amazing power breakfast courtesy of my dad at 5:30 am before I left, which tied me over for almost 6 hours. I didn't have that luxury on the way back.

Anyway, I'm pleased to report that I'm still on track with everything after going out of town for 4 days. I was able to do Fire 45 EZ today the best I've ever done - I still had to stop it once but I was able to hold off doing that until about the 9 minutes remaining mark. I felt great afterward. I'm even able to do more pushups too which feels good. I'm super excited to transition into the regular TF schedule and try some new workouts. I hope my knees are ok enough - they've been pretty sore since going away - I don't know if it's because my muscles are still all tight from being in the car or something. I did notice that both my knees were sore and my overall leg and feet muscles were really tight when I returned from my trip. They're loosening up but still not great yet.

I thought I'd leave you with some lovely pictures from my trip to North Carolina this past weekend:

Southwestern Virginia looks like a folk art painting in real life. This hill/mountain looked a lot more majestic in person:

A lovely photo of the wreckage in Joe's apartment:

Look I did TF on my vacation!

Delicious delicious food at Flaming Amy's which is like a tastier and cheaper Mongolian BBQ:

Taking a break from packing and playing guitar:

TurboFire: Day 18

2012-01-25T22:34:00.002-05:00

Things are plugging along nicely and I'm getting further into the groove of my daily workouts. Unfortunately my knee is still hurting; however my foot feels better so that's a plus. I should try and look for my old knee brace though.

Another good Stretch 40 today; I think I'm further improving my plank and the amount of pushups in good form I can do :) A few of the moves bothered my knee though because it was pressing into the floor so I tried to modify a little. Because of my trip to North Carolina on Friday I am going to have to designate my travel day as my rest day, even though my rest day has always been on Saturday. I'm also going to have to move my next week's rest day up as well to next Monday instead of next Saturday since that's also a travel day. I don't like having rest days so close together but what can ya do - I'm going to be in the car for about 15 hours on those days.

I'll be back on here next week to report how managing TF while taking a massive road trip went! I am determined to not derail myself.

TurboFire: Day 15

2012-01-22T16:21:00.003-05:00

Today marks exactly two weeks ago that I began TF and halfway through my portion of Prep Schedule. I had a good Stretch 40 workout on Friday and enjoyed my rest day yesterday, but my left knee has been a little sore for a few days. I'm not sure why...maybe bad form, maybe overworking it. I was still able to do a really good Fire 45 EZ/Stretch 10 today. It went MUCH better than last Sunday. I really struggled with it last week and had to stop it like 3-4 times to catch my breath. I only stopped it once this time. I still have to do some of the modifications towards the end because I'm so tired I can barely lift my legs up. This time I didn't do the 'new to class' option either and it was fine...except for the damn final combo. I don't know what it is about the last combos but they seem much more complicated than all the previous ones. I definitely had an improvement though today and I felt terrific afterwards.

I keep reading that chocolate milk is one of the best things to eat/drink after a hard workout (at least for weight lifting/strength training) because it helps you burn more fat and replenishes what you lost or something. I have been drinking my iced coffee with milk thing after every workout for the past 5 days and it works much better than when I drank it pre-workout. I'm still trying to figure out the best things to eat before my workouts that will give me energy. I usually have to wait at least an hour to an hour and a half after I eat breakfast before I workout because I will get really crampy otherwise. However, I've noticed that waiting this long causes me to be hungry right before my workout, sometimes almost to the point of shakiness because my blood sugar is so low, which is no fun because then I had to eat again, then wait to digest again before working out. I'm hoping that when I get Shakeology in a few months that that will solve this issue. So in the meantime I'll keep experimenting until I find what I need pre-workout.

Doing alright with my calories too. My roommates brought home some homemade meatballs, cheesy potatoes, and some cake and I really really wanted some. I had calories left so I made a small bowl. It made me nervous because I didn't know how many calories was in it but I tried to be judicious in my serving size. The longer I go counting calories the more I don't want to derail myself. I don't think I overdid it though. It made me think what's the point in doing all this if I can't feel ok to indulge once in a while in something not-so-good for you? Are three mini-meatballs and small scoop of cheesy potatoes going to mess up everything I've done for the past two weeks? I'm not trying to be a professional body builder or anything, but I do want to get into great shape. I'm sure there are people that would say to stay away from that stuff completely, and I'm sure there are people that would say it's ok to indulge once in a while but always in moderation. For me, I just want to have balance, and that's going to take a while to figure out.

I'm also trying to plan two days worth of food for when I'm driving to and home from North Carolina, since I will be in the car for pretty much the whole day. I bought bananas and apples and some Zone bars, and might make a sandwich or something for the drive down. Hopefully we can find some healthy-ish fast food for when we have to stop. I'm already feeling a little anxious about missing a few days of workouts. I'm intending to not miss any while I'm down there, but I might have to since we pretty much are going to be packing/driving all day and night. I should at least make sure that my calories are ok on those days.

I'm contemplating getting a free online coach for my program. I think it might help with all the questions I'm having at least about the nutrition aspect. My friend's husband invited me to join his team and I'm definitely thinking about it.

TurboFire: Day 12

2012-01-19T18:55:00.002-05:00

Fire 30/Stretch 10 today - I was proud of myself because I was able to follow most of the moves without using the "new to class" version. Woop woop. However, I had to pause a few times to get my energy back up. Maybe that's counterintuitive but it felt right at the time. I was dripping with sweat when I was done. Excited for Stretch 40 tomorrow!

Today I got a double dose of quinoa: in my salad and in burgers we made for dinner tonight. Delish! I didn't eat that much today (on accident) even though I was hungry. However, tonight was the first night since counting calories that I actually felt full. Almost stuffed, even, and didn't break the calorie bank either. It feels good to still have a decent amount of calories left yet tonight. But I won't bore you with any more details on what I'm eating or not eating. Also though - I think I further perfected the ice coffee I mentioned earlier. Now I'm using about 1/2 cup of espresso (double what I used before), 2 packets of sugar substitute, and about one cup of fat free milk. Even lower in calories and higher in sweet coffee flavor. I'm a happy girl :)

Had a good day today - got a few new clients scheduled at work and bought a nifty appointment book. I'm getting excited as it's only one more week until I go help Joe move from North Carolina back to Michigan. I've already started packing ;) It's almost the weekend, and almost halfway through TF prep schedule!

TurboFire: Day 11

2012-01-19T00:08:00.003-05:00

Today was Core 20/Stretch 10...a pretty light workout by any means. Core 20 wasn't that bad, at least for the first 10 minutes but I did struggle with finishing it out. Stupid poopy abs. They've got to be in there somewhere. It was mostly using the orange resistance band. I really tried to push myself. It's harder for me to get into the strength training workouts as much as the cardio sometimes because I always feel like I should be doing cardio, although I know both are important. I'm glad that tomorrow is a cardio day, and tomorrow marks one week down of calorie counting. We'll see how much longer I can keep that up...the TF handbook talked about needing to intake more calories as you progress in the program because you're burning so much that it's dangerous to keep it that low. So they basically say when you start to get to the more intense stuff you actually have to eat more, which is fine by me. Since I wasn't even planning on counting calories in the first place, I think I might just do it while on the prep schedule since the workouts aren't that intense yet (I mean they are, but the frequency of the intense workouts isn't as often as they're going to be), and I can get my deficit in via food versus exercise. Tomorrow is Fire 30/Stretch 10 which so far seems like the perfect length for a work out so it should be good.

TurboFire: Day 10

2012-01-17T19:14:00.003-05:00

Today's workout was new - I thought I had done it before but I definitely hadn't. It was Sculpt 30 and it was crazy as usual. It sucked, but in a good way I suppose. My muscles were hurting so bad. It was pretty much focused on upper body strength using the orange resistance band with the handles. I'm probably going to be really sore tomorrow. I wasn't able to do all the reps but I at least got a feel for the positions and stuff. Hopefully by the time the next rotation comes around for this workout I will be able to do more reps.

In other news, apparently Paula Deen is finally coming out and saying that she has Type II diabetes. Not a huge surprise. I used to really like her cooking show but her recipes are not something that can really fit into every day life because of how unhealthy they are. However, there is something to be said for some down home cooking from time to time if only for a special occassion or holiday if you know you're not going to be solely responsible for the leftovers. I could not be trusted ;)

I was just telling Sayre about the mental shift I think I'm having about calorie counting. I'm still focused on counting the actual numbers and anticipating what I can still fit in to eat, but I'm shifting more and more towards not thinking as much about food. I notice that when I sit down to eat, it's more for fueling my body and staving off hunger rather than out of boredom or having a craving or the freedom to eat whatever I feel like. Luckily, my operating out of "what I feel like" hasn't been overly disastrous or unhealthy, as evidenced by not being heavier than what I actually am. It's just been interesting to see myself have a different kind of relationship with food for the moment. It's there to fuel me so that I can make it through my workouts. It's there to fill up my stomach so I can sleep at night. Since these are my motivations, I have had to make different food choices - things that have higher fiber and protein rather than carbs (and I'm a carb girl). It hasn't even been a full week yet since I started counting but I'm already starting to forget what it was like to allow myself to have free reign over the kitchen cupboards. Even though it's not fun and is sometimes inconvenient, I'm surprised I haven't missed some of my old food more (even though I do miss it some), and if anything calorie counting is getting me to slow down a little more and connect what I eat to how my body feels. I think that's a good thing.

TurboFire: Day Nine

2012-01-16T20:57:00.003-05:00

Great Stretch 40 today - I do feel myself limbering up some. I'm getting a little stronger and doing better plank form too. I wish I had a big mirror downstairs to see how my form looks but I told Joe today that that will be his job when he comes home :) I'm trying to figure out what's going on with my back foot when I'm in warrior pose though; it's a really uncomfortable position for it and I can't seem to keep it anchored. I think I have done almost all the workouts on the prep schedule so I probably won't be commenting too much on what I thought of them each day, so as not to bore myself or whoever is reading. When I start the regular schedule I'm sure I'll have a bit to say about the HIIT workouts.

Anyway, two wonderful food-related things happened today that I will share because I'm pretending you asked:

1. I made the absolutely most delicious, low calorie iced coffee of my life! Cold coffee beverages are my vice and I will never give them up. I've played around before with some DIY recipes for frappuccinos and iced coffees and none of them were very good and none of them I ever made again. There is one potentially good recipe on thepioneerwoman.com that involves cold brewing but haven't really gotten around to getting the supplies for that. However, I was on youtube last night and came across a recipe that didn't look that special but the reviews were really good, including something about how they put it side by side with an actual Starbucks iced coffee and no one could tell the difference. So today I played around with that recipe and it was amazing. Here's my recipe, that I adapted from video:

2 oz hot espresso (which I had help making because I have no idea how to use the espresso maker)
3 packets of Sweet 'n Low
1.25 c. milk (I had 1/2%)
1 small capful of vanilla extract (probably 1/2 tsp)

I combined all the ingredients and had it in my cool plastic to-go cup with a straw over ice. Calorie count: ~125. I will probably be making this every single day. Next time I think I will use a little more espresso but I wanted to be conservative on the first try.

2. I made quinoa salad today and it turned absolutely beautiful. Here it is, in all its vegan glory:

High in protein and low in fat, I can eat this stuff all day long. Cheers to my Dad, who introduced me to quinoa about 5 years ago with this recipe, which I've adapted over and over to make many delicious combinations.

TurboFire: Day Eight

2012-01-15T20:02:00.003-05:00

Today began Week 2 of my program. Today's workout was Fire 45 EZ and Stretch 10 again which I did I think last Wednesday. I found myself running out of energy about around the 22 minute mark, and it disappointed me since I feel like I made it through pretty good last time. I think I needed to eat a little more beforehand since it had been several hours since I had eaten breakfast. I had half a Zone bar before the workout but I think I needed a little more. The good news is that I used my new inhaler before working out and I had absolutely no wheezing!! I'm SO happy about that. I'm going to keep using it to make sure it's working but I'm glad that I won't have to suffer through it anymore. Anyway, the workout was really tough and I felt like I was moving super slow. I literally almost started crying a few times - half because I was mad that I wasn't in shape enough to keep up with the instructor and half because I was in actual physical agony. I started to give into my tiredness so I paused it and walked around for a few minutes psyching myself back up to finish it as strong as possible. That helped, although the final combo is still way too hard. I think I'll be working on that one for a LONG time - even though I've done the "new to class" option every time. After I finished my workout and ate and showered, I felt SO good. I wonder if I had a bunch of endorphins still floating around in my brain. I felt really calm and relaxed. I'm really glad that tomorrow is Stretch 40 again and will be able to follow up today with yoga.

Calorie counting is going well today, made even better by a successful Meijer trip to get some new goodies. I was excited to make this healthy chicken pot pie I found yesterday and it could have been amazing if not for my two huge mistakes. Fail #1: I added entirely way too much pepper and it's too spicy for my taste. Pot pie should not be spicy. Fail #2: I used leftover Filo dough that's been taking up room in the freezer thinking that it was the same thing as puff pastry, and it turns out the two are NOTHING alike. So, the best part of my pie (the crust) is terrible and is pretty much still raw. However, the filling did turn out well and had great flavor before I added the pepper. I hate when I work so long on cooking something and it turns out bad. All the blood, sweat, tears, and money spent on ingredients. I'm pretty disappointed since I was planning on having the leftovers every day this week because I knew how many calories it was and it has lots of protein (which I hoped would mitigate my hunger issue). I'm still going to eat it every day until it's gone, I just won't be excited about it. Sigh...lessons learned.

I did however get some of my favorite new healthy snacks including unsweetened flavored applesauce and sugar free Snack Packs. Plus, I found a nice bag of quinoa that I didn't think I was going to be able to find there. It was really expensive($10) but luckily I remembered at the checkout that I had an old Meijer giftcard I recently found in my room for exactly $10. I'm excited to redeem myself from today's follies by making quinoa salad tomorrow!

TurboFire: Day Seven - Rest Day

2012-01-14T14:35:00.010-05:00

So today is a rest day and I decided not to go to the pool and just tried to be active instead. I spent a while hand-shredding two bags full of old bills and papers and then was productive with my roommate Sam and took 3 months worth of recycleables to the recycling center. I also shoveled the driveway for a bit. The snow is pretty today, and on days like this where it's not too cold I don't mind winter. This was the view of the backyard when I got up today and had my coffee:

I'm a couple of days into tracking calories but am struggling a bit with not wanting to eat because I don't want to use up all my calories too quick. I've also definitely experienced more hunger since tracking calories, probably because now with a reduced intake I'm going to have to change what foods I eat and maybe eat a little more for fuel rather than taste. I've never tracked calories before because I thought that I would be too focused on it and that that would be all I thought about. I'm finding myself pretty focused on it right now but am hoping that it's because tracking is brand new to me and eventually it will be an easier habit. Once I get some good meal/snack ideas going that will fill me up without sacrificing too many calories, I think it will become a lot easier. I'm still doing 1500/day right now but I have gone over every day so far. I don't know whether to bump it up another 100 calories to quell the guilt I have about going over or figure out some better snack options that will leave me feeling more satisfied. I hate being hungry and feeling like I'm not allowed to eat. TurboFire is based on a 1500 calorie/day intake and I want to stick as close to the program as possible. I think the hunger thing will be a lot better too when I get my sleep patterns under control because I know the only reason why I'm feeling hungry at night is because I'm staying up way too late. I stay up late because I get up late and vice versa. I hate it, and I am working on reversing this self-defeating cycle. Unfortunately, since I'm still wide awake late at night I pretty much have to eat because I can't fall asleep if I'm hungry anyway - but I've been trying not to which only makes me fall asleep even later and thus continuing the cycle. The other night I was tossing and turning for 2 hours until around 3:30 am I finally decided to get up and have a glass of milk to make my stomach stop rumbling and keeping me up. I did the same thing last night too and had a Fiber One bar at 2 am. This is where most of my extra calories come from. Today I woke up significantly earlier than I have this past week despite still going to bed really late (2 am). I set my alarm and actually made myself wake up, so hopefully I will be tired earlier tonight.

I'm feeling grateful that so far my mind hasn't rebelled against the discipline I've introduced re: food and exercise. I know it's only been a week, but I haven't really had any moments yet where I had a mental battle with myself over doing any part of my program. I'm pretty scared of having those ambivalent feelings, since I'm sure they will come at some point, because I don't want it to derail me - I've let it derail me every time before. I've had a lot of excuses and I've given up too easily. A healthy dose of discipline may bring out the best in me and for the first time ever I'm excited for the challenge of "just how disciplined can I be?" I know my results rely on me and only me, and it feels like I'm understanding this on another level this time around. I've never had motivation like this before nor have I had the hope of actually getting the body, health, and strength I never thought would be possible, and it's a really energizing state of mind to have. It's wierd, because in my field of work I've been studying behavior change for the past year and a half, and one of the key things I have to understand about my clients is that they have to believe that they are capable of changing in order to actually change. That seems pretty obvious, but I think I just realized that on an unconscious level, I believed I couldn't change. I believed that I was a person who didn't have what it takes to change. Only recently have I begun challenging these thoughts and engaging in a little more metacognition. Apparently, I'm the ONLY person that thought I couldn't change - so didn't it make sense to challenge this belief? To take the "I can change" statement and try it on for size? Buy into it, believe it? See how it feels? See how life might look differently through these glasses? And it's not so much that I didn't think I could exercise or live a generally healthy lifestyle - I already had been doing at least half of that - it's that I have always doubted my ability to voluntarily commit. To stick with it when I didn't feel like it. I'm still working on challenging my self-defeating thoughts and beliefs. It's hard because they've been with me a while, and these thoughts are also more habits I need to change. So, right now I'm trying on the "I believe in myself" pants every day. The fit is still pretty snug, but I'm hoping that I will grow into them comfortably in time.

Anyway, I have been thinking a lot about discipline and how I have had so little of it in my life. The absence of discipline breeds self-enabling and then makes it all the more likely to avoid anything requiring discipline. I want to learn how to commit to a goal, by any means necessary. I want to accept that I am capable of so much more than I have previously believed. So right now, while my motivation is hot I should try and think of same ways to combat the feelings and things that could be triggers for quitting. Anyway, I'm off to enjoy the last of my rest day and look up some good recipes to make this week and create a grocery list for tomorrow. I found some really good recipes on the Cooking Light youtube channel and a few other sites that I'm excited about. Tomorrow starts Week 2!

TurboFire: Day Six

2012-01-13T18:13:00.003-05:00

Today at work I was told that it takes approximately 30 days of repeated behavior to create the neuropathways that lead to new habits. Today marks my first week (6 days, really, since tomorrow is a rest day) of my new behaviors. It's been a really positive week and I'm feeling good. I was also introduced to this app on my iPhone called MyFitnessPal and it's got a really cool way to track your daily calories (thanks Latoya!). I'm still trying to calculate how many calories I should intake every day while doing TF because you need some kind of defict to drop weight. There's a little equation thing in one of the booklets that came with TF so that you can calculate how many calories to intake during each week of the program but it doesn't apply it to the prep schedule, so I'm not sure. Maybe 1500 or so? That's kind of what I'm shooting for right now but I may have to bump it up a little when I get to the regular schedule and am doing the more intense cardio more often. I'm trying to resist the urge to dive into the regular schedule instead of staying on the prep schedule, because I still think it's best to get my body conditioned for at least a month before hitting it high-impact. It does make me a little anxious or restless to have days where I'm not working out as "hard" as the regular schedule would mandate, but I'm trying ot tell myself that if I'm really shooting for a lifestyle change then there's no hurry. I guess I'm just ready and anxious to do the work that will drop the weight as soon as possible. I'm also trying to tell myself that rest days are necessary, but I have the time to work out tomorrow and don't want to waste time so I'm trying to decide how I want to spend my rest day. Maybe no TF but laps at the pool instead? Not sure yet.

Tonight was Stretch 40 again and I could really tell a difference in my flexibility this time with a few of the moves, especially this one:

I really like this pose (downward dog split) because we push into it straight from another pose and it feels soooo good and you can engage your core. It makes me feel strong. I was able to lift my leg higher and keep it there longer today. The meditation part at the end was also lovely again and I was feeling really calm and peaceful when we were done. While Stretch 40 isn't a huge calorie burn, it definitely has it's benefits.

P.S. - Does anybody have any good healthy recipes or meal ideas for lunches? I'm pretty burned out of Lean Cuisines and all that frozen stuff. Comment and let me know!

TurboFire: Day Five

2012-01-12T11:54:00.007-05:00

I had a really hard time sleeping last night, I'm not sure why. I worked out at around 6 pm so it's not like it was even close to bedtime. I ended up falling asleep around 3:30-4 am unfortunately. Maybe it's because now that I'm exercising I'm just bursting with energy? Hehe it could be. I've definitely felt a lot more peppy this week. Today I woke up and my back was a bit sore, but it went away as the day carried on. I was secretely grateful that tonight's workout was Core 20 and no intense cardio tonight, even though I know I would have done it just the same. Saturday is a rest day for me so that will give my body some time to catch up. I was thinking about seeing if the pool at the Jr. High near my house is open Saturday afternoon so I can at least get some activity in. Anyway...Core 20. You should know that I absolutely HATE working out my core, probably because it's so weak and I have little to no muscle in that region. Whenever I do crunches (which is about, meh, once or twice a year) it gets uncomfortable because I can feel my belly fat squeezing against its own folds. Sorry if that was graphic. I also tend to get some back pain when working my core - probably because I'm using back muscles instead of the weakling ab muscles to help me through the moves. So tonight was a good opportunity to start making progress in getting my core strong and tight. I've noticed that I tend to move around easier in general and my body doesn't feel so heavy when I've just worked out my abs. Most of tonight's workout involved the orange jumper-cable look alike resistance bands. These things are REALLY resistant. My arm gets a workout just from holding the resistance. Anyway, there were some interesting moves that I've never seen before that definitely worked you out well. I let out some pretty devastating moans. I have to admit that I couldn't keep up during a few of them and I had to rest a few times but I'm determined to be able to keep up and have good form by the end of this 120 days. The hardest move for me was probably being in plank position and lifting up and holding in place your opposite leg and arm (i.e. your left arm is lifted up in the air while your right leg is lifted off the ground, all the while maintaining basic plank form). I just about toppled over the first time I tried it. In all, it was a nice quick core workout that I'm glad I won't have to see again for a while but nonetheless appreciate it's presence in my rotation of workouts. Since TF is largely cardio-focused I'm under no illusions that I'll be able to do this in 120 days:

However, it would be awesome.

TurboFire: Day Four

2012-01-11T14:15:00.008-05:00

So even though I originally planned on just doing a week of TF prep schedule, I think I'm actually going to do at least 30 days, for a couple of reasons:

1. I really want to make sure I don't injure myself, since I have a history of knee problems - mostly my right knee. I've done physical therapy with it before. I think that doing the prep schedule for a least a month will warm up my muscles and strengthen them so that I can do the high intensity jumping stuff during the regular TF schedule. I don't want to have to modify everything on the regular schedule if I can avoid it.

2. I want to experience most of the workouts and practice them for a while to learn the moves well so that I can completely dive right in with the regular schedule and not waste time pausing the dvd and trying to get the combos. I want to feel pretty comfortable with all the routines before really hitting it hard.

3. I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with my cat allergy. Last night I worked out in the new setup I created in the basement - where the cats really don't go - hoping that I would wheeze less or not at all. While I love my new setup (and new yoga mat that I got in the fitness section at Marshall's for $12.99), unfortunately the wheezing really acted up again after about the first 10 minutes of Fire 30, which is mostly just the warm up and part of the first combo. I had to pause the dvd a few times to try and get a deep breath in, and even then, I really couldn't get it go away. It sucks because I wasn't even really physically tired, and it stinks knowing that under normal circumstances I could have given a LOT more to the workout. I'm determined to not let this be an excuse for me (since it used to be) to exercise at home; however, I don't want to hurt myself or get into a situation where I literally can't get ANY breath in. I contacted my doctor today to ask her about possibly getting an inhaler to use just while working out. I hope that works. If not, I might just have to suck it up and modify the workouts and just cope with the fact that it's hard to breathe during them. Is that being stubborn or stupid? I don't know.

So anyway, my program will end up being around 120 days total instead of 90, because I didn't know that the prep schedule was an option. The full prep schedule is actually 9 weeks long but I don't want to wait that long to do the regular schedule so I'm planning on doing 4 weeks (30 days). Also, here is a beautiful picture of my new fabulous yoga mat (extra long, too -I think it's about 70 in.) and my workout space in the basement:

Sayre and I did Fire 30 down there last night and we both had adequate space to move around. Let me know if any of you wants to come over and work out with me!! I love working out with buddies. I plan to make Joe do some of it with me especially Stretch 40, since it's yoga and Joe likes yoga :) I also want to check out East Lansing Hot Yoga sometime this winter, maybe in place of Stretch 40 or on a rest day.

Now onto today's workout: Fire 45 EZ/Stretch 10. I made sure to set out my workout clothes before I went to work today so that I'd be sure to have no excuses (even though I'm still feeling pretty motivated.) The extra measure doesn't hurt, right? I am working out immediately after work today instead of my usual morning or late night because I want to see if the wheezing is any different after being out of the house for a while instead of being in the house the whole day and then working out. And indeed I think it helped! I barely wheezed at all during this workout, which was great because it was also a longer workout. I felt like I was able to give a lot more and even had more energy to use more of the muscles in my core to support the moves. I really liked the warm up and the first few combos, but by the last one I was actually really tired and the balls of my feet were sore from jumping around. The last combo was really complicated for me and it's definitely going to take some practice. I ended up just doing some simple jabs and a few other moves during the combo because it was going to fast - but hey! At least I was still moving. I was surprised at how quickly I actually caught onto the first two combos though. My body is only a little sore from my workouts this week but it kind of feels refreshing. I have already noticed an increase in energy and I've only been working out for 4 days. Success is mine!

TurboFire: Day Three

2012-01-10T13:09:00.002-05:00

Wow.

These things are the devil. But in a good way.

Today's workout from the prep schedule was Tone 30, which again, I thought wouldn't be that bad since it wasn't "cardio" again. And of course again, I was wrong. This workout used both the stretchy green resistance band and these upper body resistance cords or whatever their given name is. This was definitely a challenging workout, but I'm excited to continue doing it so that I can experience my progress and be able to keep up with the reps better. There were a few moments where I had to pause the dvd in order to get situated with the bands and positions, and I had to pause it to go put shoes on since there were some positions where I had to step on the band and it started digging into my foot. This was definitely a good workout though and it worked parts of my arms/shoulders that I usually neglect (not sure what the actual muscles are called though). A few of the positions felt a little awkward and it looked like on the dvd that the instructor's cords were longer than mine but oh well. I'm hoping my form will improve the more I do it. It was super hard but it felt really good - haven't felt the burn like that in a LONG time. There were points where it hurt so bad that I was first cussing, then whimpering, and then laughing. I'm thinking that I might do Fire 30 again today even though it's not on the schedule, but I'm excited because I cleaned part of the basement today and created a nice workout space. I just have to bring my tv and dvd player down there. I made a few mini-posters with some fitness-inspiring quotes on it to keep me motivated. I'll post a pic when it's all set up. I think I might go look for a reasonably priced yoga mat today too. Yippee skippee!

TurboFire: Day Two

2012-01-09T19:28:00.007-05:00

Today concluded Day Two of TurboFire using the prep schedule. Today's workout was Stretch 40, which I thought would be easy because it's not "cardio" but I was definitely wrong. Stretch 40 is mostly stretching and yoga and is supposed to help you increase your flexibility so that you can do better and not hurt yourself while doing the other high intensity workouts. I really like yoga a lot, although some of it is really really hard especially if you're a beginniner like me. However, I really like the way it makes me feel when I'm all done. She includes a short meditation/guided imagery-type exercise at the very end and I was so relaxed that when I got up I almost felt drunk. I was probably a little dehydrated though. Also, I was pleasantly surprised because some of the positions were so hard that I felt like I was actually doing cardio because I had to breathe so hard to keep the position. I like that I felt my muscles burning because that's how you know they're building. In all, it was a great workout and a great use of my time.

Also, just wanted to share something that I totally made up the other day and is now my new favorite breakfast meal. I'm somebody that has to eat some protein - eggs and such in the morning otherwise I will get hungry again in like an hour and end up consuming more calories throughout the day. It makes me sad because I looove cereal, but the only one that will fill me up is Kashi and I get burned out of that from time to time. But, my new creation includes two whole-grain toaster waffles with sauteed bananas and sugar-free syrup. Here's the ingredients and what you do:

2 multigrain/whole grain frozen toaster waffles
1/2 T. butter substitute like Smart Balance or I Can't Believe It's Not Butter
1 Banana (any size, but I use medium ones)
2-3 T. sugar free breakfast syrup

Toast 2 multi-grain or whole grain waffles in a toaster. Melt a small pat of your butter substitute over medium-high heat in a small saucepan and peel and slice your banana. After the butter is melted toss in the banana slices - it should be sizzling a little bit. Let them soften for a couple of minutes, just so they start breaking down a little. Retrieve your waffles from the toaster and put them on a plate. Elegantly dump your banana mixture over the waffles. Top with 2-3 T. of sugar-free syrup and EAT! It's really delicious. You could also melt some organic all-natural peanut butter instead of syrup, but it would increase the calories. This filled me up for about 3 hours, and I even did Tone 30 during that time. Wooha!

TurboFire: Day One

2012-01-09T11:43:00.005-05:00

Guess what arrived in the mail this weekend?

TURBOFIRE!!

Last night I completed Day One of TurboFire. I decided to do the prep schedule, which they recommend for people who don't currently work out much, for about a week at least first off because I don't want to blow anything out and not be able to work out like I want to this winter/spring. Even though I really want to jump in and do the regular schedule, I think it's rather prudent of me to step back and ease my body into workout mode gradually.

Sayre did it with me and it was pretty hilarious. We were cracking up because the instructor (Chalene Johnson) goes SUPER fast with these crazy punch-kick-jump combos to all the sounds of your favorite new jack swing hits including a dizzying remix of Bobby Brown's "Every Little Step." It was awesome. We did the "new to class" option on Fire 30/Stretch 10. To be honest I definitely struggled to keep up with the moves and combos. She does break the sequences down, but it's still pretty quick and I had a hard time encoding the sequences into my memory and then employing them on rapid fire. I think though that the more you do the workouts, the more you pick up and then eventually memorize all the moves and combos. That's the only thing I felt frustrated with, since I don't feel like I was able to fully participate and get everything out of the workout because half the time I was just kind of flailing around trying to keep up. BUT...I have to say, since I did read a few negative reviews of TF based on this inability to catch on to the moves, flailing is still moving and moving is still exercising, which is a huge improvement from what I was doing before I was flailing, which was nothing. I think I will probably have to do the "new to class" option for all of the workouts for the first few weeks and maybe even pause the dvd to try and practice and memorize the moves. I think it will eventually be great and I'm excited to get to a point where I can keep up with everything. The other thing that frustrated me was that my cat allergy began to flare up the harder I was breathing, which makes me wheeze and not be able to breathe very well. I wasn't actually that tired or winded from the workout itself, but more because I was having difficulty breathing the more effort I put into it. I'm hoping this problem can be solved by moving my workouts into the basement where the cats rarely go. I think I will try to set an area up downstairs later today.

I really enjoyed Stretch 10 as well, it was just some nice stretching and stuff to some soothing music to bring your heart rate down. Some of it felt yoga-esque which I really like. I did some stretches that I've never done before which made it unboring so that was cool too.

So, even though I felt like I couldn't keep up with the moves and was having difficulty breathing, I still felt the burn and it felt awesome. It's a really fun workout and I can tell that it's probably really effective. We turned on the sound system too to get the full effect. I'm looking forward to continuing!

Health and Fitnesss Goals

2012-01-09T10:33:00.009-05:00

Well hello there.

Welcome to my little corner of the internet. I was trying to think of some witty introductions for this but I won't waste time trying. I have decided to finally get myself in gear and commit to a workout regimen in order to lose the 15-ish pounds I put on during grad school. My weight has been up and down a little bit since undergrad. I have lost weight before and kept it off, but unfortunately it crept back on again sometime in the fall/winter of 2009-2010. I lost about 8 or so pounds earlier this spring (the unhealthy way, unfortunately, via stress), but put regained a few since. I have known that I probably needed to drop some weight for a while but simply wasn't bothered enough by it's presence until recently and I don't know why. But I'll take it. It's not too often that I'm feeling motivated for working out but I am right now since I have some down time in life. My goal is to begin a fitness program now and create a routine for myself so that when my job picks up more I will already have a routine in place and hopefully be so used to it that I can't bear to go a day without. Everyone's dream, right?

I took the liberty of using an old sewing measuring tape to take a few measurements of the ol' bod so I can see my progress and also enlisted my best pal Sayre to take a few horrifying 'before' photos. You know it's a real friend when they're willing to capture you exposing the what's left of all your self-indulgent glory. Here is my starting point:

Waist: 31.5 in
Thigh: 24 in
Hips: 38.25 in
Belly: 36 in
Butt: 41 in
Arms/Bicep: 11 in
Weight: 154 lbs
Height: 5 ft. 7 in

My body frame is probably "average" or "medium build." I manage to gain most of my weight in my midsection and thighs. Even though I hate battling belly bulge like a lot of people, I'm lucky in that at least my arms look relatively in shape and that belly flab is easily concealable for the most part. I have been battling the pot belly for more years than I can remember. I have worked out and spent months at the gym without any success in really attacking the flabbage. So, I had pretty much chalked it up to genetics as being the reason why I have to be stuck with the spare tire, except for now: I have a renewed sense of faith in my ability to gain the results I want. Right now I am in a good spot to easily say to myself everyday that 'I have no excuses," almost quite literally. There is no reason why I couldn't or shouldn't be working out every single day. I discovered a program that I think combines what results I am going for with what kinds of exercise will keep my interest and I am super excited to begin. It's called TurboFire and it just maybe exactly what I need so long as I commit myself to it daily. It's designed to be about a 90 day program of intense cardio with a little bit of toning/strength training. There is a diet/nutrition guide along with it, but I am not going to do it. I'm a pretty decent healthy eater about 90% of the time (just not when I go home to my parent's house - that's the only place I can access Cape Cod Kettle Cooked Potato Chips and various other goodies.) I am just going to continue watching what I eat, listening to my body and eating only when hungry, and continuing to make healthy choices.

So, not only am I doing this for vanity reasons (who doesn't want to look their best?), but of course for health and wellness reasons (I want to sleep better, have more energy, feel better mentally and physically, have peace knowing that I'm not neglecting or abusing my body, fight against disease, etc.). One additional reason why I am committing to this 90 day program is because I have a pattern of giving up too easily. I don't know what discipline is because I always back out when it gets too hard or inconvenient, and that's not how people grow. So I am challenging myself to stay the course even if/when it gets too hard. I am trying to redefine what the term "hard" means to me, because I know I can take a lot more than I allow myself. So in essence, I am trying to change my mind to help change my body. I want to see myself not only as a physically and mentally fit person, but as someone who is capable and empowered to do the work that creates and sustains being a physically and mentally fit person.

What are my goals, you say? My goal is to lose about 15 pounds in 90 days, bringing me down to 139-140 lbs. I want to decrease my pant size from an 8/10 to a 6. I'm trying to tell myself that it's more important to lose inches over pounds but I can't help it, I have been socialized and media-lized to be fixated on the number. However, I really do want to lose about 15 lbs because I truly think I have that much I could lose. I really want to lose actually closer to 20 pounds, but the program suggested I start out with smaller goals (5 pounds at a time, every 30 days), which means 15 pounds in 90 days. I will take inventory at the end of the 90 days.

Before I further conclude, let's review what I have been talking about, using social science terms I learned in grad school so I can feel intelligent:

Problem: Semi-overweight, inactive, unhealthy, lacking energy, and negative things that come as a result of this...
Goal: To lose 15 pounds in 90 days, building muscle, strength, energy; and other associated positive things including looking good working out only in a sportsbra and shorts, which may or may not be a pipe dream but let's go with it...
Method: TurboFire 6 days/week, healthy eating and choices
Vulnerability factors: Dislike working out, lazy, self-indulgent, propensity towards frequent pity parties, loves cooking and eating, trouble staying motivated and challenging myself, figuring out a way to fully exert myself while coping with an allergy that affects my breathing
Protective factors: Feeling motivated, in preparation stage of change, positive support systems, free time, small goal to start, desire to be healthy and strong, a blog for accountability

So off I go, to commit to daily physical and mental self-care via TurboFire (well, 6 days a week is what they prescribe). I know the hardest part of this is going to be staying motivated and excited to be sure to encourage me or tell me ways I can continue to encourage myself. Wooohoo!

P.S. - I am posting this after actually doing my first TF workout, which I will blog about in another post.

P.P.S. - I am still working up the nerve to post my before photos.

Subsatisfaction = Depression?

2011-04-24T19:38:00.002-04:00

I feel like there have been one too many times I have vacillated in my life from thinking "I love my life, this is awesome" and "I would give anything to not have to live this life. I wish I could have someone else's." I've experienced joy and happiness, but sadness and depression too. I'm sure everybody has. But I hate, hate, hate the way it feels to want to disown the life you currently live. It's one of the worst feelings. I know that a lot of this anguish is probably brought on myself because I choose to view things this way. Rather than accepting my circumstances and trying to move forward, I end up resisting every day and denying that this is the way things are right now. I don't know what it will take to be able to accept my life every day. It's really a day to day struggle anyway. It takes a lot of strength to choose to think differently. I feel like I know what I have to do, but what I have to do goes against my habit and possibly my nature. And both of them fight back like hell when my rationality tries to step in and take some control. It's exhausting. I wonder if that's partly why depressed people are so tired and want to sleep all the time. Probably because our mind is exhausted in trying to talk ourselves out of feeling down. Anyway, I hope that I can regroup after this holiday weekend and engage fully into my week at work. Deep breaths. Maybe I can make some phone calls this week too that I've been needing to. In spirit of Easter and rebirth and new beginnings, maybe I can push through the fight against my habits and into a new way of thinking and doing. It would be cool if I could create a new habit - a more positive, healthy, and effective one.

More on anxiety

2011-04-06T18:32:00.003-04:00

Tosh.O is hilarious. I had no idea watching people puke would be so entertaining. But only if the footage is grainy. That is not something I'd prefer to see in HD.

In other news...

Tomorrow is a scary day for me. I have an opportunity to develop some clinical skills I am desperately in need of, but it is going to require doing the thing I absolutely hate and avoid at all costs: confrontation. And setting firm boundaries. I know that tomorrow I will experience a pretty high level of anxiety, in hopes that I can sit through it and not let it dictate actions like I usually let it do. I hope that I can push through it, and that after that it will get easier. That's what people tell me. It can only get easier, right? I get really down on myself for not being good at this because I've been at this job for almost a year, and I feel like I *should* feel more confident with it. But if I have been avoiding most of the opportunities to experience and learn these things, I guess I can't really expect to get better or feel more confident. But tomorrow really has to be the day that I confront and deal. I'll be disappointed in myself if I fail to follow through with what my goal is, and if I let my anxiety prevent me from experiencing what I need to experience. I'm going to have to be in a pretty confident and positive mental space tomorrow. How can I get there? I think I might have to do a lot of positive self-talk. It's going to be hard because tomorrow I have to be 'in the moment,' something that I struggle with on a daily basis. Lately I've always got a countdown to something. I'm afraid that I'm missing out on life but doing this, but it's a coping mechanism. Probably also a defense mechanism as well, since it allows me to defend myself against currently reality that I find unacceptable or un-cope-able. I gotta find a better way. Let's see if I can dig deep tomorrow and begin to change some of this ridiculousness.

*Crosses fingers*

It has been a while...

2011-03-06T12:39:00.002-05:00

Well. So here we are again.

I feel rather shameful at letting this much time go by without writing really at all, and it appears that I was lacking the flavor in my last few posts, resorting to prewritten online surveys to fill up the empty space. Maybe because I wanted to express myself but didn't feel anything was good enough or to my own satisfaction. It's only been in the last year or so that I have realized I have set some sort of impractical and foolish superstandard for anything I do. I didn't think I was an all-or-nothing type of girl, but maybe I am.

Something tells me it's going to take a long time to find comfort in the in-between. And to really know and internalize that the gray area is not only ok, but it's the best way. How did I get this way?

But, I have made progress. It feels like baby steps but it's at least somewhat encouraging. The more I inch towards accepting myself and what I perceive are my biggest faults, the less anxiety I feel. Since, you know, my troubles with anxiety have been pervasive, if not at best latent, when things in life are going 'my way.'

One of the hardest parts about anxiety is trying to stay in the present. And it's hard to stay in the present when you don't exactly like what the present has to offer. But, I know I can't change that right now, and I can either put myself through hell by giving into the urge to live in the future when I think I will be happier, or I can suck it up, try to remain plugged into today, and cope with my problems. It's ironic because I think as I just wrote that, I'm realizing that my anxiety is almost an escape from reality for me. By living in the future I don't have to deal with the present. And as much as I've always tried to shoot for personal growth and grinning and bearing emotional anguish for said purpose, I think I've adapted to a victim mindset where I want a break and why-does-this-have-to-be-so-hard for me is the underlying message I send to myself. There you go. The vacillation between one and the other is exhausting. How can I accept the things that are hard and challenging and tearful and tiring without completely giving in?

Still procrastinating even when I have just a little bit of work left to do this semester

2008-12-08T12:19:00.002-05:00

*50 Questions To Really Get To Know Someone*
1) Are you a morning or night person?	i'm more of a morning person if i have to get up for something, but if i'm on vacation i'm a night person
2) Which do you prefer, sweet or salty foods?	i have a pretty big sweet tooth, but i also like salty stuff
3) Ninjas or pirates?	ninjas
4) Ninjas vs pirates, discuss.	because it's way cooler to be good at martial arts
5) Autobots or Decepticons?	meh?
6) What was your favorite childhood television program?	where do i begin? probably jem and the holograms.
7) Are you a collector of anything?	music i suppose
8) If you could be any animal, what would you be?	a bird so i can fly
9) If you could have any superpower, what would it be?	to teleport
10) What is usually your first thought when you wake up?	i have to pee
11) What do you usually think about right before falling asleep?	i'm usually fantasizing about something
12) What's your favorite color?	any shade of green, i also like red
13) What's your favorite animal?	i loooove dogs.
14) Do you believe in extraterrestrials or life on other planets?	it's hard to scientifically prove or negate. let's go with yes.
15) Do you believe in ghosts?	see above.
16) Ever been addicted to a video/computer game? Which one(s)?	i like doing online crossword puzzles sometimes.
17) You're given 1 million dollars, what do you spend it on?	i would invest the crap out of it
18) Have any bad habits?	procrastination
19) Which bad habits, if any, drive you crazy?	in others? i HATE poor cell phone etiquette. i personally do not think you should be texting or talking on the phone when you're supposed to be spending time with someone else. within reason of course
20) List 3 of your best personality traits:	hmmm...maybe sense of humor, i can keep a secret, i try to look out for the well-being of everyone in the group
21) List 3 of your worst personality traits:	i don't think i do anything that's particularly damaging, but i wish i could be more outgoing at times
22) Have any celebrity crushes?	sigh. yes. but they would never overshadow a real life crush because they're too intangible. josh holloway. tom welling. sean faris.
23) List 1 thing you wish you could change about yourself:	i wish i were less insecure about some things
24) Any tattoos or piercings?	just ears...i don't think i would ever get a tattoo
25) What's the first thing you notice in the opposite sex?	face, hands
26) What personality traits do you look for in a partner?	has to make me laugh, knows when to be serious, social, ambitious, good listener
27) What personality traits do you dislike in other people?	you are of no use to me whatsoever if you have a huge ego.
28) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?Do you see yourself getting married in the next 5 years?	it'd be nice. but i hope it happens toward the end of the next five years.
29) Are you mostly a clean or messy person?	i'm usually on the clean side, but i'm not anal about it.
30) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?	i love the midwest, but i'd like to be out east too if possible.
31) If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go?	italy, ireland, england, greece, the motherland.
32) List 5 goals on your life's to-do list:	i don't feel like getting into that right now.
33) Name 1 regret you have:	acting immaturely a long time ago
34) Name 1 thing you miss about being a kid:	having little responsibility
35) Name 1 thing you love about being an adult:	i have more freedom
36) What's your favorite song of the moment?	damn i wish i was your lover
37) What's your favorite song of all time?	that's soooo hard.
38) What's your favorite thing to do on a Saturday night?	i like being low-key, but it's also fun to go out sometimes if i'm in the right mood.
39) What's your favorite thing to do on a Sunday afternoon?	be a bum. i'm such a bum.
40) Have any hidden talents?	i can wave my tongue like some people can wave their stomachs
41) You're about to walk the green mile, what do you have as your last meal?	pot roast from houlihan's.
42) What would be your dream job?	private practice therapist...or possibly at an EAP in a big city
43) Which would you rather have, 100 million dollars or true love?	if it's that black and white, one or the other, than true love hands down.
44) If you could have 3 wishes granted, what would they be?	to never have to worry about money, the guarantee that i will find love, and have kids
45) Ever wish you were born the opposite sex? If so, why?	not really. i like being female. i think i'm pretty good at it.
46) Name 1 thing not many people know about you:	i kind of hate cats. but only because they make me feel like crap since i'm allergic.
47) If you HAD to change your name, what would you change it to?	something less 1985 than lisa marie.
48) Do you believe in the afterlife?	yes
49) On the topic of abortion, how do you feel about cookies?	wtf?
Take this survey \| Create your own survey \| Daily survey
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I am bumming ALL day today.

2008-12-05T11:16:00.001-05:00

Have You Ever...
Have you ever seen or experienced any life altering events?	Yes...I've had a few intense "God" moments
Have you ever been scared for your life?	On a daily basis when I commuted to Grand Rapids all last winter.
Have you ever seen anyone fearful for their own life?	Not in the threat of death sense, but in other senses
Have you ever accomplished something you never thought you would?	Yes....little victories.
What(s)
What has been your biggest struggle in life so far?	Pushing through fear and insecurity to become who I want to be
What do you find to be most difficult about relationships?	Romantic relationships? Making sure both people are at the same level of interest.
What part of yourself do you feel gives you the most strength?	Although a lot of the time my fears and insecurities get the best of me, deep deep down I really believe in myself.
What song can best describe your life right now?	That's hard...I'm not sure. I'd have to look through my entire catalogue of music to decide.
What song can best describe your life as a whole?	"Wishing Heart" by Lisa Loeb or "New Soul" by Yael Naim...again it's hard to decide
If there was a movie about your life what would the title be?	I don't know that I can sum it all up in a neatly packaged way. I'd for sure be leaving something out.
Who(s)
Who would you want to play "you" in the movie about your life?	I have no idea...I'm not a huge movie person and I don't really pay attention to acting
Who is the strongest person you know?	All my friends have strength in their own way, but if I had to pick one I'd pick Sayre
Who has been your biggest inspiration? Why?	I admire many people because they have amazing qualities that I'd like for myself. The include my Mom, Emily, Sayre, Leslie, Katie, Tamara, Lynn, Lyndsy, and oh so many more.
Who has made you laugh the most?	Sayre and Sammy
Who has made you cry the most?	The last person I seriously dated...although it's not like he "made" me cry, it was mostly circumstances involving him that got me upset.
Who will you always love?	Once I love anyone, I usually love them forever. That may or may not be a flaw of mine.
You do you hate/really, really dislike?	Politically/religously intolerant people. Especially ones who claim to be open-minded.
Who knows you inside and out?	My sister, Katie, Sayre
Who can best pick you up when life has pushed you down?	My sister, Katie, Sayre, my Mom
When(s)
When you wish upon a shooting star, what do you wish for?	Haha...I don't believe in that kind of thing. If I were to wish upon a star, it'd probably be something dumb.
When do you feel that love conquer all?	Love does not conquer all, but it can in conjunction with other things, such as genuine respect, trust, communication, etc. And that goes for relationships between people, countries, etc.
When will you feel that all your dreams have come true?	I'll be working towards fulfilling dreams my whole life. But that's what gives me a little purpose sometimes.
Life's Quote
Write the quote that you feel best describes life:	I don't have any favorite real quoted quotes at the top of my head, but if I were giving someone advice I'd say "accept it, then change it to your liking." within reason of course.
Take this survey or other MySpace Surveys at PimpSurveys.com

Obligatory survey during final paper writing

2008-11-30T14:47:00.001-05:00

Music: Feelin' The Same Way - Norah Jones

THE BEST SURVEY EVER... NO MORE BORING QUESTIONS!

the boring questions...
ok so whats your name?: lisa marie wolter
how old are you?: 24 yo
your home town..?: ann arbor, mi...home of the big blue
where you live right now?: east lansing, mi...spartyville, usa
who do you live with?: my awesome roomie leslie
how many friends do you have?: i'm very blessed to have many friends, all over
have you ever...
wanted to die: mmm, i have wanted the pain to go away, which is what people usually feel when they say they want to die
made smores: i love smores...made them weekly at camp for two years
cheated on a test: i momentarily forgot how to do long division in third grade, so i looked at someone else's test. and then i felt really guilty.
wished upon a star: i don't really believe in that kind of thing
prank called: noooo, tho i've been around people who have. i hate practical jokes and things of this nature.
used up 10 bottles of silly string: i don't think i've ever used up even half of one
cried in front of your crush or boyfrined/girlfrined: yes
missed someone so much your heart hurt: yes
beaten someone up: no
have been beaten up: by my big sister
not gone to the bathroom for longer than a week: absolutely not. that would be extremely self-destructive.
won an award: eh...
kissed someone in the rain: if i did, i don't remember it
kissed somone in the snow: same again heree
kissed someone while playing truth or dare, 7 minutes in heaven, etc.: no
been hit my lightning: no
almost drowned: yes...in the pool at the holiday inn when i was 6
bought a lava lamp: not my style
your love life...
are you single, in a relationship, married etc: single
are you straight, bi, homosexual etc.: straight
if your taken, what is their name?: -
if you're single do you have someone in mind?: tom welling from smallville...but he's married :(
who?: or channing tatum, sean faris, josh holloway...
are you IN love: no
have you ever been in love: yes. though i think the next time i'm in love it will be different
do you love someone: i love a lot of people
how far have you gone, first, second, third, home plate: goo.
random questions...
so how is this quiz so far?: i could write a better one. maybe that will be my next procrastination project
honestly: honestly.
that bad.. really?: ...
aw, i knew you liked it..: ........
so, do you own a cell phone?: yes...after my freshman year of college
an iPod: an mp3 player
do you have AIM or any other instant messenger?: i have AIM but don't go on very much
if so, whats your screen name?: lis7702...but i have like 4 aliases for when i want to stalk people.
do you have a myspace?: i have a myspace music page
livejournal?: i used to
xanga?: no
any of those other journal things?: i have a blogspot
whats your favorite restraunt?: shalimar in ann arbor
favorite food?: nothing too spicy
favorite drink: water, fruity iced teas, horchata, diet coke
how many closets do you have in your room?: one
how about in your house?: my parents house has 6
is your phone ringing right now?: no
mine is...: goody for you
but im not picking it up.: ok
ok.. back to the survey..: alrighty
what time is it right now?: 2:33
what kind of computer do you own?: dell desktop and dell laptop that is kind of crappy
so i have to ask..: what's with the non-questions that give me space to answer?
do you like cheese?: not really, though there are some exceptions
whats your favoirte kind of cheese?: melted mozzarella on pizza
what are you listening to right now?: pandora.com - it's on "not myself" by john mayer
are you eating anything?: no...i actually feel slightly ill from lunch
do you like febreeze?: yeah i use it on my clothes after coming home from the bar
STACY'S: if you are referring to stacy's pita chips, yes
MOM: yes i like my mom
HAS: this is dumb
GOT: see above
IT: see above
GOING: see above
ON: see above
thankyou: see above
when was the last time you...
burped: today
laughed: yesterday at dinner, my friends are hilarious
showered: this morning
went to the bathroom: like 10 minutes ago
vacumed: um it's been a while...i should get on that
went to school: last tuesday
cried: september
turned on a light: 10 minutes ago in the bathroom
threw something away: i threw away a mini candy bar wrapper earlier
did the dishes: after lunch
did the laundry?: two days ago
talked on the phone and who with: my mom called a little bit ago to see if i got home safe
flunked a test: freshman year of college
aced a test: hopefully last tuesday
broke something: i popped a button off my new coat last week, if that counts. i sewed it back on already though.
lost a tooth: a long time ago
went swimming: over the summer
went on a date: a formal date? like august
had sex..?: ....
ate something: mini-candy bar an hour ago
this or that...
powerade or gatorade: gatorade
sushi or chicken: i'm a little chickened out lately...i'd go for veggie sushi
IM or TV: tv...
MP3 or radio: mp3 hands down
going on a date, or hanging out with your frineds: depends on my mood
group or just the two of you (dating): single dates in the beginning
yahoo or hotmail: my first email address was through yahoo...i still have it but check it like every three months, since i only give it out to stores and stuff
1% or 2% milk?: i was raised on 2% but drink skim now
south park or the simpsons: simpsons...though i wasn't allowed to watch it, but i would watch it at my best friend's house growing up
mary kate or ashley (HA): the one without the eating disorder
BSB or N*sync? (HA): nsync...i used to have a poster of JT above my bed.
dog or cat: dogs, hands down. cats irk me.
french fries or potato chips: fries usually.
cola softdrinks or lemon lime softdrinks: colaaaaaaa
mellow yellow or mt. dew: i don't drink either
panera or frishes: panera..i don't know what frishes is
eating out or in: in...i loooove to cook
crayons or colored pencils: colored pencils
Mondays or Sundays: mondays...it's one day closer to friday
Saturdays or Fridays: friday
summer or fall: i love both
spring or winter: i like winter for about a month, so spring
TV or reading: tv, unless i have a really good book. i feel better about myself if i read, but it takes more effort.
newport or kenwood: meh?
this is a this, this, or that question... sex, rock and roll, or drugs?: rock and roll
over all...
what would you rate this survey on a scale 1-10: maybe a 6?
was it the best survey you've ever taken: no
or the worst?: no
or was it ok?: it could have been better, could have been worse. it wasn't unique but it wasn't too generic either.

Fill out this survey yourself
Find a different survey
Brought to you by Bzoink

Recurrent dreams

2008-11-26T22:47:00.003-05:00

For the past few years, I have been having the same two dreams over and over, at least one or twice a month. One is where I'm back in high school and I can't find my locker. And if I do find it, I can't remember the combination. And at the time, it feels like a huge crisis...like the thought of going down to the office and asking for the combination never occurs to me. The second one is where I'm also back in high school, and it's the end of the school year, and I miraculously remember that I've been skipping my fifth hour math class all year and now I am in danger of not graduating. I've heard of people dreaming of stuff like this, so I don't feel especially unique.

BUT...in the past month or two, I have another recurring dream to add to the list. I have dreamt forms of this dream about 4-5 times in the past two months. The dream is that I'm a bridesmaid and I'm late for the wedding, and by the time I get there, it's already the reception. And I feel absolutely horrible because I messed up the bride's day, and also horribly sad because I missed all the fun. So far I've dreamt it with my friend Kristie as the bride (whose wedding I was a bridesmaid in back in September), and with my friend Lynn (whose wedding I'm in next summer). In one of the dreams with my friend Kristie, there were all these obstacles I had to get through to get to the wedding. I had forgotten my shoes and had to run back to the hotel (but it's that run where you feel like you're running as fast as you can but you haven't gone anywhere), and I had to climb this huge wall of stairs that was partially immersed in water, and then I got my dress wet and had to go back again to the hotel to dry off. When I finally made it there, Kristie was so upset with me and wouldn't talk to me. It was horrible. I wonder what it all means. Let's just hope it's not foreshadowing.

The apocalypse is drawing nigh.

2008-11-25T21:10:00.002-05:00

I feel an air of sadness at the fact that I will be spending most of my Thanksgiving break in front of a computer. It doesn't even really feel like a break, since I only get one day off, since I don't have class anyway on Fridays. Bah. Pretty much after next Tuesday I will be home free, with only my final policy paper due on the 8th, which I will have already done the whole thing except conclusions, etc. I had an exam and a paper due today, both of which were surprisingly painless. If only this next week would rip off like a bandaid.

In other news...

Which Celebrity Male Would Crush On You???

Orlando Bloom

Your personality fits Orlando's liking best! (Will-Pirates of the Carribean)

Fun quizzes, surveys & blog quizzes by

A little friday morning fun

2008-11-21T10:55:00.001-05:00

Music: I Wish You Love - Janis Siegel

All things real hurtful/sad/happy

Are you a happy person?: Yes. Even if I'm not in a happy mood I always have an overall attitude of contentment
Have you cried yourself to sleep?: Yes, more than I'd like to admit
Have you been in any physical fights?: None where I was the perpetrator
Have you been in trouble with the law/ jail time?: Yes...I had to get a lawyer :( I claim innocence though.
Have you lied?: Who hasn't at some point?
Do you hate anybody?: No...but there are people I strongly dislike
At what age did you become sexually active?: ...
Have you been in a loving relationship?: Yes
Have you been in an abusive/ bad relationship?: No, though there were some moments
Have you ever hurt someone on purpose emotionally?: Absolutely not. Even when I had grounds to.
Are you friends with your ex's?: A little bit
Every think of someone from your past and regret not going for it?: A little...but things worked out well in the end
Are you still in love with your ex?: No, but I've got a soft spot in my heart for him and wish him the very best.
Who would you die for?: People I love
Who's the first person you call?: Usually KTB
Who do you most relate to with experiences/life/love?: Katie, Sayre, Emily, Rebekah, Leslie, and probably most of my friends. That's probably why we're friends.
What do you think about your ex's?: Depends on which ex
List 3 of your ex's who have changed you in some way?: No names, but each of them have affected me in some way
Do you believe in lasting love?: Yes
List 3 people you know are down for you with no questions?: Down for me?
Do you really miss anyone from your past?: Yes I do. It's always haunting when you have unfinished business.
Are you in a relationship or plan to be?: No but it'd be nice at some point with the right person
Do you have any regrets?: Definitely.
Are you a good person?: I think so, I try really hard
Do you find yourself attractive?: Sometimes
Are you scared of anything?: Yes, lots of things
Do you have/want kids?: I definitely want kids. My maternal gene kicked in like two years ago.
Do you do drugs?: No
Are you happy with who you are?: Generally yes, although there's always parts I strive to improve on.
If you could do one thing for one person in your life what would it be?: I wish I could financially support some close friends
Would you get back with one of your ex's?: No
Do you enjoy sex or use it as a weapon?: I imagine people who use it as a weapon probably enjoy it at the same time
What�s the freakiest thing you've done?: I'm not a freaky person
Have you ever been in a gang?: No
Love or money?: Love, of course. I'm not an empty person nor do I plan on being one.
Have you ever cheated?: On a test? Yes. On a person? No.
Describe yourself in 5 words?: Appreciative. Introspective. Humorous. Caring. Integrity.
Do you want to get married/ are married?: Absolutely, I can't wait
Who are you?: I'm Lisa
Ever been in the hospital?: Not overnight since I had to have tubes in my ears when I was little
What's you motto?: Listen more than you speak.
If you could change one thing about your personality what would it be?: I wish I could be more assertive/confrontational when the need for it arises.
If you could change one thing about you physically what would it be?: It be nice to get liposuction, though I would never do that or have any other plastic surgery for a quick fix. I believe in hard work.

Fill out this survey yourself
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edit.

2008-11-19T18:22:00.000-05:00

wow...no sooner did i write that last post, i found this on msnbc.com:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/27775484/

bringin revival

2008-11-19T16:09:00.002-05:00

Music: Northern Star - Leona Naess

This is my first legitimate attempt at resurrecting my blog. Oh sweet blog, how I have missed you. This may be a little premature, since I still don't have anything substantial to say. But I figure maybe, just maybe, it will turn out to be my cyber field of dreams. If I build it, he will come. Hopefully the words will follow.

Aside from the fact that I think facebook ruins lives, I have another complaint. I hate the sidebar when you first log on that says "People You May Know." It's always the same people, and I rarely know anyone. I just deleted everyone it has ever offered up as a facebook friend to me. It's best reason for showing these people are immaterial facts such as "You and ____ both went to Michigan." Well, hot damn! If he went to Michigan, we must know each other and therefore must be friends. I wonder how many times my picture has appeared on somebody's sidebar. And also, what's the deal with people unfriending facebook friends? Do people actually really care who their facebook friends are? Facebook is not a real judgment of who your friends are. At least not for me. I know people who have unfriended facebook friends because they got into a fight or had political disagreements. Good lord. Get over yourself. I started out just confirming everyone that added me, because I really didn't care. And I still don't. But, I have had to tighten my restrictions a little ever since facebook became more like myspace, and it was no longer limited to college students. I confirmed someone I didn't know, because I really don't care, but then they started sending me weird messages. So now I don't confirm anyone that I don't know or know of. But I think unfriending people or refusing people's facebook friendships who you dislike makes such a wussy statement. It's like saying, "You're not invited to my birthday anymore."

I'm hoping that taking online surveys will inspire me to actually do a real update

2008-11-18T12:45:00.000-05:00

All About Me Part II

What I didn't tell you the first time!

by Esinedfigaro

001. What is Your Name?

Lisa

002. How old are you?

003. What is the link to your website, blog, or myspace?

anopenhouse.blogspot.com

004. Favorite Color:

I like to wear red and green

005. Your Car:

Silver Jetta

006. Your Crushes First Name:

I usually have about 5 crushes going at a time

007. Your Style:

Depends on the day...if I could afford it I would have my whole wardrobe be from Express

008. Have You Ever Sat on your rooftop?

Yes...and got grounded for it

009. Have You Ever Kissed someone in the rain?

Probably, though no specific incident stands out

010. Have You Ever Talked to someone you don't know?

Of course

011. Have You Ever Gone out of your way to befriend someone?

Yes

012. Have You Ever Made out in a theatre?

Haha...not "made out" but kissed, yeah

013. Who was the last person to Tell you, I love you?

Katie B.

014. Who was the last person to Kiss you?

No names, just dates. September, 2008

015. Who was the last person to Call your cell phone?

Rebba

016. Who was the last person to Go with you to the movies?

My sister when we saw The Secret Life of Bees on my bday

017. Who was the last person to Touch you?

Hmm, probably Becca since I pet her all the time

018. What's the last Movie you watched?

I watched Sliding Doors over the weekend

019. What's the last Drink you've had?

Water

020. Can You Stay up a whole night without sleep?

Not by myself, no

021. Can You Speak a different language?

I can get by with a little Spanish

022. Favorite Food

That's a hard one...I love healthy foods and some junk foods like licorice (NOT twizzlers, the real stuff that's not fruit-flavored)

023. Favorite Drink

Peach or raspberry iced tea

024. What's Your Favorite Baseball Team and Football Team

I don't pay attention to the pros...go blue though

025. Favorite Store

Anyplace where I can get a good bargain

026. Longest Relationship

It's hard to say

027. Have You Ever Skinny Dipped

Yes...I have never laughed so hard in my entire life...there were about 20 of us

028. Have You Ever Had Sex

That's a little personal.

029. Do you have any siblings?

Older sister and younger brother.

030. Do you wear glasses or contacts?

Nope! I have excellent vision.

031. Do you have any piercings?

Just ears

032. Have you ever Been caught doing something you weren't supposed to do?

Probably

033. What was the last Song you've listened to?

What's the Deal - Supreme Beings of Leisure (thanks to joe)

034. What was the last Thing you were doing before this?

Eating lunch

035. How much cash do you have on you?

About 40$...which is a rarity

036. What did your last text message say?

I don't have text messaging

037. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Listening to music while trying to fall asleep

038. What's a word that you say a lot?

Gooo

039. What is the first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

I check out teeth, noses, and hands

040. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

Sometimes

041. Who would you like to see right now?

jonnycakes!

042. Would you go on a date with someone on MySpace?

Probably not...have you seen my friends on myspace? Half of them are old men.

043. The first time You had sex?

See #28.

044. The first time You had oral sex?

This is getting rather invasive for an internet survey!

045. The last time You saw someone else naked? who?

No comment.

046. The last time You played truth or dare?

Formally? Probably like high school.

047. Are you single?

Yes

048. How many relationships have you had?

Probably one legitimate one, but I've had several flings

049. How many of them were sexual?

Uh...all of them? Isn't that what kind of sets relationships apart from friendships?

050. What are you wearing?

Fleece pants and a sweatshirt

051. Have you ever had a one night stand?

Sure

052. Did it involve sex?

No...but then maybe it's not considered a one-night stand

053. Who are you with or who do you want to be with?

I'd like to be with several people right now

054. Do you beleive you should be in love to have sex?

Yes; I'm personally not down with casual sex

055. Right at this moment Where are you?

In my bedroom

056. Have you ever been to NYC?

Yes and I loved it!

057. Have u ever pulled an all nighter? where?

No. Whatever works that needs to be done must be sacrificed if I'm not done with it by the time I'm really tired

058. What was the last compliment you recieved?

Joe told me I was witty online yesterday

059. Would you ever date someone younger than you?

No...well maybe only by like a year...but age difference matters less as you get older

060. Would you ever date someone older than you?

I would prefer to always date someone older than me

061. Are you the romantic type?

Yes, but I don't think I'm cheesy about it

062. Is your best friend a virgin?

I have many best friends, none of them are virgins.

063. Has there ever been a rumor spread about you?

I hope not

064. What did you do last night?

Listened to music and wrote my policy paper

065. Favorite Place to live?

I always loved living in Ann Arbor

066. Best place to go on a date?

I'm a huge fan of petting the puppies at the humane society

067. Most memorable experience with a friend?

Too many to count

068. Any trips planned with friends?

Possibly a Chicago trip coming up

069. Opinions/ Thoughts on Drugs and alcohol?

Alcohol, have fun with it within reason. Aside from marijuana, I'd say drugs are a terrible idea. Although marijuana and alcohol can become terrible too if not used responsibility and outside of occas

070. Do you believe that there is such a thing as soulmates?

Of course! I have several soul mates. I call them "kindred spirits." You don't have to have everything in common with a person in order to have some sort of cosmic connection with them.

071. Whats the carziest thing you've done?

I'm not very crazy, nor am I any sort of risk taker.

072. Do you have your own crib?

I pay the rent, yes

073. DO U LOVE 2 PARTY

At the right time with the right people

074. DO U LIKE 2 PLAY WIT PEOPLES MINDS

Not really

075. R U A HEARTBRAKER

I think I've had my heart broken more than I've broken someone else's heart

076. Have any pets

My little furry one, Casey, back home

077. Talked on the phone for more than 6 hrs :

Oh yeah, me and Ken used to do that all the time

078. How did you find out about Myspace?

Sammy

079. Have you ever called anyone you met on Myspace?

080. Have you ever met anyone you met on Myspace?

No...but I saw one of my myspace friends at the bar once and though it would be too creepy of me to go over and say hi since I didn't actually know him in real life

Take This Survey | Create a Survey by Tjshome.com | Great Amazon.com Deals

Procrastination looks the same in grad school as it did in undergrad:

2008-11-17T15:06:00.000-05:00

Tell Me About Yourself Survey

Name

Lisa

Birthday

11/1/84

Birthplace

Ann Arbor, MI

Current Location

East Lansing, MI

Eye Color

Greenish

Hair Color

Blondish

Height

5'7"

Right Handed or Left Handed

Right

Your Heritage

Dutch, slightly German

The Shoes You Wore Today

Square toed knee-high brown boots

Your Weakness

Chocolate, music

Your Fears

Not achieving my goals, being alone forever, being murdered

Your Perfect Pizza

Hmmm, anything but anchovies and black olives

Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year

Learn to finger pick an entire song on guitar

Your Most Overused Phrase On Instant Messenger

I rarely go on IM

Thoughts First Waking Up

I really have to pee

Your Best Physical Feature

I have been told I have nice teeth; however, I like my shoulders.

Your Bedtime

Haha...like 11 pm

Your Most Missed Memory

Snuggling with Arin and Katie in the Johnston's bed

Pepsi or Coke

Diet Coke

MacDonalds or Burger King

Burger King...I was never a huge McD's fan

Single or Group Dates

Single, unless you've been with that person for a long time and know some fun couples to go out with

Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea

Lipton...Nestea gives me a sore throat

Chocolate or Vanilla

Chocolate...unless it's ice cream, then vanilla

Cappuccino or Coffee

I've nevver had cappuccino so I guess coffee...as long as there's hazelnut flavored creamer

Do you Smoke

No...though it happens on rare occassions when I can bum one off of someone while drinking

Do you Swear

Yes, although I think it's a pretty unattractive habit

Do you Sing

Yes

Do you Shower Daily

Yes

Have you Been in Love

Yes

Do you want to go to College

I'm in grad school...College 2.0

Do you want to get Married

Yes

Do you belive in yourself

Most of the time...we all have our moments though

Do you get Motion Sickness

Do you think you are Attractive

Sometimes

Are you a Health Freak

I wouldn't use the term "freak." How bout health conscious?

Do you get along with your Parents

Yes

Do you like Thunderstorms

I love thunderstorms...I'd rather have a rainy day than a sunny day

Do you play an Instrument

Yes

In the past month have you Drank Alcohol

Yes

In the past month have you Smoked

One clove cigarette

In the past month have you been on Drugs

Eh no...unless you count the laughing gas at the dentist

In the past month have you gone on a Date

Not really

In the past month have you gone to a Mall

Yes

In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos

Haha...yes, though not all in one sitting

In the past month have you eaten Sushi

I think it's been a few months since I had sushi

In the past month have you been on Stage

In the past month have you been Dumped

In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping

It's a little chilly for that.

In the past month have you Stolen Anything

I stole some socks from my mom when I went home in October

Ever been Drunk

Yes

Ever been called a Tease

Only playfully

Ever been Beaten up

Just by my big sister :)

Ever Shoplifted

I'm not so attached to material goods that the idea of shoplifting would even enter my mind

How do you want to Die

Wrinkly and old, in my sleep

What do you want to be when you Grow Up

Social worker extraordinaire

What country would you most like to Visit

Italy

Number of Drugs I have taken

Illegal?

Number of CDs I own

More than most people, since I don't use iTunes or any downloading device

Number of Piercings

Just ears

Number of Tattoos

I don't think I would ever want a tattoo

Number of things in my Past I Regret

A lot. Anyone who says they don't have regrets is kidding themselves.

In a Boy/Girl...

Favorite Eye Color

Doesn't matter

Favorite Hair Color

Doesn't matter as long as it's clean

Short or Long Hair

I've been attracted to all types of hairstyles on men

Height

Taller than me, preferably

Weight

Heavier than me, preferably

Best Clothing Style

Doesn't matter, as long as the clothes fit and they don't look like a dad or a nerd.

MySpace Surveys and Quizzes

I feel so honored...

2008-05-18T22:15:00.001-04:00

Which Britney Spears are you?

Sexy Almost Naked Britney

You are young and you have nothing to hide. You are a free spirit who has fun dancing and being sexy. You will be old with wrinkles some day, enjoy it while you can.

Click Here to Take This Quiz
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I forgot about this.

2008-05-01T19:32:00.002-04:00

Music: I Can't See New York - Tori Amos

In recent days I've been reticent about blogging...as evidenced by the absence of any updates in the past five months. But there's something about right now that lured me back to my initial form of expression. Things have been so busy that I think I'm forgetting who I am. All the self-discovery, the nights alone in my dorm room ruminating my existence in contrast to others', the honing of my ability to sink deeper and deeper underneath the skin of the daily happenings that create my being...I feel like I have lost my grip on these things in the midst of my busy-ness, my sociality, and my fatigue. But the excitement of these past few months has worn and left feeling like I there was nothing to revert back to. I used to be my own best friend, and although it's been nice to not have to be that right now, I miss it, and I miss spending time with myself. Real time. Not just the mindless lounging on my microsuede couch over dinner or my daily commute to and from work, mind zoning out over the music and eyes glazing over the endless and identical blanket of dark pavement all the way into Grand Rapids.

As much progress I have made in my independence this year...I'll admit, I've had my "I am woman, hear me roar moments," I still believe I have copped out with many other important aspects of my being, that I still dare not mention and I dare not venture.

I love where I'm at...I'm settling into my own skin, yet constantly shedding layers and also putting old ones back on. But, I miss the times when I didn't have the strength to break free but somehow had the strength to stay inside myself. Ironically, the tables have turned and it now takes more energy to live as I once did, examining myself and identifying my substantial fears, wants, "ouches," and neuroses. It's odd that I know the person I am becoming better than the person I really am. It's a tricky paradox though; you would think this is a good thing, which it can be, if you assume that the person I am becoming is the person I want to be in place of the person I am. This is partially true, but I miss the person underneath, the person with the fears and dreams that have been left undealt with by the roadside in my haste to find refuge from challenge and self-disappointment. In doing so, I have embraced new things, new people, new places, and it has been amazing. But maybe in doing so I have completely turned my back on the real me. It's a balancing act that I'll probably be working on the rest of my life. I guess what it comes down to is that maybe I need some time to remember the things I ignored because they were hard to deal with; but now I feel a little bit emptied because I have ignored something important to me.

Thanks to Katie, whose writing just inspired me to reflect on my personal transition through a cathartic medium in which we both feel so utterly safe and so completely ourselves.

2007-12-16T20:40:00.001-05:00

Music: If You Leave Me Now - Chicago

I finally got my kitchen sink unclogged today.

After about 6 weeks of plunging and drano-ing, I bit the bullet and called up Roto Rooter on this fine Sunday afternoon. It's a good thing too, because he put some new piping in and stayed for 2 hours because it was that complicated. 230$ down the drain, but at least I won't have to do my dishes in the bathtub anymore. I also had to shovel today...that's one of the downsides to living in a house. Plus my driveway is probably at least thirty feet long, so you can imagine how much my back hurts right now.

This is my last week of work until a little vacation...unfortunately I'll be working on applications during it but oh well. It'll be nice to be home for a few days. I got a new digital camera too yesterday when I was out xmas shopping. I'll post some pics sometime of my house and such.

Service day tomorrow...we're doing some painting. I'm excited to get out of the office for a little bit, it should be fun. Anywho...I've gotta go finish laundry and start wrapping some presents. My sister took all of my Sex and the City dvd's so it looks like I'll have to see what's on cable. Sunday night isn't usually the greatest night for tv.

Yay for a five day weekend

2007-11-21T10:20:00.000-05:00

Music: Let's Spend the Day in Bed - Over the Rhine

It's been a while since I updated....I used to update a lot more. And then I got a life. Or something. But anywho...things are going swimmingly here on the west side. I'm about to go back to Ann Arbor for the first time since the end of August...I'm excited to see family and friends and my dog. Things are coming together a little more at work...I love what I do but I still lack a lot of background knowledge that I need in order to do all of it...but hopefully that will come with experience. I'm getting a new digital camera for my birthday so maybe I'll take pics of life around here and post them. Or maybe onto facebook or something. Anyway, I'm feeling writer's block and I don't really have anything profound or comical to say so with that being said, I'm gonna go fold laundry and enjoy the first day of my 5 day weekend.

2007-10-11T22:03:00.001-04:00

is it wrong that i like the new britney spears single?

New things

2007-09-22T09:16:00.000-04:00

Music: Protection - Everything But The Girl

Ok so I've moved....my new address is 247 E. 12th St, Holland, MI 49423. I started a new job with AmeriCorps and am working as a client caseworker for the American Red Cross of Greater Grand Rapids. I love everyone I'm meeting and I haven't had this much fun in a long time; things are going awesome. I actually feel like I'm living life now and not just letting it happen to me. It's been a difficult year of change and I've been through the emotional ringer...but it was all worth it to be in this really good place right now and to be who I turned out to be on the other side.

And just because he's so cute..

2007-08-15T21:41:00.001-04:00

Little Casey!

The little chillens

2007-08-15T20:55:00.000-04:00

Music: Rachael Yamagata - Paper Doll

I've been nannying for the Klima's this whole summer, and it took me that long to take just one picture of the kids. Probably because my digital camera sucks, so I had to use my parents'. Here's a few pics (that are gonna be huge because I don't feel like cropping them) mostly of Casey because I didn't really see much of Seth and Claire the day I took these. They were playing "Sisters," where Seth dresses up like a girl and follows Claire around, pretending to be her sister "Sabrina." If only I had pictures of that.

Big week agaga

2007-07-29T21:05:00.000-04:00

Music: Emergency 72 - Turin Brakes

I have a pretty busy week starting tomorrow. I have four interviews (2 out of town), two ESL tutoring sessions (which I also have to lesson plan for), two essays to write and submit by Wednesday, and a trip to NYC to pack for and to take. I'll be glad come Thursday when I'm relaxing on a plane with a book and a water bottle filled with my new obsession, Crystal Light on-the-go packets. They're amazing. I'm addicted to drinking water now.

Yesterday was amusing....Sayre and I had nothing else to do so we decided to do a homemade lice treatment. If you don't know, I got head lice from one of the kids I nanny for, and I turn gave it to Sayre and Sammy. Good thing we're all like family. We had all done the lice shampoo thing a few times but were still finding nits and stuff. Well anyway...yesterday we heated up a huge tupperware full of mayonnaise and slathered it over each other's heads. We then wrapped our heads in saran wrap and watched a few episodes of Sex and the City, and then rinsed it out with vinegar. It smelled sooo bad, I almost gagged. And today at the gym, I swore I could smell mayonnaise as my head started sweating. But, so far I haven't found any lice, so that's a good sign. It's funny that from nannying alone, I contracted two childhood ailments that I never had when I was a kid (pink eye and lice). It's like they're making up for lost time. This year has been the year of stubborn health problems. Bah.

A Bad Dream Video - Keane

2007-07-23T23:18:00.001-04:00

Music: Try Again - Keane

So as most people know, I am a huge Keane fan. Like HUGE. I'm a huge fan of many artists, but I've been on a straight Keane-high for over a year. I was gonna post this a bit ago, but stupid youtube.com apparently doesn't remember that I have an account so it took me a while to make a new one. It's the video for one of my favorite songs I have ever heard; it's musical and lyrical perfection to me. Musical because of it's urgent pensiveness and emotion, and lyrical because of it's beautiful simplicity. I was drawn into this song by my melancholy nature, so if you're an introspective person or self-admittedly slightly emo, you should give it a listen. Not to mention that the lead singer is probably the sexiest musician I have ever seen; maybe not the most attractive in the traditional sense, but damn, there's something about him that I fear would make me thwart everything I stand for. Anyway, the video probably isn't super interesting to the first-time viewer or newbie to the band, but at least watch it for the song. Let it wash over you pleaaaase because I want you to love it as much as I do. It's called "A Bad Dream," and you should also listen to "Try Again" because it's just as heartbreaking.
BTW - pray for me tomorrow as I have a very important interview and while I battle this unfortunate case of head lice (siiick) that I got from one of the kids I nanny for. I've had like every random illness this year. At this point I wouldn't be surprised if I wound up with chicken pox again.

Speaking of...

2007-07-22T22:12:00.000-04:00

Music: Rufus Wainwright - Peach Trees

I just changed my heading on myspace to "The Listless Forklift" so as to throw off potential employers. I don't exactly want them milling around my profile and clicking on all the crazy people who I accepted friend requests from simply because I don't care.

A bit stressed lately...lots of stuff going on. Busy busy busy. I feel like I don't have much down time for myself, or even much for my friends. Hopefully things will calm down once I get some answers in the next few weeks. Still haven't heard anything about my first soldier penpal...I've been checking the casualty list to see if his name is on there, and thankfully it's not there. But the lady from the organization told me they think he's been injured and has been sent home. I haven't heard anything about my second guy either. Poop.

We went out to Real Seafood on saturday for my sister's bday. Have you noticed that I never capitalize the days of the week? Yeah me too. Anyway, we were taking pictures on the deck beforehand and my sister lost her earring. I found it today in a potted plant, clinging to a little vine. I love looking for lost goods. If someone tells me something's lost, I feel obsessed over finding it. I like have to find it. Only for other people though. I don't like looking for my own things....probably because I'm too emotionally invested. Ha.

Back to work tomorrow, taking the kiddies to tennis lessons in the sweltering heat. I have friday off, and then all of next week off, and I'm going to NYC next thursday!

Band Names

2007-07-12T21:48:00.000-04:00

Music: Rufus Wainwright - Go Or Go Ahead

Most people who know me know that I love to name things. I used to rip off nail polish stickers and rename the color myself. But the thing the I most love to name, are bands. Pretend bands. It's one of my favorite things to do. Most of the time I get the idea for a great band name by mishearing somebody. But sometimes it just happens when I put a random adjective and object together. For example, me and Sammy's fake musical collaboration name is "The Listless Forklift." I did it through this online name generator where it asks you to enter random things, but still you get the point. Here is my list of band names that I have created and kept track of (because I'm sure I've made up more than these).

-The Flaming Ponchos
-Tough Lettuce
-Angus Knife
-Meat Rub
-Easy Tortilla
-Godiva Cutting Board
-The Lone Pancake
-Steaming Mulch
-Air Bag
-The Ironic Gift
-Double Chin
-Love Rhombus
-Moon Finger
-Without The L-Word
-I'm Not Running
-Shy Ham Sandwich

It's funny to imagine what kinds of bands these would be. "Without The L-Word" and "I'm Not Running" are definitely emo bands in my mind. And "The Flaming Ponchos" is definitely an 80's cover band. If you have a great band name, please comment because I guarantee I will laugh really hard.

Haha

2007-07-06T22:36:00.001-04:00

If you've seen "To Catch A Predator" on Dateline, then this is really funny. Thanks to Emily who emailed the link to me a while ago; I just remembered it now and decided to post it.

2007-06-26T20:52:00.000-04:00

I'm completely exhausted from sucking at life. Don't ever become like me.

Ha

2007-06-20T19:57:00.000-04:00

Music: My Father's Gun - Elton John

According to my last post, I predicted that I would probably get hurt or something the next day. Well, that prediction turned into prophesy, because sure enough, the next day I stepped on something in the garage in my bare feet, and whatever I stepped on is now wedged underneath the skin and I'm unable to get it out. It hurts like a mother. It might be a splinter, but I can't squeeze it out - there's no apparent opening. But you can see it under there.

Monday night was my last day of antibiotics, and so far so good...at least with the sinus infection. Tuesday was my last day for eye drops, and I'm not exactly convinced the pink eye is 100% gone but I guess we'll see in the next few days.

Other than that, I've been working a lot. I'm pretty tired when I get home, but I'm getting used to being busy all day. I'm looking to get a new digital camera, because mine sucks/is broken. Once I do, I'll have to post some pics of the kids I nanny for because they're adorable. We made these amazing chocolate sandwich cookies yesterday afternoon. Well, I mostly made them because they lost interest after the first batch. They're funny though. Like today, maybe you had to be there, but I was washing some dishes inside and Claire (7) and Seth (5) were outside on the back patio and they were really quiet, and then all of a sudden Claire exclaims: "You farted!" Haha. I just thought it was funny.

It has become the month of maladies

2007-06-11T19:31:00.000-04:00

Music: Another Day - Air

So this entry is going to serve as primarily a health update. My body has taken quite a blow this past month. Let's reminisce.

Saturday, April 28 - I started to feel a cold coming on. I felt like crap, but went out that night anyway.

Sunday, April 29 - Slept most of the day, still felt like crap, but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly I felt like, except that it felt like crap. I took cold medicine for a week and thought that it was about 80% back to normal.

Friday, May 4 - Went out for Lyndsy's birthday. Felt ok, but a little tired. But halfway into that day, one of my molars started hurting real bad and I couldn't chew on that side.

Saturday, May 5 - Whatever "cold" I had the earlier week came back at full force.

Tuesday, May 8 - The woman who I was nannying for at the time, who is a nurse practictioner, took one look at me and told me that I had a sinus infection. I had had a fever, swollen glands, unconventionally weird sore throat, stuffed up head/nose. She prescribes my first round of antibiotics. Begin taking them at approximately 11:30 am. At 3:30 pm, I noticed my eye was itchy and I felt like I needed eye drops, which I thought was strange, especially since I don't wear glasses or contacts. Then, my eye started to ahem, ooze. I went home that night, started not feeling well, took more antbiotics, and took a nap. I woke up half an hour later and my eye was completely crusted shut. Fun, yeah? I called my mom at work because I thought I was going blind. Not really, but you know. She said it was probably pink eye, and she managed to get me some eye drops that night.

Wednesday, May 9 - Dentist appointment to see what's wrong with my tooth. He told me that my tooth hurt because I had a sinus infection. Further confirmation of the initial diagnosis.

Friday, May 11 - I had finished my first course of antibiotics. At this point the pink eye had spread to both eyes, but the drops were keeping it somewhat in check, and by the next day, had pretty much cleared up. However, I was nowhere near clear of the sinus infection, so I managed to get into the doctor, who prescribed me a 10-day dose of amoxicillin.

Tuesday, May 15 - Feeling a lot better, but can still tell that my throat wasn't 100% normal, and I got headachey and feverish in the evenings. But during a game of "airplane," with 4-year-old Jake, I extended him too far over my head and ended up nearly paralyzing myself by kind of doing a weird backwards somersault, but only my body went over my head. Hard to explain. But it felt like I had broken my neck. Had only about a 120 degree range of motion for about a week. Also, during Jake's hockey practice later that afternoon, my eye started to ooze again, spreading to both eyes. Administered eye drops for the next few days, mostly gone by Friday.

Wednesday, May 16 - Basically slammed the basement door into my nose. Heard a loud crack, and thought I would see blood ejecting from my nose but all I got was a huge bump and bruises on the sides. Hurt so bad that it made the top of my head throb. Was sensitive to the touch for about a week. Lots of ice.

Friday, May 25 - Second round of antibiotics done, but still feel not completely cured. Made a last minute appointment for the doctor, got tested for strep and mono, get a 10-day course of Keflex. Later this afternoon, eye starts oozing again, spreads to other eye. Susie (the nurse practictioner) gives me some extra strong bootleg eye drops that she had at home.

Saturday, June 2 - After getting back late from Sammy's show, eye starts getting red and itchy. Goddam it. I had to give back the bootleg drops, but I brought my old ones just in case.

Monday, June 11 - Last day of Keflex. Let's hope I'm cured tomorrow. Still have pink eye....round 4 has been the most stubborn, but at least only mostly in my left eye. Still using ghetto eye drops. In the meantime, it turned out that I tested negative for strep and mono, but my blood test showed that I'm anemic, so I'm now on 130 mg of iron daily. Plus I decided to started taking a calcium supplement too. And today, while chasing 2-year-old Casey down every aisle of the Ypsi public library, I knelt down to peekaboo him, and then shot right back up, and hit the side of my head on the corner of the children's bookshelf. My first thought was fuck!, and then the second, You idiot! I literally saw stars. It hurt so bad again that I felt the top of my head throb, even though I had hit my temple. I became slightly nauseous, and for a minute I thought maybe I had a concussion. I've had a headache the rest of the day, and there's a bruise on the end of my eyebrow and into my temple.

I'm probably forgetting stuff...I thought I had pink eye only 3 times, but it turns out it's 4. One large sinus infection, 4 pink eyes, two head/face injuries, and one neck twisting. Now I'm just waiting to stub all my toes on the sidewalk or have all my hair get caught in the car door or something. I'm taking the kids to Rolling Hills tomorrow. Watch me slip and fall in the ladies locker room or get thrown from an innertube and drown in the waves, only to have my cold, pale, lifeless body dragged ashore through the urine-infested chlorine by some pubescent pimply-faced lifeguard. I wouldn't be surprised.

Before and After

2007-05-29T17:45:00.000-04:00

Music: Kelly Sweet - Raincoat

I posted a few weeks ago about how I'd put up before and after photos of my weight loss from the past year. I finally located an old photo and took a new one so here they are.

Me (in the pink) and the sibs at the end of the summer before my junior year of college, and at probably my heaviest (I was 5'7" and about 163 lbs)

And then me and my sister's boyfriend Adam, who came home from NYC to visit over Memorial Day weekend (me still 5'7", but now 136 lbs). I look a little ill in this picture because I still had a sinus infection and was getting over my second bout of pink eye in both eyes. Goo!

I hate Rosie O'Donnell, and I hope you do too

2007-05-24T19:24:00.000-04:00

Music: Horses in My Dreams - PJ Harvey

Deep breath. Had to put some calming music on to quell my rage at the video clips I just viewed. I had caught a few minutes of The View yesterday, which I hate, particularly because of Rosie O'Donnell and there being a lack of support on the conservative side of any political discussion, which turns into everyone belittling and insulting Elisabeth Hasselbeck. But I was curious because I saw on the news later that the small bit I saw had turned into a 10 minute "cat fight" between Rosie and Elisabeth. I'm not going to go into the contents of their argument, since it was all over the place anyway and some stuff I think referred to other arguments that they've had that I haven't seen, but basically Rosie (and Joy for that fact) is a biatch. She even went as low as to complain about how the media would now say that Rosie, the "lesbian bully" had attacked "innocent pure Christian Elisabeth." Aw, poor Rosie. Seriously. For a woman who acts like she doesn't give a shit about anyone but herself, why would she even care about how she appears to the media? What exactly is her point here? Plus I'm sure that Elisabeth doesn't like being labeled anymore than Rosie does. Besides, even if you are perceived as innocent, pure, and Christian, it doesn't mean that you are naive to politics. It seems like liberals think conservatives have blinders on, and they don't. They just see things differently. I find it ironic that some of the most open minded people I know are politically conservative. I think there's definitely a fair share of both arrogant liberals and arrogant conservatives, but I know more conservative people who listen, truly listen to left-wing or opposing arguments and they never result in taking someone down a peg with their tone of voice or lack of genuine respect, arguing off of emotions, or throwing it in the other person's face that our president once choked on a pretzel. A pretzel. A goddamned pretzel. I choked on a clementine in 7th grade, are they gonna hold that against me if I'm ever president? Honestly, I don't know a ton about politics, and I never claimed to. But I know about respect, and it's gonna be a long time before anybody is pleased with anything if people feel forced to argue and defend themselves every time they want to share their opinions. There is a time to talk, and a time to listen. This is normally a skill people learn by elementary school, but I guess it doesn't translate when politcs are involved. And to clarify, it's not because of her political viewpoints that I strongly dislike Rosie O'Donnell, it's that her behavior defies sensibility. I could sit here and call her everything Trump called her, but namecalling doesn't address the issue of what I think is displeasing about her. It's not her sexuality, it's not her "comedy," it's not her political stance. It's her obnoxious and self-righteous way of asserting her agenda on other people who have different opinions. Something else that bothered me from the show was that Rosie called Elisabeth a "cherry picker", which I don't even think is the correct term but maybe I'm wrong, but she basically said that Elisabeth just picks and chooses which facts to pay attention to. Well come on now. If she does, then Rosie does too! Rosie just picks and chooses different facts from Elizabeth to pay attention too. Who is to say which "facts" are more important, and should decide which way you sway on the political spectrum when concerning the war? Maybe there really is an answer for that and I'm just an ignoramus, but it seems to make sense in my head. Anyway...apparently Alicia Silverstone, who was the guest after the commercial break that ended the cat fight, entered on stage and completely snubbed Elisabeth, walked right past her and hugged the other three hosts. What are we, in second grade? We cannot have this "peace" that liberals claim to be all for when they can't even suck up their own emotions and be polite to someone who has opposing viewpoints. Because of this, this human nature, I believe peace to be an impossible feat.

In other news, I went bowling today. I won. Too bad it was against a 4 year-old.

The week of maladies

2007-05-13T13:06:00.000-04:00

Music: Someone Saved My Life Tonight - Elton John

Two weeks ago I thought I had a cold...it was bad for a few days and then I felt about 75% recovered for about five days afterward. And then last weekend it spiked again...I went to work and the woman I nanny for is a nurse practitioner and she took one look at me and said, "You have a sinus infection." So she prescribed me a 3-day course of antibiotics. That afternoon while watching a documentary on stigmata, my right eye started oozing green slime. Gross, yeah? I thought I was going blind. It turned out that I had pink eye. It spread to the other eye the next day. I spent the week explaining to people that I hadn't been crying all day; my eyes were bloodshot from pink eye. That started to get better by the end of the week, but my sinus infection was still terrible - my head felt better but I had a fever and I literally had to brace my entire body for the ensuing pain that came with swallowing. So I called the doctor, they put me on hold for 15 minutes, but at least they put on hold to Simon and Garfunkel. I was able to get in and see a doctor that afternoon, who prescribed me a 10-day course of more antibiotics. The nurse there also complimented on my "amazing" blood pressure (80/60). I'm feeling a ton better now, and there's just a small remnant of my sinus infection left. But I'll still be popping pills for the next week.

It's been lovely weather this week, and I've enjoyed it. I bought a few pairs of shorts and some cute tennies. We went to Holland yesterday for Tulip Time; we watched the parade and then went out to dinner, where I had one of my favorite foods in the world: corn chowder. Amazing. After about a week hiatus, it's back to the gym today. I loaded more songs onto my mp3 player and I have a new issue of Glamour to peruse so it should be a good workout day.

Tired of looking at my previous entry

2007-05-05T11:26:00.000-04:00

Music: It's Probably Me - Sting

Good news! I finally found my Keane cd...it was underneath the my passenger side seat, which I had already looked under, but the seat had been pushed forward recently, thus exposing the misplaced item. I was buckling Jake into his carseat last week when, gleaming in the sunlight, it caught my eye. This is good news, but my Michael Jackson Dangerous album and my Elton John disc two still remain at large.

I haven't subbed in like a month...pretty much since I got this nanny job. It's wonderful. We had a very thought provoking bible study this week. We read Galatians and then talked about transgendered people. Neither are directly related to each other, but somehow the topic came up. I had seen a show on it the night before and it was really interesting. Plus the idea of nature/nurture is always engrossing. I think it can probably be a little of both sometimes. Today for like the fifth time in 8 months, I'm going to clean out my closet. For some reason, my drawers are still buckling with clothes and my closet still runs out of hangers even after I clean it out. And it's not like I've shopped very much this year. But I bought a suit the other day. It has three pieces; a jacket, pants, and a pencil skirt. It was really cheap and I couldn't resist, even though I don't really have anything to wear it to anytime soon. Other good news is that it's a size 6. Hooray! I don't mean to gloat, but seriously this is a big deal for me. Going from a size 12 to a size 6 feels pretty amazing. I've had some big accomplishments in the past year with my health, including sticking to a regular exercise regimen for over a year. Every time I tried in college, it lasted no more than a month. My total weight loss as of yesterday is 25 pounds. I feel a million times better, physically and mentally, and I no longer have knee problems. I'm so glad that after four years of wanting to look and feel much different, I was finally able to, and that I was also able to spend my last semester of undergrad feeling this new way. I'll post some before and after pictures sometime.

Anywho...I'm feeling more at peace with the news I received last week. It's like I feel that some major things in my life are undecided and out of control and I have no choice but to surrender to it. Hopefully I will know some more options in the near future.

Yikes.

2007-04-26T18:52:00.000-04:00

Music: Trouble - Ray LaMontagne

Well my ego has taken a bit of a blow this week. Looks my plans for the future will not be happening. I've mourned the death of one too many dreams this year. Can I get a break? But I'm thankful to have an excellent job right now and for the summer. This week I will have worked 3.5 days and made $400. Love it. In other news, I have a zit that popped up yesterday and is going to ruin my life. But you didn't want to know that. Anyway, I've been up since 5:30 am and I still have to go downtown to do bible study and break the news that everyone's prayers were not answered in the way I hoped. Maybe I'll have some uplifting things to say next time.

nice weather

2007-04-21T14:04:00.000-04:00

Music: Gravity - John Mayer

So finally it seems that spring has sprung, and hopefully this time it is for real. I took my winter jacket out of my backseat and bought a new pair of sunglasses. I hope this nice weather lasts, since it's a mood elevator as well.

Still no word from schools...apparently MSU is "overwhelmed" with applications. Whatever. I renewed my gym membership today, so that's 185$ down the tube. I'm nannying a lot the next two weeks though, so that will replenish my checking account. I bought a few new books at my favorite used book store downtown and so far the one I started is good. It's called "Lives of Girls and Women" by Alice Munro. I woke up today and turned on my computer and was chagrined to discover that my sound isn't working. And I opened up volume control and it said it no longer existed and that a mixer must be installed. Wtf? I use my comp and it's volume every day. Every minute I'm in my room I have a dvd or music playing. So now I had to turn on my alarm clock radio to listen to music, and it's a little fuzzy. That's one of my huge pet peeves, when a radio station is fuzzy. It sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me. Also good news - I found out that I don't have to report for jury duty on monday. Woohoo! This is like the third time I've gotten summoned and haven't had to report. Excellent. And I don't have to nanny that day either so maybe I'll have the day off. Unless I'm feeling strange and decide to sub, which would be unlikely. Anyway. I guess that's all for now.

Ah yes.

2007-04-12T22:42:00.000-04:00

Music: Sinatra

I feel compelled this evening, April 12th, at approximately 10:43 pm, to update my blog and announce that I think Spencer from 'The Hills' is the biggest tool ever to be seen on television. Seriously. I want to punch him in the face, rip off his little pimp chain from his pasty white neck, and inform him of his massive toolage. Then I want to take his girlfriend Heidi aside and tell her that she is an idiot for dating him, sleeping with him, and moving in with him. I don't like Heidi either, but that is largely because she's with such a douche bag for a boyfriend. Spencer makes me lose faith in the male gender. That is all.

I should be at the gym, but I'm blogging instead

2007-04-10T15:15:00.000-04:00

Music: Riding Shotgun Down the Avalanche - Shawn Colvin

I babysat today for the family that I'm going to nanny for this summer...it was fun. The kids were adorable. They sang a song for me in Polish and then I told them how to count to 6 in Japanese. They also have a Sheltie too, but he's really old and has major arthritis. I'm technically on spring break right now, since the Ann Arbor schools are and the family I nanny for right now are in Arizona. With this other nanny job plus this Healthy Schools health screening thing I'm gonna do, I pretty much won't have to sub ever again. Thank the Lord. Now if it would only warm up and actually feel like spring.

Still no word from grad schools...it's very disencouraging. My mind goes on overdrive at night when I think about it, and I try to create a Plan B and C if the unthinkable happens. But maybe ignorance can be bliss too.

In other news....who's the baby daddy??? Today is the day, and I'm on the edge of my seat, although I'm pretty sure it's Larry Birkhead.

Kids say the darndest things, part II

2007-04-03T20:23:00.000-04:00

Music: No Ordinary Love - Sade

Another conversation between four year old Jake and I, from this afternoon:

Jake: Do you know Emily?
Me: Yes, she's my sister. How do you know Emily?
Jake: Because she's a poopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopyhead!
Me: What? How come she's a poopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopyhead?
Jake: Because she's a poopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopypoopyhead! And she has white eyeballs.

Kids say the darndest things

2007-03-31T16:36:00.000-04:00

Music: I Need Love - Robin Thicke

I nanny for a family that has three kids, two girls ages 10 and 9, and a little boy who is 4. I arrived on Wednesday morning when this dialogue between me and little boy occurred:

"Why don't you take your coat off?" I was wearing a jacket that was more like part of my outfit than an article for warmth.
"Well, it's not really that kind of coat," I replied. He looked at me blankly.
"It's ugly," he said finally, turning back toward his Apple Cinnamon Cheerios, spooning them messily into his mouth and down the front of his shirt.

Oh kids.

But anyway. I subbed at Pioneer on Friday and the teacher left me the most extensive lesson plans I have ever seen. Thorough, yes; easy to execute, no. I managed to get everything done that she wanted to get done, but more in my own way than in the way she wanted it done. Eh she'll never know the difference. I have to roll my eyes at teacher who leave lesson plans like this. Not having any idea who is coming in to sub, how can they expect everything done in the way they described? Substitutes are pretty much just there to take attendance, pass out worksheets, and issue bathroom passes. Not to "teach" anything. I love to teach, I really do, but it throws me for a loop when I expect a day of reading a book while the class does a worksheet, only to find that I actually have to do things. It makes me sound lazy, but still. It's one thing to be prepared to be up in front of the class doing things than to be blindsided with complicated lesson plans in a subject you're not familiar with.

A scatterbrained entry

2007-03-25T13:17:00.000-04:00

Music: Sex and the City theme song

Wouldn't it be great if we all came with chargers, like cell phones? Like if you were feeling run down emotionally, physically, spiritually, academically, mentally....all that...that you could just plug yourself into the wall and sit for an hour and emerge completely brand new?

Nothing is really new...I changed up my workout and I think it will probably be better for me. I worked out so hard that I thought I might puke right there in the cardio room but I didn't. I also tried scallops...my sister made them at her dinner party. They were pretty good! I've had more seafood in the last two months than I have had in my whole life combined.

We saw something really sad the other night...there were two deer in our backyard, and our backyard isn't that big so it's not like they were off in the distance. The first one came out of the woods and just walked slowly across the yard, and then the second one slowly came out, limping. It only had three legs :( The fourth leg looked like it had been severed halfway or something. It was so sad. It took it like 10 minutes to make it across the yard. It was heartbreaking.

Happiness?

2007-03-14T15:35:00.000-04:00

Music: Melting - Tristan Prettyman

Do you ever feel like you're not really living? Like, not in the 'carpe diem' sense, but in the actual biological sense? Lately I've been feeling like both. I don't have the energy or emotional capability right now to live like how every high school yearbook tells you to live, but I also seem to float in and out of days feeling like nothing more than a blob of cells. I know I'm broken down. I know I'm worn out. All my strength is zapped by personal things right now, and so I don't have any left to really care about or react to the unimportant events of daily event. It's like being numb...except not really. I still feel intense emotions. I don't think I'm explaining this well at all. But that's kind of how I feel sometimes. I've also realized that I am somebody whose happiness is dependent on my circumstances. Like, I've realized that I never played a hand in my own happiness. Sure, I made choices that ended up leading to me feeling content in some way, but I have never chosen happiness. I have never deliberately chosen to feel happy. It either happened or it didn't, depending on the circumstances. This thought scares me, because 1. Have I placed my happiness and well-being into the fickle hands of life, itself a changing force that will undoubtedly serve me up a fair share of good and bad circumstances? And 2. Is it really even possible to choose happiness? To choose to be content and joyful in life, even when the circumstances are your worst nightmare? And do we gain anything by being happy or unhappy?We talked a little about happiness in my bible study the other week. I said that I thought there is a difference between happiness and joy. Happiness, I said, is a mood that happens based on when things in your life are pleasing, while joy is more of an overall sentiment that comes from somewhere deeper, namely faith in God. I have had some of both...which is better? Because I have been unhappy but have had joy at the same time, and vice versa. Right now I don't think I have either. I hate it...I don't feel like myself. I used to be more joyful, and it's hard to come to grips with the fact that maybe I have control over it. And I don't want control over it because I'm too worn out to try to choose anything. What do you think?

Back in town

2007-03-05T10:12:00.000-05:00

Music: In Repair - John Mayer

I'm back in town now from Mississippi. It was a really fun trip...probably the most fun church related thing I have done in years. If you want to see pictures, I've been tagged in some on facebook. Don't be alarmed by my startling appearance - I didn't do my hair and makeup for a week and I was doing manual labor. I untagged myself in the more unfortunate ones. But anyway, I'm glad I went. Great weather, great people, great food. I even tried crawfish. Sort of.

Still no word from grad schools, I'm getting more antsy by the day. If this lady calls me back, I have a job interview today in Northville. I think I might do some shopping at orchard lake afterwards. I also have a potential nanny job lined up. I'm subbing tomorrow at King, my old elementary school, which should be interesting and hopefully fun times. That's pretty much all that's new around here. I got my visa bill for the past month and I only spent $97.83, when my monthly budget is $200; I'm proud of myself. I went out to dindin yesterday w/Kristie and Lynn. We went to Los Tres Amigos, which I thought would be really bad, but turned out to be amazing. Their fried ice cream was a little subpar though. But anyways, nothing else is new here. Just thought I'd update on those things.

Spring Break

2007-02-22T19:34:00.000-05:00

Music: Three More Days - Ray LaMontagne

I felt compelled to update my loyal audience and inform them that I will be gone for UofM's spring break. I was able to get a spot on a mission trip to Mississippi at the last minute because somebody dropped out. I'll be gone from this Saturday 2/24 to Sunday 3/4. I haven't been on a mission trip since 6th grade...I always thought it would be cool but I never felt like I had the time to spare during college. Now is the time I guess. It's hard to believe that even after a year and a half, there would still be rebuilding and cleaning up to do on the gulf coast. I guess I'll find out just how much. This will be during the Ann Arbor public school's mid-winter break too, so I won't be missing any subbing days. Not that I would care if I did anyway. Subbing sucks.

Another survey, because I've got nothing new to say

2007-02-20T14:24:00.000-05:00

Music: I'm In Love - Mary J. Blige

1. How did you get the idea for your screen name? - my screen name is not really that original, it's pretty self explantory.
2. What time were you born? - about quarter to 8 in the morning
3. Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry? - i actually cried when aaliyah died. i don't know why. it's not like i was a huge fan or anything. i think i may have cried when princess diana died too
4. Do you want a baby? - yes, when i am happily married and the time is right
5. What do you want to be when you grow up? - social worker/counselor
6. What are the last 3 digits of your phone number? - 584
7. What was the last concert you attended? - it's been a looooong time since i went to a concert. i can't remember, either jason mraz or tally hall
8. Who was with you? - sayre and lara were with me at jason mraz, jillian and lara were with me at tally hall and i think i saw lyndsy there too
9. What was the last movie you watched? - father of the bride part 2...a classic
10. Who do you dislike most at this moment? - people who won't hire me
11. What food do you crave right now? - the chocolate trifle that paula deen was cooking
12. Did you dream last night? - i dream almost every night
13. What was the last TV show you watched? - cooking with paula deen :)
14. What is to the left of you? - an empty bottle of moisterizer
15. What was the last thing you ate? - peanut butter cookies
16. When was the last time you cut your hair? - the first week in december...i'm overdue for at least a color touch up
17. Do you have a mental disease? - probably
18.. What shirt are you wearing? -some pink thing with a drawstring on the side
19. What color is your razor? -black and gray...i use a men's razor because i'm hardcore
20. Whats on your mind right now? - my to-do list, plus it's my mom's bday today so i think we're going out for indian food later tonight
21. How many tattoos do you have? - none...i don't think i would ever get a tattoo
22. What's your favorite store? - well i don't really shop for clothes that much so i don't know there...but i love ikea and any bookstore/music store
23. Are you thirsty? - actually yeah...thanks for reminding me
24. Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss? - katie baker...i haven't seen her since august :(
25. Have you ever been searched by the cops? - no...haha
26. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters? - good luck trying to even get me on one
27. Do you believe in ghosts? - it's a fun idea but i don't know...but i do believe in some things that cannot be logically explained
28. Do you consider yourself creative? - yes..but the well runs dry if i don't use my creativity for a while
29. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie? - jennifer
30. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics? - i know a tiny bit...i ask questions but then i always forget the answers :(
31. Do you know how to play poker? - i'm really bad at card games...at least the ones that you need a strategy for. i like to simply rely on my quick eye and my luck
32. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight? - thank god, no
33. Have you ever cheated on a test? - a few times but nothing huge
34. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around...- that's my favorite time to drive...when no one is around
35. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you? - sure
36. Have you ever Ice Skated? - yeah...i used to be a lot better when i was like 7 though
37. When was the last time you laughed so hard you were crying? - oh boy...a long time ago i guess, i can't remember
38. Do you believe in love at first sight? - probably not...it takes a while for true love to develop. it doesn't just happen when you see some hot guy or girl walk through the door. i believe in lust at first sight though!
39. Do you know who Ba-Ba-Booey is? - uh no
40. Do you always wear your seatbelt? - like second nature!
41. What talent do you wish you had? - just to be really really good at something. singing, dancing, painting, rock climbing, teaching...that sort of thing.
42. Have you been caught stealing? - i've never "stolen" something that wasn't mine to begin with
43. Have you played nintendo? - yeah but we didn't have nintendo. i played it at other people's houses
44. Do you have a relative in prison? - not that i know of
45. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror? - story of my life
46. Do you know how to play chess? - no...again, i'm not so good with games involving legitimate strategies
47. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew? - probably but i don't remember
48. When is the last time you threw up from drinking too much? - in june, with flynn, after a lot of beer and a huge steak burrito from big ten.....that was the only time too.
49. Have you ever walked out on a movie at the theater? - only once, towards the end..."Spiceworld" in seventh grade...i was only like 12 but i still knew it was bad
50. Do you ever sit through a bad movie, just to see how bad it can get? -none of the movies i chose are ever that bad where i wouldn't have predicted already that it would be sucky
51. Would you consider yourself obsessed with anything? - certainly...different things at different times. i feel obsessed with chocolate every time i eat some.
52. Have you ever met someone famous that you really wanted to meet? - no...but i saw sinbad at a mcdonald's in battle creek when i was a kid
53. When's the last time you screamed at the top of your lungs? - screamed so that it was socially acceptable? camp. screamed insanely with reckless abandon? nsync concert in ninth grade
54. Did you ever do something that you didn't want to, just to fit in? - no i don't think so...i never really felt any alleged "peer pressure" to do something. if i did something, it was because i wanted to and not because i wanted to fit in.
55. Do you consider yourself "the biggest fan" of something? - yes: chocolate covered potato chips.
55. Ever went to bed with both socks on, to wake up with one or both missing? - haha yeah...but most of the time it's because i woke up with my feet too hot so i kicked them off...like last night
56. Average hours you sleep at night? - it depends on the night i guess. anywhere from 6-10.
57. Ever been caught doing something you shouldn't have? - me and becky got caught climbing on my roof and my parents came home. we used to use walkie talkies and play 007 and climb all around the roof.
58. Are you for long distant relationships? - with the right person at the right time, yes

i feel like a dork because i just filled out another online survey. my life is just that exciting.

Back in Yankee country

2007-02-12T20:44:00.000-05:00

Music: Seven Days - Sting

So I'm gone for 4 days and apparently Anna Nicole Smith dies and The Police reunite for the Grammy's. I miss all the fun.

Florida was a nice break...it was sunny mostly every day but still a little chilly. I bought a couple of cute cheap watches from the flea market. We played dominoes and went out to the beach a few times. I ordered my second real seafood dinner ever...it was really good. My sister and I stood out as the only people under the age of 55 pretty much the whole weekend, but sometimes old people can be more fun to be around. There was a really cute toddler sitting behind me on the flight back. She had little wisps of strawberry blonde hair and was wearing a pink onesie. She kept peeking her head over the back of my seat and going "Hiii!" It was adorable. Then she would point at me or my sister and smile, exposing little baby teeth scattered around her mouth. Her name was Beatrix. I thought that was cute.

So now I'm back, and am once again, not quite sure what to do with myself. I doubt I'll be hearing back from grad schools this week. I'm tired of waiting by the mailbox. Supposedly we're supposed to have a snowstorm tonight, which I hope doesn't cancel school tomorrow because I need to work. I didn't work at all last week due to the two snow days and my mini-vacation. Errr. But I came home and my gas tank was magically filled up. That's a plus.

"Hiii!"

It's cold

2007-02-05T20:23:00.001-05:00

Music: Change (Won't Be Good) - Joan Jones

I was supposed to sub today at Tappan, but all the schools were closed today due to cold temperature and for the fact that some buses wouldn't start. Now who in the wha? When I was in school, they NEVER closed school. We were lucky if we got one snow day a year. And then they'd like tack on extra days to make up for it. Kids these days are spoiled.

It's so cold in my house. The thermostat is set for 63 degrees everyday and I have to turn it up to at least 70 everyday. And my dad doesn't want to reset it to just be 70 regularly. Meh. At least I moved my bed away from the heat register...it was blocking it before. No matter how cold it is though, I still have to have my fan on. I can't sleep in absolute silence.

In other news. I got my diploma in the mail. I thought it was a fake one..like how they send you a temporary one until you get the real thing or something. But it ended up being the real one and I was disappointed. It was pretty anti-climactic. Especially since there's a large ink smudge in the "M" in "Michigan."

I need to get out of here fast. It's a good thing I'm going to Florida on Thursday. It can't come soon enough. At first I was worried about taking time off from subbing but I don't care anymore. It's not like I'm getting called much anyway.

That's about it. I guess I don't have anything substantial to say. Sorry so boring.

2007-02-02T22:30:00.000-05:00

Music: Early Morning Rain - Eva Cassidy

Am I too sensible for my own good?

Airports

2007-01-22T21:14:00.000-05:00

Music: Valley of the Shadow - Thomas Newman (Little Women soundtrack)

I have always liked airports. Despite the fact that I'm not a huge fan of flying itself, I always looked forward to going to the airport. I like to be surrounded by people who are coming and going. Nobody stays put for too long in an airport. The reason I think I am attracted to this environment is because I'm an escapist. I like to retreat from myself and try to get away from things. A lot of people do this, but in different ways. Drinking, sleeping around, doing drugs, eating. We all self-medicate, because things are too hard sometimes. But my escapism is an actual phsyical escape. I used to drive around a lot. I used to drive completely out of my way just to get away. One time in the winter of my senior year of high school, I began driving to school, and then all of a sudden my hands took the steering wheel and quickly made a right turn when it should have made a left. My mind was saying, I shouldn't do this, but I kept going. I drove around for almost an hour before being late to school. I remember thinking, I just can't do this today. I can't. I need to not be here. So I drove off, and I drove through the country. I thought about nothing. Nothing except the idea that I was trying to get away. I could have driven all day.

Airports hold this same kind of metaphorical world where I can escape life and hope for something better. There is something intoxicating about standing in an airport and watching people with their rolling suitcases and boarding passes purposefully stride towards their gate or the baggage claim. It's like I try to take in their energy, because I look at them and think, These people are living. They're going somewhere. I want to be like that, but so many times I'm just frozen, suspended by my own inability to not fear and not worry, and at times, my inability to make decisions or to make decisions and stick with them. I want so badly to become somebody else at that moment and ask someone if I can come with them to start over. Start from scratch. I'll go anywhere. Minnesota. Washington. Georgia. Hell, I'd even carry their luggage.... anything so that I don't have to be me right then. But I know it's not possible, and that it shouldn't be. So I just stand there, safe in my paralysis, watching everyone else do what I want to do myself, and try to make it be enough. But it never is. It fills me up for a few minutes, and then I go back to wondering: when am I going to live how I dream of living? When will I feel filled up, at peace? When will I be able to really lift myself up from these cheap leather chairs in the terminal and board the plane? And not because someone told me to? I need to get over the fear of departing and the fear of flying if I'm ever going to go anywhere.

Where am I going?

Mid-month resolution?

2007-01-17T19:42:00.000-05:00

Music: Black and White - Sarah McLachlan

It occurred to me today that I miss writing. I used to update my livejournal a lot before I switched to blogger. At least in the beginning. I looked through my livejournal yesterday and I feel like that was a different person writing. I wish I still had that ability to just come home and write a story, humorous or dramatic or emotional or contemplative. I feel like my livejournal had a lot more character than this one. Maybe if I commit to writing in this more it will come back to me. I have a lot to say...but I don't like writing it unless I can make it absolutely seamless. I think I have a tendency to not want to do things unless I am positive I can do it perfectly...this is a new revelation I have had. It's odd because I think it sort of goes against my easy going personality. I'm not really a perfectionist...nothing has to be "my way" or anything like that. I don't know. But the important things to me...those are the things that I don't even want to attempt unless I know that I can make it perfect. It's really too bad because I think that I missed out on a lot because I was too scared to take the risk of it turning out not perfect.

I'm trying to fill up my schedule with anything and everything just to get my mind off things lately. My mental/emotional state is on shaky ground and I've been extra tempted to eat a lot and spend a lot of money in order to fill the void. I'm hoping that when this Bible study starts, I'll start to feel a little better again. I'm trying to get as many sub jobs as I can but so far there haven't been that many...because of MLK day and a snow day after that, tomorrow will be my first day of subbing this week. It's middle school gym. Hooray. Somehow I always get all the crappy sub jobs. I almost never get to sub in core academic subjects where the day is usually straightforward. Oh well. At least I don't have to dress up tomorrow.

In other news, I'm about to watch American Idol. I watched it last night, and wow. I don't understand how some of these kids honestly think that they would make it to Hollywood. Honestly. One guy opened his mouth and it literally sounded like if I were trying to play violin with my teeth. And they become so genuinely upset when they get rejected, and their family consoles them. Don't their families hear what the rest of the audience hears? Sheer violence in auditory form? I used to always think that everyone could sing. Not like Mariah Carey but at least carry a tune. This show has blown that idea out of the water.

loaded topics, about which i have much to say, starting with today

2007-01-13T22:46:00.000-05:00

Music: Not Alone - Patty Griffin

"...49 percent of all pregnancies in the United States are unintended - that's 3.1 million a year, topping most industrialized nations. Almost half of those accidental pregnancies end in abortion..." - Glamour magazine

"Among our poorest women, unplanned pregnancies have risen almost 30 percent in the past decade, and abortions are up for them too." - Glamour magazine
"...There are now 1.3 million surgical abortions per year in the United States. The Alan Guttmacher Institute (the research arm of Planned Parenthood) reports that women have abortions for two primary reasons: lack of financial resources and lack of emotional support..."
-The Feminist Case Against Abortion

I personally believe that abortion is not a fundamental human right. However, it is apparent that we need to reduce the number of unplanned pregnancies, which will in turn decrease the number of abortions. We need better sex education classes in high schools, and to figure out a way to provide birth control and condoms to those who can't afford them.I don't exactly know what they teach in "abstinence only" schools, but my high school got the complete picture on sex, including the ever-popular STD slideshow. If kids aren't learning about sex in high school when they're likely to start having it themselves, when are they going to learn about it? When it's too late, and they're being diagnosed with some disease or they're in labor?Maybe they wouldn't have it so much if they understood the possible consequences. If it's not a high school health teacher, who's gonna sit them down and genuinely educate them? I don't know too many parents who opt to sit their own kids down and draw anatomical diagrams at the kitchen table and then provide them with information about STDs. I don't think teenagers should be having sex, but they're going to anyway, so they might as well be educated. Here's some more stats:

"Centers for Disease Control (CDC) estimates about 65 million Americans are living with a sexually transmitted disease (STD). About half of all people will be infected by an STD sometime in their lifetimes. More than 19 million new cases occur each year In the United States, almost half of them among young people aged 15 to 24. Each year, one in four teens contracts an STD."

"Each year in the United States, more than $13 billion is spent on major STDs including human immunodeficiency virus (HIV). "

It pisses me off that the government has to spend that much money treating diseases that are almost entirely preventable. I bet it would be a lot cheaper to supply birth control and condoms for communities than it would be to treat the STD's, unplanned pregnancies, abortions, etc. We continue to dig ourselves in deeper.

This may be all nice and easy for me to say, because I can afford things like birth control and condoms and I'm educated on the topics. But I also believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that sex is a holy and fully intimate act that is best exercised within this committment of people. I have no shame whatsoever about taking this "old-fashioned" and conservative view; it is no less legitimate than what the majority thinks. I think that the U.S. is rampant with problems like abortion, STD's etc. because people seek instant pleasure and lack boundaries. This combination of qualities depresses me. If you can't tell, I'm a huge proponent of self-purity, personal principles and boundaries. It's depressing though, because I don't know many people who have these views. Lately it seems like I've just been continually disappointed in my fellow humans; their beliefs and behavior combined. It's a lot easier to change your beliefs to adjust to your behavior, instead of adjusting your behavior to adhere to your beliefs. I know people who used to say they didn't believe in sex before marriage, and then all of a sudden, they were having sex and no longer believed in abstinence. It's a lot easier to do that than to take a look at yourself and say, "Wow. I just had sex. That doesn't match up with my beliefs, therefore, I fell short of my principles. I should stop having sex, since I've never believed in pre-marital sex." Instead, most people say "Well I guess I believe in sex before marriage now, since I just had it." The value of sex then decreases to them, since it is no longer something worth having a boundary for. And I'm just using the sex thing as one example, I'm not trying to put anybody down for having sex. I'm just using this as an example where I think some people can give up too easily on their beliefs. I do not judge those who make this choice; most people I know have made this choice. (But if I'm disappointed, does that mean I have judged? I don't know. That's another conversation.) But anyway, it takes discipline to talk the talk then walk the walk, but that's what makes you a person of strong character. When you actually apply your beliefs to your life, you are virtuous. Which begs another question: "Why be virtuous?" I have answers for that which I'm not going to get into. But essentially, I wish that people valued virtue more. Not just in others, but in themselves, because "themselves" are other people's "others." There are so many people that say they believe in something, but when looking at their lives, there is no possible evidence for what they say they believe in. It is scary though, to proclaim your beliefs openly, because then people remember. They remember when you screw up and they hold you accountable by judging you when you do mess up. They might throw it back into your face that you're a hypocrite. But I would rather believe in something wholeheartedly and mess up a few times, than to be fair-weathered or confused about what I believe. You make the committment to belief knowing that it might be really hard, and that you might fail to carry it out in your own life. But I'm not into half-assing life and letting myself coast along safely. I've also found that most of the people that are unforgiving like this don't know what they believe, or they lack boundaries for themselves. They don't stand for anything yet. They shouldn't be holding other people to their standards if they don't even have any themselves - they don't know how hard it is. I don't mean to go off on a rant, because I'm not perfect either, and the last thing I want to be is a hypocritical preacher. There are times when I'm sure that everybody has acted in a way differently than what they believed, because it really is a difficult battle to walk the walk. But I think it's a beneficial battle that is at least worth enlisting in. I think it's better to set the bar high and have the occassional slip up, than to set it low and always succeed.

Let's stop being irresponsible. Let's stop taking the easy way out. Let's start holding ourselves to a higher standard. Let's figure out what we believe. Let's start making things important to us again, and acting like they really are.

the new year

2007-01-07T00:35:00.000-05:00

Music: Time Will Do The Talking - Patty Griffin

"What happens when we live God's way? He brings gifts into our lives, much the same way that fruit appears appears in an orchard - things like affection for others, exuberance about life, serenity. We develop a willingness to stick with things, a sense of compassion in the heart, and a conviction that a basic holiness permeates things and people. We find ourselves involved in loyal commitments, not needing to force our way in life, able to marshal and direct our energies wisely." - Galatians 5:22, The Message

I haven't heard this translation of the fruits of the spirit passage before and I really like it. It was my verse of the day on my devo calendar. Doing things "God's way" can be really hard, but I try to trust that my life will be blessed because God works for the good of those who love him.

Last post before the new year

2006-12-30T00:47:00.000-05:00

Music: Edge of Love - Mindy Smith

The holidays have come and gone and I'm anxious to start getting things done. I've been in a weird mood or sentiment or something lately though, where I just feel sad and unpeaceful and like I need to escape but there's nowhere I can go. It's like my heart doesn't feel right inside me. Like it's in the wrong body or something. I just don't like everything being so up in the air, like I have no control over what I want or something.

I organized my finances today. I paid my visa bill, deposited checks at the bank, and organized all my bank statements, etc. into this file folder thing I have. I had been holding onto bank statements from 2003...it was time to clear some of that stuff out. It's been part of my effort to simplify my life. I cleaned out a bunch more of my school stuff last week and threw away two more garbage bags. I think it's even time to go through my clothes again, even though I just did that a few months ago. It's like there's just too much stuff. Too much to look at in my room, too much to think about in my life. I wish I could take a big excavator and just clear out all the junk and confusion and sadness in my mind. And since I can't really put all that mental stuff into garbage bags and leave them beside the curb, I try to do the next best thing and clean out my room.

I got a bunch of cd's for Christmas...I give out lists of cd's to my family every year and this is like the first time that I've really gotten any. I got like 5. It was pretty cool. Plus I'm on a Sex and the City kick...I got season 3 for Christmas and I watched it all already and I had to go out to Target today to buy season 4. And to think I used to despise the show. Times have changed. Times have changed and and so have I. So have I indeed.

From long ago

2006-12-21T20:30:00.000-05:00

Music: For Your Precious Love - Otis Redding

I was cleaning my room tonight and I came across this list that me and Sayre made back in October of 2002, while sitting at a bar (illegally) in Grand Rapids, watching Sam's band play. We were allowed to stay because we claimed to be Sam's photographer and website manager, despite being drastically underage. Heh heh. I remember it was a list of things we liked or thought were funny or something...some of them I don't remember what they are but some I do, and I remember quite fondly:

-words
-someone else smiling
-holding hands
-looking into somebody's eyes
-BK crowns
-just married couples
-mistletoe
-harmonies
-straying glances
-silly faces
-snaggletooth cats
-hot apple cider in the fall
-inspirational quotes
-people who resemble their dogs and vice versa
-top ten lists
-dedicated songs/lyrics meant for someone
-football saturdays
-foreign accents
-days off
-sunrises and sunsets
-god clouds
-25th wedding anniversaries
-naps
-food when you're hungry
-acapella shows
-flirtation between couples
-chivalry
-ladybug wallpaper
-tortilla chips and excellent salsa
-celtic music
-unnoticed inside-out pockets
-the verb "to be"
-torn sweatshirts
-Quiet Riot
-dimples
-bad hair
-hearty guffaws
-wallflowers
-scatting
-sidelers
-"deep humorous" poetry
-jankety teeth
-romantic comedies
-"NW"
-head-jabbing
-butterflies in your stomach
-snowfall in the evening
-playful smiles

Bathroom Scrawlings

2006-12-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

Music: The Way I See You - Bethany Dillon

I graduated yesterday...commencement was super lame and most likely a waste of my time. Oh well. I guess I'm still glad I did it; you only graduate from undergrad once.

I took my last exam today...I hardly studied and I don't regret it because it turned out that it wasn't that bad...there were questions on there I don't ever remember learning anyway so it's not like it would have helped. I checked my grades online and I got an A- in my Shakespeare class...the class I was most worried about so that's nice. But anywho. What I meant to write about was the graffiti in the bathroom stall I was in after my exam was over in Angell Hall. They were so interesting that I had to take out my notebook and write some of them down so I could share them. These are some of what I found scrawled on the wall of a handicapped bathroom stall on the first floor of Angell:

"I slept with my dance instructor and now I feel like a whore. But it was totally worth it!"
...and then in response: "Is he gay?" and "Holla @ you! Big pimpin'!"

"I'm going to ask him if I can make him waffles this weekend. I've decided. But I'm scared. Why am I scared?"
-->in response: "Fuck he should be making you waffles. Pet his head and tell him they taste good."

"I'm going to PLAY him so bad (and he better make me breakfast in the morning)."

"I think I am a lesbian and the denial is ruining my life!"
-->in response: "Cheap exploratory action is NOT just for straight couples."

"I'm so in love that it scares me sometimes. What if something happens and I find out I'm not strong enough to handle it?
-->in response: "Love is not like other unhandle-able things. Like 18 credits and two jobs. It is something inside of us. If you feel it, you can handle it."

"I was so lucky as to have a sleepless night. Make a difference."

"Who keeps erasing this? How are we supposed to 'read the writing on the wall'?"

and the most vulgar, most laughable one of all:
"I <3 taking dumps + steamers."
-->in response: "Juicy ones?"

HAHA. wow. I can't believe I just wrote that on my blog. Well that's a bit of insight into the minds of college women. Excluding me.

The fruits of my non-labor

2006-12-16T23:31:00.000-05:00

Music: Sunshine - Keane

too bad i don't know the bottom three people, but i'll take the harry potter girl over being called barbara streisand or the girl from the water babies suntan lotion bottle any day.

i graduate tomorrow!

irkage

2006-12-14T15:49:00.000-05:00

Music: Untitled 1 - Keane

I like to think I'm a very tolerant person. I'm tolerant of people who display arrogance, stupidity, or moral relativism. And other things. But there's one thing that I cannot stand. I don't let people know how much it irks me sometimes, because, I try to be tolerant.

Poor spelling. I cannot stand it. I can tolerate it if the person knows they are a bad speller - that's fine and I really don't care - or if someone makes a lot of typos on IM. But it's when people try to act edgy and unique or smart or whatever and they've written some sort of emo manifesto on their blog or facebook profile or something and they misspell something. It's like their efforts to show the world how cool they are have been completely thwarted by a simple mistake that makes them look uncool. I hate it when people try too hard. And it's obvious when people do. Just be yourself, man. I just don't know why this sends a shiver up my spine. Maybe it's because I'm a phenomenal speller. And every time I have misspelled something on my blog it's because it was a typo and I was too lazy to go back and edit the post - I have never not caught my own spelling mistake on any of my blog entries. Maybe it's because my spelling skills come so natural to me that I feel like it should come naturally to everybody else because hey - it's not that hard. I know it doesn't mean that the person is dumb by any means, but whenever I see someone spell definitely like "definately" or relative like "reletive" it's only a matter of nanoseconds before I can stop from uttering "you idiot!" to myself. I am deeply sorry I feel this way. Especially if you are a bad speller. I just feel like at least if you're in college, you should know better by now. And of course, I choose to feel this way because it makes me feel soooo much better about myself. Because I'm super selfish and behold the same qualities that I claim to tolerate in other people. And if you ever point out an accidental spelling mistake that I have made, I will kick your ass. Wow this took a different direction from what I had planned. Sorry for the sarcasm. I don't know what's gotten into me. It must be all the drugs.

And wouldn't it be ironic if I misspelled "misspelled"?

The Endless Flight of Stairs

2006-12-13T11:40:00.000-05:00

Music: Everybody's Changing - Keane

So I dropped by Arbor Brewing Co. last night during my study break to meet Sayre and Sammy for Sammy's birthday. Things were all good until I had to go to the bathroom. I walked to the back of the bar and was greeted with the endless flight of stairs. It was a looong way down to the bathroom. I always think it's a cruel joke for a bar to make their patrons walk downstairs to the bathroom. Do you want me to fall down an entire flight of stairs in a drunken stupor? I wasn't drunk - I only had water - but still....it's a principle of the matter. Plus, once I got down there, I was surprised by the presence of a baby changing table and stunned with the overwhelming odor of play-doh. I don't think I'll be one of those mom's that will bring their kids out to the pub. It might be dangerous carrying a baby down the endless flight of stairs, drunk or sober.

I just got back from my Psych exam...it went well I think. Now I just have to finish like 10 minutes worth a internet review stuff for that class, go to grammar class this afternoon, write an 8 paged Shakespeare paper for friday morning, and then study for and take my grammar exam on monday. I'm about ready to curl up in the fetal position. It's actually not that bad at all...I've had it much much much worse, but for some reason like every night the past week I haven't been able to fall asleep until a few hours after I actually lay down, which makes me soooo tired in the morning. It's like I have to wake up in the middle of one of the deep sleep stages or REM cycles or whatever.

...4 days until graduation....5 days until I'm actually finished...

another long day at the salon

2006-12-07T17:59:00.000-05:00

Music: Every Little Bit - Patty Griffin

I haven't been doing the Mitch of the Day for a few posts...sometimes I don't feel like starting out a post with a joke or something. I'll incorporate them here and there though. I got my hair cut and colored today...it looks soo much better...which probably wasn't that hard to do, since I don't think it could have looked any worse than what it did. But anyway...I had a 20$ coupon so the total was only 47$...which is super super cheap for a haircut plus highlight and lowlight in Ann Arbor. The only caveat is that I was there from 10am until 2:15 pm. Oh well. Anyway, I tried to capture the essence of my new "concave grid" hair cut (I had a round grid before) but I didn't do a very good job. Here's some pics though. The color looks good...it seems she put in more lowlights, which is fine, because it warms up my overall color. She also curled it under, which I never do since I use a straightening iron, but it still looks good.

I highly reccommend going to the aveda institute. this was my fourth time there, and it gets better each time i go. I got a hand and arm massage too :)

another procrastination survey

2006-12-06T16:52:00.000-05:00

Music: Out Loud - Mindy Smith

So basically I got this survey from somebody's myspace page. It's called "Soundtrack of Your Life" or something...all you do is put your playlist on shuffle and type the song that plays for each of the the following scenarios. Here's mine (and I didn't lie about any of the songs):

Opening Credits: Everyday - Lisa Loeb (One of the better songs from "Cake and Pie"

Waking Up: The Beast in Me - Martin Sexton (amazing amazing artist. should be a lot more famous than he is. "the best in me is the beast in me..."

First Day At School: Overjoyed - Nnenna Freelon (This was from her album of jazz covers of Stevie Wonder)

Falling In Love: You Should Be Dancing - The BeeGees (well we suddenly went from the first day of school with a Stevie Wonder cover and then straight to falling in love to the Saturday Night Fever soundtrack...cool cool)

Fight Song: Vincent (Starry Starry Night) - Josh Groban (probably the worst choice for a fight song on my entire playlist. It's a sappy song lamenting the death of Vincent Van Gogh.)

Breaking Up: Shape of My Heart - Sting (I forgot how much I loved Sting...I actually listened to this song this morning after not hearing it for like a year)

Prom: Master Blaster (Jammin') - Stevie Wonder ("we'll be jammin' till the break of dawn"...hey-ayyyy)

Life: Alone In Kyoto - Air (trippy and totally dreamtastic)

Mental Breakdown: Maureen - Sade (everyone knows my affinity for Sade...this is one of the catchier songs from her album 'Promise'...it also has one of my favorite lyrics "loving you is easy acapella....from the boys you could tell at a glance/you say he looks good/let's hope he can dance..." But anyway, not exactly a 'mental breakdown' song.)

Driving: I'll Find A Way - Rachael Yamagata (Although slow, I actually do listen to this song while driving...I bought her album "Happenstance" last summer...beautiful yet simple lyrics: The rain is like an orchestra to me/Little gifts from above meant to say/Girl, you're falling at his feet/Isn't lovely or stunning todayLay with me/lay with me/I'm alive when you're here with me/here with me/And I'll find a way to see you again/Yes I'll find a way to see you again/Why do the street lamps die/When you're passing by/Like a hand that won't stay on my shoulder tonight/If you held me close, would you laugh it away/Would you dare the glance that I steal to stay...)

Flashback: What's Simple Is True - Jewel (From her second and last good album "Spirit"...she used to be amazing...I know her entire first album by heart, this one's decent too, but it's more of a studio release...anyway, some of the lyrics seem fitting: "The more I live, the more I know..." )

Getting Back Together: Somebody - Sun-60 (I'm THRILLED that this band made it onto the survey...this is the BEST early 90s band...I listen to them all the time...all their songs are different but soooo good...my favorite song of all time is by them, it's called "Hold On"....but these lyrics seem fitting too "I've been waiting for you to unravel/and my arms think that they can still wrap you up again...somebody wants you/somebody wants to need you/somebody loves you..."

Wedding: P.Y.T. (Pretty Young Thing) - Michael Jackson (well it's not a wedding without Michael Jackson...but I wouldn't exactly chose this as the first song to dance to or anything...save it for after the open bar has been utilized)

Birth of a Child: Vision of Love - Mariah Carey (Ok I cheated here...it landed on another Nnenna Freelon song but I don't want another of hers since I hardly listen to her anyway...but I am never not in the mood to belt out some Mariah...this song is from her unplugged album)

Final Battle: Little Wing - Jimi Hendrix (this falls into my top 5 fave Hendrix songs...too bad he never finished it :( ...."Well she's walking through the clouds/With a circus mind thats running round/Butterflies and zebras/And moonbeams and fairy tales/Thats all she ever thinks about/Riding with the wind..." Well what can you say. It was the 60's.)

Death Scene: Gravity - John Mayer (ok I cheated again here...it landed on another Sun-60 song, which I loved but anyway...this song is from his new album which I didn't think would be good, but it's surprisingly wonderful)

Funeral: He's Real (All The Power You Need) - Darlene Zschech/Hillsong (how fitting to have a super jazzed out jesus song here... holler at yer savior)

End Credits: Forbidden Love - Madonna (ok...so I HATE madonna now. i can't stand her. but i do own the "immaculate collection" and 'something to remember'...anything thing else that mutates out of her studio is trash. this is actually one of my favorite tracks on 'something to remember', the album that nobody seems to know about. but it's a much more low key, unhyper, kind of acid-jazz/Massive Attack sounding...it has some sad songs, some sexy songs. At one point she says "rejection is the greatest aphrodisiac." Interesting. )

So. Apparently that's the soundtrack to my life. I'm not really satisfied with it since it picked a lot of songs/artists I rarely listen to. I'm shocked it didn't pick any Tori Amos, since she's the artist that I have the most albums of. And I just ended that sentence with a preposition.

I will be vague but honest

2006-12-03T23:31:00.000-05:00

Music: April 14th, Pt.1 - Gillian Welch

It's times like this when I wish that nobody read this. But I know some will. And as much as I want to keep these thoughts to myself, I also want to just put them out there. I don't talk about serious things on this blog very often, but sometimes I like seeing the legitimacy of my thoughts printed out for whoever wants to read. I don't want pity and I'm not a charity case. I welcome your thoughts, but I don't want comments telling me to "feel better" or that things will work themselves out. Statements like that seem too trivial; their meanings falling drastically short of the situation. Nobody knows what to say. Nobody knows, and that's ok, because I myself don't know, and if I did, I wouldn't be asking them.

I feel prostrated. Despondent. Like I own nothing and my pockets are turned out and my hands are bare. I am surprised by the frequency of my moments of raw emotional upsets. It seems like anything can make me cry about it. I am fearing the unknown and mourning the absence of something special and significant. Sometimes it feels like I'm a drug addict going through withdrawal. The pain is physical and emotional. And there's nothing I can do except go through it. I tried to do everything right, so that no one would get hurt, but it didn't turn out that way. I'm holding it together, yet falling apart. And I'm not allowed to go to the person I want to go to most. The person who can always make me feel better. But we decided what we decided, and I don't want to cheat or undermine our agreement, because I do think it's a good thing. Hard, but good.

In a strange way I welcome pain sometimes. Pain is what brings me close to God. There's something beautiful about being at the end of your rope time after time, and feeling like you have nothing. Those are the easiest times to reach out to God - because it's no longer a choice. It's something you have to do because you're out of ideas and you can't do it yourself. And I have to keep reminding myself that I was not designed to. I was made specifically for a relationship with God; I'm not supposed to burden myself by trying to fix everything on my own.

I try to prepare my heart through prayer to receive what comes next for me. For us. Although it's difficult because I don't even know what I hope for, and therefore, I don't even know what I fear. I have moments of clarity, and moments of haze. Sometimes I know, and sometimes I don't. I hate being inconsistent, and not being 100% certain. I just fear the unknown, and feeling this way for an extended period of time. I don't know much about what I want in the future - I thought I did. I thought I knew myself pretty well. But when life is unpredictable, it puts everything in question. I hate this so much. I feel responsible for everything. I feel like everything would be great if I could just stop being so confused. I hate that I put somebody through a lot of undeserving pain. Especially that specific person. I never knew I could care that much about someone. Or that someone could care just as much about me. It's interesting how that can happen mutually.

Anyway, there's more I want to say, but nothing has come out really the way I wanted it to. I wanted it to be more articulate and poignant than it is, but, I guess it is what it is. And I don't know why I want you to know, but this is really hard for me. I'm sure it is for you too, but you always have a way of seeming like you can handle anything. I hope I'm not cheating our agreement by writing any of this, but I just wanted you to know and I didn't tell you earlier. I wish so badly I could make this better for both of us. But instead, I'll be praying.

i left class early in order to watch the 2-hour bachelor finale

2006-11-27T20:33:00.000-05:00

Music: Every Little Bit - Patty Griffin

Mitch of the Day:

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

Do you ever have days where you feel like everyone is staring at you? I had one of those today.
From the guys at the pizza place I went to for dinner, to my professor, and eventually the old Indian lady on the bus, it seemed like wherever I went I found myself the spectacle of somebody's attention. And not just like the whole we-caught-eyes thing. This was me turning around and seeing somebody staring at me, and then still staring at me when I turned back around 30 seconds later. This makes me quite squirmy.

a penny for your thoughts

2006-11-18T20:42:00.000-05:00

Music: Legacy - Nichole Nordeman

Mitch of the Day:
"Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious."

Some verses that I came across today that stuck out to me for different reasons:

John 4:10 - in the context of the Samaritan woman at a well
He replied, "If you only knew what a wonderful gift God has for you, and who I am, you would ask me for some living water."

John 4:34
Then Jesus explained: "My nourishment comes from doing the will of God who sent me, and from finishing his work."

John 4:48
Jesus asked, "Won't any any of you believe in me unless I do more and more miracles?"

John 6:26-37
Jesus replied, "The truth of the matter is that you want to be with me because I fed you, not because you believe in me. But you shouldn't be so concerned about perishable things like food. No, spend your energy seeking the eternal life that I, the Messiah, can give you. For God the Father has sent me for this very purpose."
They replied, "What should we do to satisfy God?"
Jesus told them, "This is the will of God, that you believe in the one he has sent."
They replied, "You must show us more miracles if you want us to believe you are the Messiah. Give us free bread every day, like our fathers had while they journeyed through the wilderness! As the Scriptures say, 'Moses gave them bread from heaven.'"
Jesus said, "Moses didn't give it to them. My Father did. And now he offers you true Bread from heaven. The true Bread is a Person - the one sent by God from heaven, and he gives life to the world."
"Sir," they said, "give us that bread every day of our lives!"
Jesus replied, "I am the Bread of Life. No one coming to me will ever be hungry again. Those believing in me will never thirst. But the trouble is, as I have told you before, you haven't believed even though you have seen me. But some will come to me - those the Father has given me - and I will never, never reject them."

I live only to hear, "Well done, good and faithful one."

Still counting down

2006-11-15T13:47:00.000-05:00

Music: His Little Spirit Had Flown Away - The Joy Luck Club Soundtrack

Mitch of the Day:
"A friend gave me a drug for attention deficit disorder, because he's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra-long attention span. People would tell me a story, and it would end, and I'd get all mad. "Come on, man, there has to be more to that story."

So I don't mean to be a downer again, but school is putting me in the worst moods ever. The super senior victory lap is not so glamorous. In fact, it pretty much sucks. I have absolutely no motivation do homework or go to class. I'm still probably doing fine in school, but the closer it gets to graduation the more stressed I am; especially since I'm trying to finish up grad school stuff. Plus, I hate my grammar class. The textbook is the biggest piece of shit I have ever read. They do the worst job of explaining things, and class doesn't make it much better. I know I have complained about it before, but yeah. I couldn't bring myself to scrounge up more change for the parking structure and drive myself down to grammar class this afternoon after I took my psych exam, so I just skipped. Thank God that as of today, I have to go to only 12 more days of actual class because I can't do this for much longer. I don't know why I have such little motivation. I mean I complete all my work and stuff and I study, but it's like I loathe every second of it. 4 and a half more weeks until graduation... My weeks usually go by decently fast since I only have three days of class, but each day of class itself seems to waddle by slowly. I'm really excited obviously for the end of December. No school again for 9 months, Christmas, no subbing, and I'll be able to work out again. Plus I will have time to spend with everybody I want to spend time with, especially those that live far away and those who I haven't seen in a while beecause I've been too busy. Sometimes there's just not enough time to make time for everybody you want to. It's a disappointing reality.

On a happier note, my sister is hosting a dinner party this friday and it's going to be really good. Like 'good' as in wrapping up a pork loin with meat string. Yeha.

dogs

2006-11-06T22:44:00.000-05:00

Music: Homeward Bound - Simon and Garfunkel

Mitch of the Day:
I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said, "Screw it. Cut 'em up!"

the only thing i wanted to update for was this picture. this is the dog that i want. now. i would name it rufus.

but i will have to settle for casey, my little furry one.

upon request

2006-10-31T19:24:00.000-05:00

Music : The Rain, The Park, and Other Things - The Cowsills

Mitch of the Day:
"Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup."

It should be recognized that this update is sheerly for Ken. Because today is his birthday. So here Ken, here is a special haiku for you and then some things that remind me of you:

Umbilical cord
wrapped around your neck three times,
you turned out just fine.

"My mind's tellin me no...but my body...my body's tellin me YE-E-SSSS!"

"Has anyone ever told you you look like Harry Connick Jr.?"

steak...just how you like it. still alive.

bubs!

"And then the Supreme Court....are you still listening to me?" - everytime we talk
(and yes, I know that this is a picture of the Capitol Building)

speaks for itself.

"Good thing I put my flannels away for the summer."

late night meijer run...

a usual staple

anyway, there are many more. and if anyone ever wants to get to know you, you should just direct them here because i've pretty much described you perfectly. just kidding. anyway, i hope you enjoyed that. happy 24th birthday bubs!!

fall break continued

2006-10-17T14:51:00.000-04:00

Music: Vultures - John Mayer

Mitch of the Day:
"If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

I was at the drugstore yesterday and I was poking through the greeting card aisle. I started looking through the birthday section, and there were all sorts of cards for each birthday of a kid's life, starting with "Happy 1st Birthday to Our Grandson" to "Hope your 10th Birthday Is a Special One"....and so on. Now tell me, why would a 3 year old ever need or want a card for their birthday? Or a 2 or 1 year old? It's not like they have any comprehension of what it means...they can't even read it. It seems like a waste of money. I would never buy a 1 year old a card. It's superfluous.

So it's the last day of fall break and I'm still sitting in front of my computer doing homework. Surprise, surprise. But I'm on my last task...I'm doing study q's for my grammar exam tomorrow. I finished up my Shakespeare essays earlier today (finally)...that took me a few weeks.

It's rainy today and the colors are changing. I like the way tree bark looks when it's darkly soaked and contrasts against the oranges and reds of the leaves. It's pretty. But this weather makes me perpetually tired. I just want to nap all day. Plus it's hard to stay awake when you're wearing fleece. I'm wearing a fleece pullover and am wrapped up in the fleece blanket Sayre made me a few years ago. Even though I got a beautiful 9 hours of sleep last night, I'm still tired. If I liked coffee better I would start drinking it.

The furnace people have been here all day. There's a funky smell wafting up through the vents into my room and it's making my eyes water. I used to be really scared of carbon monoxide poisoning. When I was young I saw an episode of Rescue 911 where carbon monoxide almost wiped out this whole family. That show was the shit, by the way. I promptly asked my parents to get a detector. I don't know if we still have it though. But the Rescue 911 family had a faulty furnace, which caused the carbon monoxide. So I guess it's a good thing that ours is getting replaced. The new one costs $6, 300. Unless I win the lottery, I hope I never have to buy a new furnace. I saw another episode where this girl collapsed on her school's bathroom floor during prom because she had an allergic reaction to shrimp. This is why I had not tried shrimp until recently, when I reluctantly concluded that this type of allergy is rare and since nobody in my family had it then maybe I wouldn't either. I also remember the episode where this kid got his tongue stuck to the freezer, and the toddler he was babysitting managed to call 911. And then there was the one where these two teenage girls were scaling the wall of their hotel balcony and one of them fell. Rescue 911 was totally our family's show. We watched it all the time.

My checking account is the lowest it has ever been. Let's hope I can sub on Thursday and Friday. It's nice that I only have class tomorrow and then I have another 4 day weekend. I love my schedule. Things will calm down exam-wise after tomorrow, and then I'll probably spend some time working on grad school stuff this weekend. Beh...I guess I should stop procrastinating and go study.

fall break

2006-10-15T22:14:00.000-04:00

Music: Belief - John Mayer

Mitch of the Day:
"I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!""

I decided to return to my color roots...pink. My livejournal that I had for two and half years was in pink and I think it's time to bring it back. I'm still trying to figure out how to edit my links section. But I like the new layout.

It's fall break. I haven't done much in regards to my studies. Well I did all my psych reading for this week and for the week when I slacked off. But I still have to finish my Caesar essay, write another Shakespeare essay, then do all my study questions for grammar and study for the midterm. Yay. I bought the new John Mayer cd and it's very very good. Really good. Much better than the last album. Sometimes I think John Mayer looks like a troll and sometimes I think he's a hottie-hot. Lately it's been the latter. I also bought a Marc Broussard album that's also really good. He's not really a hottie-hot.

I'm in the process of applying to both MSU and EMU for social work school. EMU was a last minute decision as a back up, because I really don't want to go there. I'm not applying to UM...I already know that I need a change of scenery and I'm pretty much done and moved on from my undergrad experiences there. Plus I think that if I applied there and got in, I would be tempted to go there because it's the #1 social work school in the nation. I don't want to meddle with that kind of decision so I figure it's safer to just not apply and move on with my life. I'm anxious to move on very very soon. I'm already kind of checked out of undergrad even though I'm still there. 9 more weeks until graduation.

Didn't really do that much today...I did psych hw most of the day, worked out, played guitar, etc. I keep losing weight. I can pull most of my pants off without unbuttoning them. It's actually getting sort of annoying because now I don't really have any pants that fit me well and I don't have the money to go buy new ones...especially when I just bought new ones a few months ago that I've already outgrown..or in-grown...or some word that means the pants are too big for me now but they once weren't. There was definitely a time when if I heard someone say what I just said I would like to punch them in the face and sarcastically announce, "Well I wish I had your problem"...but yeah. Those days are thankfully over. I've had my fair share of being the biggest person in my friends group. Or at least feeling like the biggest person. I basically spent all of college feeling that way. It kind of sucks that now that I feel better about my outward appearance, I don't really go out because I don't live on campus and a lot of my friends graduated. I still go out, just not that much.

Last night I dreamed that someone stole my gym shoes and I was so upset I cried. Someone had stolen them out of my gym locker, and my 7th grade gym teacher didn't believe me and berated me. And then my dream switched to me volunteering at a fabric store as their email-reply person. I answered all the email they got. There were a bunch of passwords I had to remember and my boss lady thought I was an idiot. I felt like an idiot too because how did I know what to say in any of the replies? I didn't actually work there so I didn't know anything about anything. I think I dreamt this because sometimes I think about how I would never survive working in a fabric store because I hate cutting and measuring things i.e. fabric and wrapping paper.

Have you ever wondered things like if a set of twins married a set of twins, would each other's kids look alike? Or how talented people in the olden days were but they didn't know it because they weren't exposed to certain resources or stimuli? Like there were probably a lot of amazing singers, guitar players, actors, etc. in the 1600s but they didn't know they were talented because they were never handed a guitar or something? I suppose it goes the same for people today. How many people are actually really good at something they have never tried. Maybe I have natural talent as a boxer or bagpipe player or something but I would never know because I haven't tried it. These are the things I think about when I sit in grammar class.

procrastination continued

2006-10-10T22:21:00.000-04:00

Music: Drifting - Harry Connick Jr.

Mitch of the Day:
"I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall."

The sole purpose for me writing right now is because I can't take much more studying. I haven't even been studying for that long. I started at 2:30 and have been going on and off since then. About 8 hours, but I think I took more breaks than I did study-periods. I can't wait to graduate. It makes it all the more frustrating knowing that I'm not going to need to know any of this after I graduate. None of it. But I still have to do a crapload of work to pass. In rebellion, I think I might actually throw away all of the lecture notes after I take the exam. I won't need them again since nothing is cumulative. Maybe. And anyway, even the practice quizzes in this class are ridiculous. Ridiculously hard and confusing and misleading. The exam will probably be worse. I think it's a good idea to have a very in-depth exam because it does assess how well you learned the material; however, in this case, I do not think the teaching in the lecture has sufficiently equipped us to be able to do super well on the exam. The material is dense and difficult to interpret when studying. The lecture slides go way too fast during class. The lectures just don't adequately prepare us. Or maybe it's just that they don't prepare me, because I'm really ADD when it comes to studying anyway. I'll be glad when it's over so I can concentrate on much more important things. The only way that this exam is important is that I need to at least pass it so I can pass the class and graduate. Other than that, it's about as important to me as Madonna adopting an African child to fight against the AIDS epidemic.

besides. pretending you're jesus and crucifying yourself doesn't make you an international sensation. it makes you an international bitch. she recently planned on crucifying herself at a concert two miles from vatican city. what an insolent egomaniac nut case. don't even get me started on how much madonna sucks.

oops

2006-10-08T10:40:00.000-04:00

Music: In the Still of the Night - Jane Monheit

Mitch of the Day:
"I had a bag of Fritos, they were Texas grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of summer, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. Better flip that Frito, dad, you know how I like it."

So I forgot that our dryer broke this week. It didn't really break, but the timer just doesn't stop, so it keeps going until you open the door. So of course not remembering this, I put in a load to dry last night at like 11:30 and then promptly went to bed. I woke up at 10 this morning and suddenly remembered. And when I got down there, sure enough, my stuff was still tumbling around. My load was drying for over 10 hours. Ooops. At least it was just like sheets and t-shirts and nothing important. I emptied the lint trap and all this lint was like crushed to a powder and spilled out everywhere. Do not leave your dryer unattended.

Another oops happened yesterday. I went to the UM/MSU football game, which I was really excited about because it's pretty much the only reason why I spent 170$ on season tickets anyway, since I've never been to a game where we played against any real rivals. So my sister and I are walking around, having a jolly old time, but by the time we made it to this house we were gonna visit by the stadium, I reached around in my back pocket and my ticket was gone. I had stuck my student ID and my ticket in my back pocket, and it's partly my fault because I knew my ticket was sort of sticking out of my pocket but I hoped my t-shirt would cover it. I guess I just didn't feel like folding it or something. Somebody had stolen my ticket right out of my back pocket. Bastard asshole! I was really upset. I was holding back the tears. We went to the police though and he believed my story (by then the tears had come) and wrote me a stolen ticket slip that would get me into the game. It was a horrible 20 minutes where I thought I would miss the game. It sucked to be down there all ready for the game and tailgating and stuff and realize that some asshole douche bag with no heart stole your paid-for ticket right out of your back pocket, and that you'd have to go home. But thankfully we got everything figured out and I still got to go to the game. So do not leave your pockets and your tickets unattended. Only you already knew that. So did I, but I just thought the human race wouldn't ever stoop that low. And I was very wrong.

there is no chocolate here

2006-10-02T21:03:00.000-04:00

Music: I'll String Along With You - Diana Krall

Mitch of the Day:
"I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here!"

Soooo I'm still sick. Sort of. I have an odd lump in my throat and I still cough. The lump occurs in the morning, and lets up a little throughout the day. The coughing occurs at night. It's been like over 2 weeks. Bleh. And with my luck with how things go, by the time I make a doctor's appointment and drive out there, I'll probably be perfectly fine.

I have decided to budget. I got a VISA bill for $700 dollars. Not good. A lot of it was textbooks but still. I can afford to pay it, but I would rather not have to. I'm going to take all the sub jobs I get for the next few weeks so I get some income, and I'm trying to live on $200 a month. If I don't go shopping and I don't go out that much and eat at home, then I have 200$ to spend on gas and the times that I do go out. I think I can do it. I'm starting to write down all the things I spend $ on.

I hate one of my English classes, which will remain nameless, since, well just because. Hate it. Hate it. Piece of stupid shit good for nothing English class. Which makes two of the three days I have class hell because the professor is senile and can't explain anything. Sigh. 11 weeks until graduation...

Oh here's a pic of my haircut (which I got a month ago but since I just updated my facebook picture and have gotten a lot of compliments on it I decided to post it). I didn't like it at first because the girl styled it weirdly, but now when I do it myself it looks good.

wooo sickness

2006-09-26T14:28:00.000-04:00

Music: Good Morning Little Schoolgirl - Jonny Lang

I think I'm gonna start each post now with a Mitch Hedberg quote, because I read his jokes every day anyway.

Here's the Mitch of the day:
"I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!"

So I've been sick for 10 days now. It's not nearly as bad as it was last week, but still. I cough and weeze, especially at night, and there's still a lump in my throat. But the rest of me feels fine. It's beyond annoying, and it's making it's way up to nuisance status. I've had more trouble sleeping the last few nights than I did last week when I was really sick. It's weird.

I had orientation today for subbing in Ann Arbor. Out of 4 total hours, I'd say the last 3 were unecessary. Oh well. I'm just glad it's over and after the mess I went through to apply, I'm actually going to get called for sub jobs now. Unlike Chelsea. Chelsea's system is online and it's either a piece of crap, or no teachers are ever absence. In the 6 weeks that I have been in their system, I have never seen a single sub job listed. Either there aren't any, or people claim them before I get called or check the system. Beh. But if I get called for Ann Arbor all the time then I see no point in going all the way out to Chelsea anyway.

Welllll...I'm kind of tired. I'm gonna go watch Dr. Phil.

love for the talented.

2006-09-22T15:31:00.000-04:00

Music: Professional Widow - Tori Amos

i love tori amos. i want to be her. or shall i say like her. just look how effing awesome she is. yeah double pianos. i busted out my tori dvd last night and every song still gives me chills even though i've seen it hundreds of times.

but anyway...there are some different directions i could take here to rant about things i.e. my stupid sickness and all the hoops i seemingly have to jump through to graduate. but instead i'm just going to say good job lisa. well done. because i weighed myself today at the gym (after much wheezing) and i weighed the lightest i have weighed in the last 4 years. last september, i was somewhat of a rotund 162 lbs. i tried to conceal it by wearing sweatshirts everyday but it probably made me look bigger. i weighed myself today and i was 144.2. that's about 18 pounds. i haven't felt this good about my body ever...even when i was like 130 pounds early on in high school. i also lowered my BMI by 2 points. anyway...i feel like a different person. well maybe not different, but more of the person that i'm supposed to be. my knee problems have pretty much gone away and on average i'm down to about a size 8, which is what my size was my senior year of high school, instead of a size 12, which is what i was in college. it feels so good. i didn't think it would actually happen. the weight has plagued me for 4 years...stupid freshman 15. or 20. it's boosted my self image a lot and i don't feel like the ugly girl or fat girl much anymore. i've still got the unfortunate genetic pooch, but it's size has decreased drastically. i actually have a waist now. my body is decently curvy and i love it, and i'm still losing weight. my goal is 140, but it's not really about the number; it's moreso about appearance at this point. the healthy weight range for a person of my height (5'7") is btw 138 and 146 lbs. Or something relatively close. I wish I had some before and after pictures. I have recent pictures of me but I don't have any full body shots so you can't tell that much. But it's enough of a difference where I put on my old jeans from last winter and buttoned them up, and i could easily slip them off without unbuttoning them. Yeha. I'm just really excited about this change in my life. It's made a huge difference in my overall sentiment.

cheap entertainment

2006-09-18T22:18:00.000-04:00

Music: Sister, Mother - Sixpence None The Richer

Here's are some things I got when I googled the phrase "Unfortunately Lisa":

Unfortunately Lisa may only be sentenced to 18 months maximum custodial sentence as she was tried in the Magistrate's court.

Unfortunately, Lisa encountered a problem while she was there.

Unfortunately Lisa takes a dive off the school's roof instead.

Unfortunately, Lisa's life on the road hasn't turned up many eligible bachelors.

Unfortunately, Lisa’s feelings would be involved, and hurt.

Unfortunately, Lisa & Ken didn't make it to Business After Hours this month so the pot grows!

Unfortunately Lisa has already tried her hand at being a clown.

Unfortunately, Lisa was experienced, and twisted out of Alice’s grasp.

i know you're chuckling inside. and that you just opened up a new browser and typed google.com

Dream life, again

2006-09-09T19:43:00.000-04:00

Music: No One In The World - Anita Baker

So I had been meaning to post an entry about this family I've seen on the Discovery Health channel. They're The Duggars, and they have 15 children and have no plan on stopping. They are a conservative christian family and they homeschool all of their kids. The parents are really nice, but at the same kind of a creepy nice. Too nice. Especially the mom. She's so sweet that I think she is not from this planet. Or she has the spiritual gift of not getting annoyed easily. Well anyway, I was going to write an entry about my take on the whole having 15 kids thing but I never got around to it. But in a nutshell, I'm quite against it because for many reasons after observing this family through their mini-series, their kids seem sheltered, naive, and they don't get the one-on-one attention they need from their parents that I believe all kids need. It seems like the only people they know are their siblings since they're home all day long with them in school and their outings consist of vacations in the family bus and to the grocery store. I don't mean to be putting them down, I think they are upstanding people and they're probably very good parents, but I just disagree with parts of their lifestyle. But anyway, I was going to expound on that in an entry but instead I want to describe my dream from two nights ago.

I went to sleep and then suddenly became a Duggar. I even remember which one I was. All of their kids' names start with the letter J, and I was one of the older daughters named Jessa. I felt internally like "I shouldn't be in this family, Mom and Dad are kind of nuts." I was in some church basement or something celebrating the renewing of my parents' (Jim Bob and Michelle) vows. There were candies on each table, and one of my little brothers, about 2 or 3 years old, had a couple of them in his hand and he looked really happy and was kinda of toddling around with them. Then all of a sudden, Jim Bob began chastizing him for "giving into temptation" and slapped the candies out of the little boy's hand. That was like a dagger through my heart, I'll tell you that right now. I don't like to see little children who look really happy all of a sudden fall down and cry or get their blanket taken from them or something. Anyway, my thoughts were, "I have to get out of this family," so I ran away. I ran away to a gas station. I thought I was safe until I turn around and there is Michelle coming after me, and I knew she was trying to kill me. She doused me in gasoline and tried to set me on fire but I dodged her. Then I sprayed gasoline on her and then torched her. But instead of getting burned, she aged instead. She became like a 50 year old woman with a shorter haircut and mom jeans. She ran after me into the gas station convenience store, where I hid behind a rack of Little Debbies. She gave up and left. And then it was a few years later and I was shopping, and she appeared out of nowhere and came after me again. It happened a few more times until I woke up. Behold, the wrath of Michelle Duggar, mother of 15.

www.duggarfamily.com

first day of my last semester of undergrad

2006-09-06T16:51:00.000-04:00

Music: Leaving So Soon - Keane

I started school today. I walked to the bus stop. With my mom. All I needed was a Mickey Mouse lunch box and brand new sneakers to feel like a first grader again. But she wanted to go walking this morning so she came along with me. So...I had two classes with a three hour chunk of superfluous time to waste in between. I like my two profs so far, one for psych and one for grammar. Apparently English 406 is crosslisted as Linguistics 406...bleh. I've never taken any linguistics classes in my life. We spent the day talking about things like , "As a sign in the grocery store, which is correct: 'Ten items or fewer' or 'Ten items or less'?" We did this little worksheet thingy that had us read a short poem and assign word classes for each word. I knew most of the parts of speech except conjunction. I just kept thinking of School House Rock, but it was to no avail. I could not remember the function. I still have the devil Shakespeare class on Monday for three hours of which I'm sure will be absolutely repellent. Chin up though.

Me and Flynn watched "She's the Man" yesterday and it was hilarious. Probably the funniest cheapo teen movie I have seen since high school.

I got my hair cut yesterday. It's probably the shortest I've had it ever. The color is sweet but I was wary about the cut. But now that I styled a different way, I like it better. If I get a recent picture of me taken I'll probably update facebook with it or something.

I'm speaking on a panel tomorrow at School of Ed about student teaching.

I've been missing my Michael Jackson "Dangerous" album since June. It's my favorite.

The cap to my big nalgene fell down to the bottom of the dishwasher and melted.

The gym is finally open again, and after more than a two week hiatus, I'll be ellipticalling again this evening.

And here's a tidbit that I learned today that you probably already know:
A noun is a person, place, thing, or abstract idea. It doesn't really make any difference to me to know that because I just categorize everything that's not a person, place, adjective, adverb, preposition, etc. as a "thing" anyway. Meh.

Ugh.

2006-09-01T13:18:00.000-04:00

Music: Breathe - Tristan Prettyman

Sometimes I'm really shocked at what kind of news makes the front page of msnbc.com. It makes me kind of mad when the first thing I see when I turn on my computer and want to know what's going on in the world today, is that Jessica Simpson has won a new car at the VMAs. For the love of God. You mean to tell me that there isn't anything that is going on in the world right now that is more noteworthy than that? Bastards. When I want to hear about celebrities, I go to www.thesuperficial.com, which is a smutty, funny, celebrities-are-idiots website that my friend anna got me hooked on. The funny thing too is that the Jessica Simpson story was listed under the headline, "Recommended News." Well I recommend Jessica Simpson to go play in traffic, because I really don't care. I admit, I watched a lot of "Newlyweds" and all, but I've lost most of my respect for her for a lot of reasons I won't get into right now.

In other news, stupid stupid stupid bastard professors need to take a look in the mirror and look at what pathetic d-bags they are, and how their lives only consist of teaching Shakespeare and early modern grammar to 19 year old kids that don't give a shit, and how they are boring men who have nothing better to do than to send out threatening emails to their classes on how if their students have not taken the lower level class, that they will "surely find" themselves "at a great disadvantage" and are "recommended to drop the course" because they will not be able to handle the material at a higher level. Pieces of shit. At first it got my panties in a twist because I need this class to graduate, but then I thought: I effing taught English. I think I can handle some Shakespeare. How many "levels" of Shakespeare are there anyway? Baby Shakespeare? Adolescent Shakespeare? Adult? Senior citizen? What? What? What the hell does that mean? Shakespeare is Shakespeare, you can't really water it down or make it super hard. It is what it is. Pieces of shit.

If you can't tell, I'm very upset with life right now. And for a few other unmentionable reasons that make me frustrated and depressed. I am not a mean person, but in this case, some things set me off in contained rages that make me create sweeping generalizations about people that I know are unfair and most likely false but it makes me feel better inside to insult these said people. My apologies for the cynical update.

Lazy, but making some progress

2006-08-30T00:08:00.000-04:00

Music: Right Now - Danity Kane

I've been cleaning out my room and the trunk of my car for the past few days. Well I've been cleaning my room for the last month but it's more of an on and off thing. It only happens when I feel like it, and not because it needs to get done at any certain time. Like last night, I cleaned out my closet until 1 in the morning. I discovered some real gems, like my AP History binder, my extensive collection of Whose Line Is It Anyway tapes, and a tape recording of the theme song from Jem and the Holograms. But other than cleaning, the only other things I've done are spend money and be a bum. I bought underwear, jeans, a shirt, etc. With money that I do not really have. Not to mention all the food I've been buying. I've been eating out this summer at least twice as often as I ever did. Bleh. And I still wake up at like 11:30 am only to get up, eat lunch, lounge in my pj's, walk the dog, then fall asleep while watching Dr. Phil. I'm so bummerly that it takes me a full three days to do two loads of laundry. So bummerly that I get excited to floss my teeth. And it's funny the things you do when you're bored. I just spent the last 20 minutes looking up jello molds online.

Compensation for my lost post

2006-08-20T22:29:00.000-04:00

Music: A Bad Dream - Keane

I updated about a week ago but I accidentally deleted it. And by delete, I mean I didn't save the changes. So yeah. I don't really remember what I wrote about anyway. I know that I mentioned that Guylian makes the BEST chocolates. The Belgian Sea Shell chocolates, and how I did not know how to order them. Wow. What a riveting update.

I finally moved out of my apartment. I inherited a lot of random things left behind by my roomates. Things like a pair of black ankle high boots from Aldo (not my size), a food processor, a printer, a shower caddy, an Xacto knife, and every cleaning supply you could think of. Now I have to do a lot of cleaning and throwing away of things. Since the rec center is closed for two weeks, you would think that I will have a lot of time to do this, but I doubt I will get done before school starts. I deserve some Guylians if I do.

I recorded another song with Sammy...it's not finished but hopefully we'll finish it in the near future. I will keep you in suspense by not saying what song we did. I like it so far, it has a lot of potential but it's not ready to be heard yet.

I'm somewhat excited for September to come. I think I will welcome some sort of routine to keep me busy, not to mention I will get some subbing jobs and make a lil cash. I think I'm gonna take the Northwood to campus this fall. I don't really feel like buying a parking pass when I can just walk 15 minutes and get to a bus stop. Or I'll walk 10 minutes and take the AATA. As long as I order a new charger for my Dell DJ ( it's for sure lost), I won't mind the walking. It's gonna be interesting to be one of the oldest people in all my classes. There's probably going to be a lot of freshman in my psych class since it's only a 200 level. More thoughts about school some other time.

I always seem to diagnose myself with weird ailments. For the past two weeks, I have had this odd warm sensation on the bottom of my right foot. It feels like a rush of warmth to the bottom for like 5 seconds...as if I had just stepped on a patch of sunlight reflected onto the carpet. It's been weird. Oh now I remember...I was writing above how I couldn't remember what my unsaved post was about besides chocolate. I remember now that I wrote about JonBenet Ramsey and child beauty queens, which is ironic because the murderer just recently confessed...he confessed or something like two days after I wrote the entry. Imagine that.

I just finished reading "Inventing the Abbotts" by one of my favorite authors, Sue Miller. She is an excellent writer. Very novel and eloquent. It seems that her and I think about the same things. It's a really short read since it's a short story, it's only about 35 pages. I'm still in the process of reading "Deliver Us From Evil", a political book that Ken loaned me. It's about conservative politics. It's pretty good. I usually read it while I work out, though I'm only like 70 pages into it.

Anyway, if you haven't noticed, Keane is my new favorite band. I don't really like buying "pop" music....you know...like stuff that makes the charts, but I had to buy their newest cd. It's so good and I cannot tell you. And I'm absolutely shocked that I like it so much and that it's as good as I deem it is. I'm probably going to buy their first cd in the near future. I highly reccommend them. The lead singer has an incredible voice. So incredible. So edible. Yummmy. Yummy male voices. Yummy Belgian chocolates. Life is good.

My children will be better than the children on tv

2006-08-12T22:33:00.000-04:00

Music: Is It Any Wonder - Keane

I was decently productive today. I watered all the plants outside, worked out, did some emailing, did two loads of laundry, and baked two loaves of banana bread. After I showered and had steak for dinner, I was really bored. So bored. Not even the Laguna Beach marathon was enough to pull me out of it. In fact, it made it worse. So now I'm watching some show about destination weddings. Unless my wedding is on Mackinac Island, I would not do a destination wedding. Too many unnecessary stressors.

I saw this commercial today where this like 9 year old kid is doing all these extra chores and being all extra helpful around the house to suck up and get his mom to get him more minutes on his cell phone. You know what I say? You've got to be kidding me. In my house, no child of mine will have a cell phone, or get any sort of compensation for doing chores. I plan on teaching my kids the value of a hard earned dollar, but doing household chores or babysitting for their siblings is not the way I plan to do that. Chores and things like that come with the territory of being in a family. Everyone learns to adapt and handle responsibility. If I had to pay for my kid to watch my other kid, I'd say they'd have me wrapped around their fingers. I'll be damned if I'm not the authority. Plus, if I had to pay for a babysitter, I might as well get an actual babysitter that's older so I know they'd do a good job and won't terrorize the house. My kids will get a job when they are old enough to work, in which their labor will be rewarded with money. I will do everything in my parental powers to make sure that my kids are not spoiled and selfless. I want them to grow up gracious and humble and hardworking. Man. But seriously. This kid was like 9, and he had a cell phone. The commercial was for Disney Mobile or something. No 9 year old needs a cell phone. Hell no. I cannot emphasize that enough. I didn't have a cell phone until the summer after my first year of college. I can see giving your teenagers cell phones, especially if they're driving, but not your grade schooler. I'm also reminded of when I was subbing at Pierce Lake Elementary in Chelsea, and I saw little kids with iPods. I almost cried. I say that if you still hang your backpack in a cubby, you are not old enough to have an iPod or cell phone. No advanced technology before hitting puberty. That should be a rule.

i love food

2006-07-31T18:47:00.000-04:00

Music: A Change Is Gonna Come - The Neville Brothers

If I wasn't health conscious and believed in reincarnation, then I would come back as Paula Deen.

If you don't know, Paula Deen has a show on the Food Network that's all southern cooking. And by southern cooking, I mean every recipe starts with a stick of butter being thrown into a pan. Everything she makes is crazy bad for you. I didn't even know people still cooked with lard. Real lard, like from a can. In the bottom picture she's eating a bacon wrapped hot dog with chilli, onions and velveeta, so that gives you an idea. But she's the sweetest senior southern belle you ever saw. It's kind of refreshing though, to see a cooking show that isn't "carb conscious" or "low fat" or "kid friendly" or whatever. Sometimes I just want some carbs. And fat. Anyway, everything she makes looks sooooo good. I don't even know what that middle picture is, but it looks good as hell. And I'll be damned if I don't try to cut up some bread into cubes and deep fry them just to try and imitate.

it's good to be german

2006-07-29T23:58:00.000-04:00

Music: The Tide Is High - Atomic Kitten

Tonight I went to German Park. The last time I went there I was in 8th grade and I saw my science teacher and an old guy wearing lederhosen tried to get me to polka with him. Tonight was much better. Not to mention the food. I am specifically updating my blog to rave about the food. It was incredible. Like white people soul food. We had delicious spatzen and German potato salad. SOOOO good I'm looking up recipes.

I was playing around online the other day and my homepage is set to msnbc.com. I read an article there about how the cover of the August issue of "Baby Talk" offended readers because it features a close up of a baby getting breastfed. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/14065706/ <-----Here's the article if you're interested. Now, I understand people who don't necessarily want to see a baby breastfeeding, I know there are some people that are squeamish about that. So don't look at the magazine. Plus the audience of the magazine are probably mostly mothers anyway and they should be a little more desensitized to the whole thing. But in the article there was some talk about how people were disgusted because a breast was a sexual thing that shouldn't be paraded around. Um, what? Say what? Has anybody seen magazine covers these days? Demi Moore poses naked and pregnant for Vanity Fair and it's hailed as an artistic masterpiece. Britney Spears just did the same thing. Not to mention that every other issue of Rolling Stone is some pop star with no pants on. I'm sure everyone remembers the naked Christina Aguilera naked with only a guitar between her boobs. Yes, everyone has the right to free speech and they can bitch and moan about whatever, but I'm just shocked that so many people chose to get upset over the cover of Baby Talk when there are so many other magazines that advertise naked body parts. this is worse than this?-->

or this? or this?
or this?

Either everyone should just get naked and stop complaining, or we should shut up and put our pants back on.

...

2006-07-28T01:40:00.000-04:00

Music: Come September - Natalie Imbruglia

Thinking. Feeling.

Just random

2006-07-26T20:26:00.000-04:00

Music: That Teenage Feeling - Neko Case

It's really cold in here. My right hand is colder than my left. How uncomfortable. Outstanding news: soon I will have internet in my bedroom. My computer will be on the desk of my dreams that I bought at IKEA. Well scratch that. I bought the top attachment...they've been out of the actual desk part so hopefully soon they'll have it back in stock.

A former student facebooked me today. It was cool.

I think I need to change my workout. It seems like my body is too used to doing 50 minutes of elliptical followed by crunches. I think I should start weight training.

I went to the art fair and surprise, surprise, there were people protesting stuff in the Middle East. I think protesting is super lame. Don't even get me started. So I'll leave you with a little Mitch Hedberg: "I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

Yeah.